Down Almost There

There was no one day, one time, one week, one moment....could I have told you that I thought I would be mentally and psychically today on Aug 14, 2011. Fuck and it's 2011! Where is 2007? Fuck. None of this trying to figure out how, when, or why helps anyways because as much I'd like to imagine I never saw this before, I have. I went from the happiest I had been in 6 years back to this disabling mind battle with myself over who can psych itself out enough fastest to end up one mean girl with a simple question of "Why Again?" I don't remember much at all these past few months. I blocked it out like usual when I go through any clinical depression spell. God doesn't let me have these memories because they are quite ugly and unpleasant. Maybe I finally sat down and thought about it. This year was majorly fucked up in everyday and I could be just processing it and what people can do to cut you to the bone.

In just this past year I've lost about 8 extremely close friends. Mostly through assumptions and disgraceful ignorance. I had no walls up. Those I am trying to grow. Two very dear, family like best friends, are not loving me when I really need it. But no one knows till they've felt unlovable, disgusted, triggers everywhere.......and the best/worst is that I'm staying sober this time through this. Nothing to blur the fucked up thoughts and actions I deal with. My friend B always told me to never have any close relations with girls and I wish I would have listened. They all broke me. And hey Bek.......it's through sickness and through health you are there. This isn't a laughing matter one bit and it's sad if something happens, this is how our BEAUTIFUL friendship ended. No hi, or goodbyes. My soul partner in this road that we call life where we are up and no one can tough us or we are sunk into the carpet, I'm filled with joy for you. I hope you get my Eminem updates every so often! You heal. This time last year this was you. Crazy how shit changes? All I'll say besides I love you and God did have a plan on us meeting and instantly feel all the pain the other carries. The days go by and I can't imagine my life without your smile, intelligence, and talent. Doody you saved my life just when I was about to go. I'm done. If this makes it clearer.....it pains me to smile.

I said if this happened again I couldn't do it but funny how I'm still pushing, and I have no idea why. I'm thin. Ensure+ is my half friend. I'm mad, angry, and lonely. I hurt that I can't even feel it. Well here it is, laid out; sleep and eat^priorities, medicine(I'm so done with that fuck fuck fuck!), 14 years on meds cause my brain does release serotonin. I'm cool now cause I understand my disease but it wasn't cool when I was cutting myself at 15 to wean out the mental pain. This is why I am always trying to help those in need or feel just lost, alone, and in need.

I can't go anymore today but if you have your health be overly gracious because some do not have that security. Be there for your loved one....especially in hard times. Love....never hate. Please keep my two sisters in your prayers, as one is separated from her mom during a time when she needs to hold her hand; and my Doody. My heart. You have my heart and it hurts to beat. Prayers to Pam and Maggie. I know God will get us all where we need to be but these intermissions are not fun. Blessed, try to be strong and hopeful I will stay and well.....thats why I've been completely MIA.