When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep-And your never really awake.
FIGHT CLUB
So the cold air is all around and warm sun seems just so far away(well I only have a month until I can see the sun everyday thank goodness). But what do we do when these times come along? Go to bed at 6pm because It's pitch dark out and it seems like the right thing to do? Sit and stare at walls while listening to your own downer mix(if you don't have a downer mix let me know and I'll get one right out to you. I rock at mixes!), or the worst.........your therapists gives you a fucking sunlamp that you are to sit in front of for 30 minutes twice a day so you can fake you find into thinking your in the tropics. That lamp went flying out my window within two days. We may have issues with seasonal depression and insomnia but that sure as hell doesn't make us dumb enough to believe a light is going to make everything all chipper cheery!!! Now I've been through this before. Actually starting in High School(but I tend to think that not sleeping for a night was either I had a big day ahead of me excitement wise......ohh you know, sitting and talking to the boy you like, big pep rally, high school musical or any play performance. Now those are exciting things to stay up about and your 17 so who the hell cares. The world is yours to take. I could give a f about sleep. Now if I don't get sleep you would think something drastic had occurred because I alert the media and cry like a baby about it. Maybe it's just cause I've lived with this for soo long that I no longer believe any stupid drug can fix this problem. It's just you gotta let it ride out. Surprisingly you can get much accomplished during a night that you sleep and dreams have disappeared. Here is my absolute favorite quote about insomnia:
It's at night when perhaps we should be dreaming, that the mind is most clear, that we are most able to hold all our life in the palm of our skull. I don't know if anyone has ever pointed out that great attraction of insomnia before, but it is so; the night seems to release a little more of out vast backward inheritance of instincts and feelings; as with the dawn, a little honey is allowed to ooze between the lips of a sandwich, a little of the stuff of dreams to drip into the walking mind. I wish I believed, as J.B. Priestley did, that consciousness continues after disembodiment or death, not forever, but for a long time. Perhaps that's why some of us insomniacs; night is soo precious that it would be pusillanimous to sleep all through it! A "bad night" is not always a bad thing. -Brian W. Aldiss
Those are very much my thought exactly. Although I may often complain and only sleep here and there when I can-I do believe the creative mind evoloves in the time. I don't know if it's the darkness, the loneliness, and the feeling that even though you're not asleep.......you're dreams are still talking to you and giving you idea that you would have never thought of if you hadn't had that "bad night". I learn so much at night because your true true interests that you fascinate about come out. Where would by eight gorgeous poem books be if I would have never not been able to sleep and began to write? Or the choreography that just comes to you while exhausted. These grande ideas are what keeps us afloat and maybe some of us have a pinch of insomniac in us to let our minds be free with us, for us to discover out next dream.
So as I have been in bitch mode, I will tell you a little secret. I discovered a lot over the past two weeks while unable to rest and have a lot of new work I wish to use and hopefully others will use as well.
As for any advise I could give you all that are and have struggled just like myself. Well to tell you the truth I have pretty much worn out my welcome on all sleeping meds. My psychiatrist and i were going through a list today and I was like "hated it, didn't work, made my mouth taste funny, I'd have to take like 20 of those to do anything" I've given them all a chance. But when you REALLY can't sleep there is NO cure. No amount of whatever is going to do it. Ex: my gorgeous Heith and my Pop King MJ, all the way to Eminem who thankfully was saved after 5-6 years of sedative abuse(main problem being Ambien). I did the sleep concoction drug route, I did the sober route, I did the drinking a bottle of wine route. None work so my advise to you all is use these extra 8 hours to discover new dreams, new fantasy's, and try things you never though you could before. It will all be worth it and in 3 weeks to 3 months you'll be sound asleep again....
Peace&Insomnia
S
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