Ohh lovely blog how you've grown over the year. Went from 0 to over 1,000 peeps now. Thank you sooo much from the bottom of my heart and Happy Fuckin' New Year!!!
So let's reflect. That's what you do when a new year begins.....right? Well let's try it. 2010 was an okay year. Nothing great. Nothing horrible. Just okay. When I began 2010, I believe I was a little down. Nothing tragic or anything I've felt in the past but just a little down. Cause=Unknown. Going into this year I don't feel down at all, but actually very joyful and positive. I've learned a lot this year I guess you can say. And, once again, I had to grow very thick skin and fight. Something I'm beginning to get used to. My trust has been horribly battered and I have a hard time opening up to people now. You'll see why in a little. Let's begin with the okay things......
I was very honored to be in and watch two of my best friends get married. Those days were just shining and everything was magic! I am that bridesmaid that will cry the ENTIRE ceremony. NEVER thought I would be that girl. We all know my thoughts on weddings and how I am just not the big wedding type, but ohh to see my best friends do it is just a breath taking experience. All of the showers, and bachlorette party's, and vaca's kept me pretty busy. And that's what I portrayed....a busy busy girl. But in all reality, I was anything but busy. I was actually overwhelmingly bored. Bored to death. I wanted to move, but to where I didn't know. DC, Charlotte, Baltimore, had all been on the list for a while but I never LOVED those cities. I loved the people in them but didn't feel that "now this is for me" ever while I was in them. I may even like Pittsburgh, PA better and we all know how I feel about Pittsburgh and how it gives me the chills and nausea when i am in it! So I did something really random. I called up(ok not really hahaha. I facebook messaged) an old friend from high school and we started talking a lot and I had always wanted to go to Los Angeles; So I picked up and left for a couple weeks in Southern Cali. Never thinking I would die for it(I'm more of a NYC girl), well I did. I knew instantly almost that thats where I wanted to move. Everything there was slower. Everybody was soo artistic and out there. Days of the week and time didn't matter. And the best was you can be at Fred Segal then a hop skip and jump away be looking at the ocean. It was HEAVEN! It was me.
(The paragraph that follows is written for those who have been or are in recovery from substance abuse. Bless you and please know there is an end if you want it bad enough.)
I couldn't go to L.A. right away and am actually leaving in 12 1/2 days from now as I am writing this haha. My summer move was pushed to the side when my father was in a horrible motorcycle in the beginning of May. It broke me. Literally killed me. And although in the long run he would be fine(and he is!!!), I couldn't come to terms and deal with it. I was prescribed a drug in April called Adderall. I'm sure you all have tried that once or twice if you had gone to college or if you have a touch of ADHD like I do. Now up until that point I really hadn't done much with it and had rarely even taken the full recommended dosage each day. I did not want to start relying on a drug everyday to help my concentration but if you know anything about adderall you know it's just a form of speed and the high you get it wonderful and very addictive. And if you know me, I have a high tendency to be drawn to addiction and have had problems in the past with this as well. And then my Dad and then there I was bad to my old habits. To get through the two and a half months my dad was in the hospital and rehab, I went right back to my comfort zone of numbing myself. I did though, surprisingly, never returned to drinking alcohol. I had quit drinking in February and that is one thing I was not going to give in to. So I went and went and went and went and went until one day in August, after being strung out for almost 5 months, I just dropped. My electrolytes were out of whack due to my dehydration and lack of food. I had lost a good 10 pounds by this point. And I was severely exhausted. I only slept 2-4 hours a night during all this. I wanted this damn drug away from me. It was ruining my life. So I tried to quit. Lasted 3 days. Tried again a couple weeks later. Lasted 3 days. Tried again and tried and tried. As much as I hated this pill and what it did, I also was madly in love with it and could not quit it on my own. Let me also mention that I I also had every side affect in the book but don't worry that wasn't stopping me. I DID NOT want to go back to rehab so I became REALLY fucking strong. I gave the bottle, and paper prescriptions to friends. Hiding only about 3 in my wallet which I took later on that evening. I stayed up like usual (it was soo bad by bedtime was around 10am and if I had things to do in the morning I would just not sleep at all) and then finally surrendered. 6 days of miserableness, crying, sweating, puking, and being completely lethargic.......I woke up at one point and I knew it was over and I was gonna be okay. Tears of joy streamed down my cheeks for weeks afterwards. I don't know who and who hasn't gone through an addiction but your free when it's over. I look at it now like a horrible dream. My sleeping still isn't back to normal and I am almost back to my old weight. All I can say is that we all deal with hard times differently. Never judge anyone because you have no idea what that person may be going through. Special thanks to my friends and parents, especially Doody.
Did I say we were going to start with the good stuff? Humm good stuff......ummm well I got really awesome new Prada sunglasses, but mainly my father making it through this accident is the best "good stuff" I got for you! Other things I was "okay" with in 2010 include Eminem's "Recovery" album, T. Swizzles "Speak Now" album, and the "When You're Strange" movie about the Doors. Those were some good things. Also the song "Runaway"(not the AWFUL "movie"), by Kanye West. There is someone who came to me to ask for help and I am still learning. Sometimes my advise isn't that great but it works and together we are getting though something and I love him. My friends, of course, played a huge part in 2010. I give my all to them. They are priceless treasures surrounded by shining stars and I just wish they could be with me at all times. We may be far apart but distance sure never made us grow apart for any of us. Love you all. Doody, You can speak on my behalf through anything and be completely correct. That's how well you know me. I am soo grateful and wonder how we got this far without each other??? You know me like no one else. I am soo happy to have the honor of your friendship. Let me see.....other "okay" things??? Well thanks to all the amazing musicians out there. I couldn't live without music. Alright that's about that.
Unfortunately, once again, I had and toughen up. I am still, till this day devastated that people who you thought you knew so well, aren't at all what they seemed to be. I hate the fact that I have to now not be free spirit with everyone and can't let everything out to everyone. Even the people that you trusted most. I had my trust, and my heart horribly battered as a handful of my "so called good friends" turned on me. I can't describe the type of pain that the words that were said to me and the people that did this and how broken they made me. I am now very weary of who I trust. It's sad. I never used to be like this. But wow after being backstabben from a group of girls in your hometown of Pittsburgh because of rumors and gossip, I learned they weren't even worth my friendship. Soo immature that not a one of them had or have ever even called me to tell me the TRUTH on why this all went on. It still pains me but I know that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE OR IS JUST BLATANTLY MEAN TO THEM UNLESS THEY HAVE SERIOUS JEALOUSY ISSUES WITH THEM. So in return I got stronger, skin got a little thicker, and am honored to be your topic of conversation. As much as I wish I would forget you all, I never will, and as much as I love you all and that will never change, what did change is the way I look at you. You used to be soo beautiful and kind to me. Now you all look like unattractive, evil, kneiving, selfish souls. Something I would never want to be or be surrounded by. And as many tears I still waste on the hurt you brought and still bring to me, I do know, in the long run, WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND. BIG TIME!
That's my 2010 and that's why I am pretty happy it has finally come to an end. To my people-I love you all soo much you have no idea. To my enemies-haha thanks for what you did. You actually made me a hell of a lot stronger and I will never let people like you into my life ever again. I'm better than this.
So let's reflect. That's what you do when a new year begins.....right? Well let's try it. 2010 was an okay year. Nothing great. Nothing horrible. Just okay. When I began 2010, I believe I was a little down. Nothing tragic or anything I've felt in the past but just a little down. Cause=Unknown. Going into this year I don't feel down at all, but actually very joyful and positive. I've learned a lot this year I guess you can say. And, once again, I had to grow very thick skin and fight. Something I'm beginning to get used to. My trust has been horribly battered and I have a hard time opening up to people now. You'll see why in a little. Let's begin with the okay things......
I was very honored to be in and watch two of my best friends get married. Those days were just shining and everything was magic! I am that bridesmaid that will cry the ENTIRE ceremony. NEVER thought I would be that girl. We all know my thoughts on weddings and how I am just not the big wedding type, but ohh to see my best friends do it is just a breath taking experience. All of the showers, and bachlorette party's, and vaca's kept me pretty busy. And that's what I portrayed....a busy busy girl. But in all reality, I was anything but busy. I was actually overwhelmingly bored. Bored to death. I wanted to move, but to where I didn't know. DC, Charlotte, Baltimore, had all been on the list for a while but I never LOVED those cities. I loved the people in them but didn't feel that "now this is for me" ever while I was in them. I may even like Pittsburgh, PA better and we all know how I feel about Pittsburgh and how it gives me the chills and nausea when i am in it! So I did something really random. I called up(ok not really hahaha. I facebook messaged) an old friend from high school and we started talking a lot and I had always wanted to go to Los Angeles; So I picked up and left for a couple weeks in Southern Cali. Never thinking I would die for it(I'm more of a NYC girl), well I did. I knew instantly almost that thats where I wanted to move. Everything there was slower. Everybody was soo artistic and out there. Days of the week and time didn't matter. And the best was you can be at Fred Segal then a hop skip and jump away be looking at the ocean. It was HEAVEN! It was me.
(The paragraph that follows is written for those who have been or are in recovery from substance abuse. Bless you and please know there is an end if you want it bad enough.)
I couldn't go to L.A. right away and am actually leaving in 12 1/2 days from now as I am writing this haha. My summer move was pushed to the side when my father was in a horrible motorcycle in the beginning of May. It broke me. Literally killed me. And although in the long run he would be fine(and he is!!!), I couldn't come to terms and deal with it. I was prescribed a drug in April called Adderall. I'm sure you all have tried that once or twice if you had gone to college or if you have a touch of ADHD like I do. Now up until that point I really hadn't done much with it and had rarely even taken the full recommended dosage each day. I did not want to start relying on a drug everyday to help my concentration but if you know anything about adderall you know it's just a form of speed and the high you get it wonderful and very addictive. And if you know me, I have a high tendency to be drawn to addiction and have had problems in the past with this as well. And then my Dad and then there I was bad to my old habits. To get through the two and a half months my dad was in the hospital and rehab, I went right back to my comfort zone of numbing myself. I did though, surprisingly, never returned to drinking alcohol. I had quit drinking in February and that is one thing I was not going to give in to. So I went and went and went and went and went until one day in August, after being strung out for almost 5 months, I just dropped. My electrolytes were out of whack due to my dehydration and lack of food. I had lost a good 10 pounds by this point. And I was severely exhausted. I only slept 2-4 hours a night during all this. I wanted this damn drug away from me. It was ruining my life. So I tried to quit. Lasted 3 days. Tried again a couple weeks later. Lasted 3 days. Tried again and tried and tried. As much as I hated this pill and what it did, I also was madly in love with it and could not quit it on my own. Let me also mention that I I also had every side affect in the book but don't worry that wasn't stopping me. I DID NOT want to go back to rehab so I became REALLY fucking strong. I gave the bottle, and paper prescriptions to friends. Hiding only about 3 in my wallet which I took later on that evening. I stayed up like usual (it was soo bad by bedtime was around 10am and if I had things to do in the morning I would just not sleep at all) and then finally surrendered. 6 days of miserableness, crying, sweating, puking, and being completely lethargic.......I woke up at one point and I knew it was over and I was gonna be okay. Tears of joy streamed down my cheeks for weeks afterwards. I don't know who and who hasn't gone through an addiction but your free when it's over. I look at it now like a horrible dream. My sleeping still isn't back to normal and I am almost back to my old weight. All I can say is that we all deal with hard times differently. Never judge anyone because you have no idea what that person may be going through. Special thanks to my friends and parents, especially Doody.
Did I say we were going to start with the good stuff? Humm good stuff......ummm well I got really awesome new Prada sunglasses, but mainly my father making it through this accident is the best "good stuff" I got for you! Other things I was "okay" with in 2010 include Eminem's "Recovery" album, T. Swizzles "Speak Now" album, and the "When You're Strange" movie about the Doors. Those were some good things. Also the song "Runaway"(not the AWFUL "movie"), by Kanye West. There is someone who came to me to ask for help and I am still learning. Sometimes my advise isn't that great but it works and together we are getting though something and I love him. My friends, of course, played a huge part in 2010. I give my all to them. They are priceless treasures surrounded by shining stars and I just wish they could be with me at all times. We may be far apart but distance sure never made us grow apart for any of us. Love you all. Doody, You can speak on my behalf through anything and be completely correct. That's how well you know me. I am soo grateful and wonder how we got this far without each other??? You know me like no one else. I am soo happy to have the honor of your friendship. Let me see.....other "okay" things??? Well thanks to all the amazing musicians out there. I couldn't live without music. Alright that's about that.
Unfortunately, once again, I had and toughen up. I am still, till this day devastated that people who you thought you knew so well, aren't at all what they seemed to be. I hate the fact that I have to now not be free spirit with everyone and can't let everything out to everyone. Even the people that you trusted most. I had my trust, and my heart horribly battered as a handful of my "so called good friends" turned on me. I can't describe the type of pain that the words that were said to me and the people that did this and how broken they made me. I am now very weary of who I trust. It's sad. I never used to be like this. But wow after being backstabben from a group of girls in your hometown of Pittsburgh because of rumors and gossip, I learned they weren't even worth my friendship. Soo immature that not a one of them had or have ever even called me to tell me the TRUTH on why this all went on. It still pains me but I know that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE OR IS JUST BLATANTLY MEAN TO THEM UNLESS THEY HAVE SERIOUS JEALOUSY ISSUES WITH THEM. So in return I got stronger, skin got a little thicker, and am honored to be your topic of conversation. As much as I wish I would forget you all, I never will, and as much as I love you all and that will never change, what did change is the way I look at you. You used to be soo beautiful and kind to me. Now you all look like unattractive, evil, kneiving, selfish souls. Something I would never want to be or be surrounded by. And as many tears I still waste on the hurt you brought and still bring to me, I do know, in the long run, WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND. BIG TIME!
That's my 2010 and that's why I am pretty happy it has finally come to an end. To my people-I love you all soo much you have no idea. To my enemies-haha thanks for what you did. You actually made me a hell of a lot stronger and I will never let people like you into my life ever again. I'm better than this.
Peace & Happy 2011 my darling readers!!!
S
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