Bravery Never Goes Out Of Style

I am very impressed by this adorable young Disney star. Eighteen year old, Demi Lovato, has been very brave and opened up to her fans and viewers about some personal problems she has been facing. Instead of hiding or lying like most, Demi has stepped up and spoke to America about the many issues that are kept hush hush around Hollywood, and hopefully helping those who do keep their problems in the dark be able to open up. Having such a role model will hopefully lead to more young adults stepping up and speaking about the troubles they may be going through and the diseases that are kept quiet.

After all the talk of Catherine Zeta Jones speaking up about being Bipolar, a younger very wise woman followed in her footsteps. Demi Lovato, star of Disney's 'Sonny With A Chance', talked about her recent experience in treatment. Suffering from depression, anorexia, bulimia, and cutting; Demi found out in her latest treatment that she was also Bipolar. Not only does she live with these issues everyday, Demi was one of the bravest 18 year old I know by speaking up about it. It's very hard at that age to talk to others about such topics and with her doing so hopefully more teens and young adults will feel much more ease talking about their own illnesses.

She battled with depression from a very young age along with her love/hate relationship with food. Cutting was also something she did to ease the pain inside. While getting 3 months of in-patient treatment for her eating disorder, she also found out that she suffers from the disease Bipolar. "I never found out until I went into treatment that I was bipolar. Looking back it makes sense. There were times when I was so manic, I was writing seven songs in one night and I'd be up until 5.30 in the morning." Now she is undergoing treatment for her diagnosis and feels that what is most important to her at this time is to help others. She is wise and brave beyond her years. Demi, in my book, is a true superstar in every right!!!

If you are a new reader to "And Who Are You Again", this is first and foremost a place that I created to talk openly about my own disorders and let others come and read and hopefully discuss or write to me in private about the mental diseases they may be facing or have been already diagnosed. After I left treatment two years ago I immediately went into wanting to express myself, my very imperfect self, to people which lead to a lot of readers opening up to me, giving both of us a place to talk and vent. Living with cutting, addiction, eating disorder due to nerves, panic disorder, and being bipolar II, sure isn't easy. But I am very free about it. You can ask me just about anything and I am more than willing to help. This year for my birthday I raised $270 through facebook for the cause "Suicide Prevention and Awareness". That is very dear to my heart with chronic depression being so prevalent in my life. I did not know who Demi Lovato was until yesterday but to me she is a hero for speaking up and helping others be okay with what they may be suffering from. You do not have to have a mental disorder to help either. If you know or have known anyone that is/was ill from a mental disease or even if you do not, you can take the 1st step in gaining knowledge on the subjects and bring awareness to others. Living with these disorders is not a walk in the park and you will, even when in control, have a handful of bad days. On the bright side though you, well I know I did, become VERY VERY strong. I feel as though I can take on anything now from what I have been through beginning at 15. I would love to hear from you if any of you ever need to talk or just get something out. It's no fun living a lie and the first step is admitting you have a problem, which is the most difficult thing you will have to do. Thank you to Demi, Catherine, and the others that are in the spotlight for speaking up and making it a tad easier for others to do so as well.

PEACE & LOVE
S

You're Up Then You're Down

Yesterday it was announced that Catherine Zeta Jones was taking some time off to head to the Psych Ward to get some R&R because her mental disorder was acting up. Catherine suffers from Bipolar disorder. Why did this need to be announced on the National News? Why do people still find mental disorders soo intriguing? If she had announced she was in the hospital due to, say she had Diabetes, none of this would be thrown in our faces over the television and internet. Over the past handful of years we have seen many celebrities in the throws of mental illnesses. And all of it makes more and more interest occur in Americans to sit back and watch. It's a shame and it needs to come to an end.

Over the past year and a half that I have been writing for this blog, I have announced that I suffer from a mental disorder myself. What I have is not anyone's business but let's just say it's pretty similar to what Catherine Zeta Jones has. If you wish to look into that further go ahead. It's not a death trap. It's not a disability. It's something that is very manageable with the correct therapy and medication. I am a completely normal person, as is Catherine Zeta Jones. Did I make the news? Absolutely not. So why are Hollywood hotties such hot topics when they hit a tricky time and have to take some time to get everything back in tact? Or if Lithium is found in Britney Spears purse? It's a disease that medication plays a huge factor, just like making sure you take your insulin when you have diabetes. Below is a lovely list of people you may know that have Bipolar Disorder. In this list you will see that these people have created some of the best work in the world and most are also considered geniuses. As I have said this before, those are more likely to fall into this if they have it in their genetics, very creative souls that use their left side of the brain more than the rational right side, or from experiences in your life. All of these can lead or help bring out Bipolar Disorder. It's not a curse or a case where you can no longer live life as you know it. No, it is not curable but it is treatable and if treated correctly you are likely to lead a wonderful normal life.

A few Celebs that you may know that have Bipolar Disorder

DMX(betcha didn't know that, huh!)

Catherine Zeta Jones

Russell Brand

Mel Gibson

Macy Gray

Ozzy Osbourne

Axl Rose

Pete Wentz

Emilie Autumn

Jim Carey

Ben Stiller

Jimi Hendrix

Britney Spears

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Mel Gibson

Sting

Along wth Many More

......and others who have been unofficially diagnosed but display clear symptoms and actions of Bipolar persona's: Eminem, Kurt Cobain, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, etc.

Mental Disorders need just the same care as psychical disorders and are NOTHING to be ashamed of but should not receive all the extra attention that they do. We are normal people with normal lives and treat the disease just as you would treat any disease. No pity needed and this should not be making national news. To all of my peeps out there just like me, just want to say I know and we can do this! xoxoxo

*I am not saying by any means that this is an easy disease to live with. I live it everyday and curse about it! It takes a lot of courage and hope just as any other physical or mental disease, but it is manageable.

Please watch this small excerpt on Britney and how Dr. Phil says how great shes doing. I just love it!

http://perezhilton.com/2011-04-01-dr-drew-talks-about-britney-spears

P&L

S

I'm Like Still, Y'all Don't Know Me, Shit!

Ohh lovely blog how you've grown over the year. Went from 0 to over 1,000 peeps now. Thank you sooo much from the bottom of my heart and Happy Fuckin' New Year!!!


So let's reflect. That's what you do when a new year begins.....right? Well let's try it. 2010 was an okay year. Nothing great. Nothing horrible. Just okay. When I began 2010, I believe I was a little down. Nothing tragic or anything I've felt in the past but just a little down. Cause=Unknown. Going into this year I don't feel down at all, but actually very joyful and positive. I've learned a lot this year I guess you can say. And, once again, I had to grow very thick skin and fight. Something I'm beginning to get used to. My trust has been horribly battered and I have a hard time opening up to people now. You'll see why in a little. Let's begin with the okay things......


I was very honored to be in and watch two of my best friends get married. Those days were just shining and everything was magic! I am that bridesmaid that will cry the ENTIRE ceremony. NEVER thought I would be that girl. We all know my thoughts on weddings and how I am just not the big wedding type, but ohh to see my best friends do it is just a breath taking experience. All of the showers, and bachlorette party's, and vaca's kept me pretty busy. And that's what I portrayed....a busy busy girl. But in all reality, I was anything but busy. I was actually overwhelmingly bored. Bored to death. I wanted to move, but to where I didn't know. DC, Charlotte, Baltimore, had all been on the list for a while but I never LOVED those cities. I loved the people in them but didn't feel that "now this is for me" ever while I was in them. I may even like Pittsburgh, PA better and we all know how I feel about Pittsburgh and how it gives me the chills and nausea when i am in it! So I did something really random. I called up(ok not really hahaha. I facebook messaged) an old friend from high school and we started talking a lot and I had always wanted to go to Los Angeles; So I picked up and left for a couple weeks in Southern Cali. Never thinking I would die for it(I'm more of a NYC girl), well I did. I knew instantly almost that thats where I wanted to move. Everything there was slower. Everybody was soo artistic and out there. Days of the week and time didn't matter. And the best was you can be at Fred Segal then a hop skip and jump away be looking at the ocean. It was HEAVEN! It was me.



(The paragraph that follows is written for those who have been or are in recovery from substance abuse. Bless you and please know there is an end if you want it bad enough.)

I couldn't go to L.A. right away and am actually leaving in 12 1/2 days from now as I am writing this haha. My summer move was pushed to the side when my father was in a horrible motorcycle in the beginning of May. It broke me. Literally killed me. And although in the long run he would be fine(and he is!!!), I couldn't come to terms and deal with it. I was prescribed a drug in April called Adderall. I'm sure you all have tried that once or twice if you had gone to college or if you have a touch of ADHD like I do. Now up until that point I really hadn't done much with it and had rarely even taken the full recommended dosage each day. I did not want to start relying on a drug everyday to help my concentration but if you know anything about adderall you know it's just a form of speed and the high you get it wonderful and very addictive. And if you know me, I have a high tendency to be drawn to addiction and have had problems in the past with this as well. And then my Dad and then there I was bad to my old habits. To get through the two and a half months my dad was in the hospital and rehab, I went right back to my comfort zone of numbing myself. I did though, surprisingly, never returned to drinking alcohol. I had quit drinking in February and that is one thing I was not going to give in to. So I went and went and went and went and went until one day in August, after being strung out for almost 5 months, I just dropped. My electrolytes were out of whack due to my dehydration and lack of food. I had lost a good 10 pounds by this point. And I was severely exhausted. I only slept 2-4 hours a night during all this. I wanted this damn drug away from me. It was ruining my life. So I tried to quit. Lasted 3 days. Tried again a couple weeks later. Lasted 3 days. Tried again and tried and tried. As much as I hated this pill and what it did, I also was madly in love with it and could not quit it on my own. Let me also mention that I I also had every side affect in the book but don't worry that wasn't stopping me. I DID NOT want to go back to rehab so I became REALLY fucking strong. I gave the bottle, and paper prescriptions to friends. Hiding only about 3 in my wallet which I took later on that evening. I stayed up like usual (it was soo bad by bedtime was around 10am and if I had things to do in the morning I would just not sleep at all) and then finally surrendered. 6 days of miserableness, crying, sweating, puking, and being completely lethargic.......I woke up at one point and I knew it was over and I was gonna be okay. Tears of joy streamed down my cheeks for weeks afterwards. I don't know who and who hasn't gone through an addiction but your free when it's over. I look at it now like a horrible dream. My sleeping still isn't back to normal and I am almost back to my old weight. All I can say is that we all deal with hard times differently. Never judge anyone because you have no idea what that person may be going through. Special thanks to my friends and parents, especially Doody.



Did I say we were going to start with the good stuff? Humm good stuff......ummm well I got really awesome new Prada sunglasses, but mainly my father making it through this accident is the best "good stuff" I got for you! Other things I was "okay" with in 2010 include Eminem's "Recovery" album, T. Swizzles "Speak Now" album, and the "When You're Strange" movie about the Doors. Those were some good things. Also the song "Runaway"(not the AWFUL "movie"), by Kanye West. There is someone who came to me to ask for help and I am still learning. Sometimes my advise isn't that great but it works and together we are getting though something and I love him. My friends, of course, played a huge part in 2010. I give my all to them. They are priceless treasures surrounded by shining stars and I just wish they could be with me at all times. We may be far apart but distance sure never made us grow apart for any of us. Love you all. Doody, You can speak on my behalf through anything and be completely correct. That's how well you know me. I am soo grateful and wonder how we got this far without each other??? You know me like no one else. I am soo happy to have the honor of your friendship. Let me see.....other "okay" things??? Well thanks to all the amazing musicians out there. I couldn't live without music. Alright that's about that.



Unfortunately, once again, I had and toughen up. I am still, till this day devastated that people who you thought you knew so well, aren't at all what they seemed to be. I hate the fact that I have to now not be free spirit with everyone and can't let everything out to everyone. Even the people that you trusted most. I had my trust, and my heart horribly battered as a handful of my "so called good friends" turned on me. I can't describe the type of pain that the words that were said to me and the people that did this and how broken they made me. I am now very weary of who I trust. It's sad. I never used to be like this. But wow after being backstabben from a group of girls in your hometown of Pittsburgh because of rumors and gossip, I learned they weren't even worth my friendship. Soo immature that not a one of them had or have ever even called me to tell me the TRUTH on why this all went on. It still pains me but I know that NO ONE TALKS ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE OR IS JUST BLATANTLY MEAN TO THEM UNLESS THEY HAVE SERIOUS JEALOUSY ISSUES WITH THEM. So in return I got stronger, skin got a little thicker, and am honored to be your topic of conversation. As much as I wish I would forget you all, I never will, and as much as I love you all and that will never change, what did change is the way I look at you. You used to be soo beautiful and kind to me. Now you all look like unattractive, evil, kneiving, selfish souls. Something I would never want to be or be surrounded by. And as many tears I still waste on the hurt you brought and still bring to me, I do know, in the long run, WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND. BIG TIME!

That's my 2010 and that's why I am pretty happy it has finally come to an end. To my people-I love you all soo much you have no idea. To my enemies-haha thanks for what you did. You actually made me a hell of a lot stronger and I will never let people like you into my life ever again. I'm better than this.

Peace & Happy 2011 my darling readers!!!
S

Like What the Hell Was I Thinking?

Most of us are not perfect children. Actually I'm sure none of us are but some us do cause a little more pain and drama to our parents and family than others. For those of you that are coming from this place and have been through some very serious matters, this is for you.

Last week around this time one of my very dear friends made a point of it to really reach out and thank his parents for being there by his side after all the pain and fear he has caused him. And he reminded me that I should do the same. I followed and thanked my parents for the unconditional love they give me, no matter what the situation I may be going through. It's really hard for me to do this sometimes because I usually begin to cry. I just feel so blessed and lucky to have made it through to be able to tell my parents I love them each day. I, along with a few of my friends, are truly very lucky to be alive. There is a point though where where we get fed up with the need to walk on stones around our parents and having them watch you like a hawk at all times. Even if you are a thousand miles away. This comes from fear. From the time where they lied awake not knowing what tomorrow would bring for their dear child. Would they be sad, would tomorrow be the day that they overdose, and why and how did this happen to their child? I am trying to understand my parents better and the constant watching and worrying even though I am currently doing very well(so well that it scares me at times and I have to pinch myself). Now when you are in this mist of a mess, I do and can see where they are coming from. Sometimes though all the love and worry turns into screaming matches and "I hate yous". This solves nothing but when in a bad place you are soo beyond gone that you don't know what to do, what to say, where to turn, and express most of it all through anger. And who does this anger get taken out on the most......those that you love and care about. I've taken a lot just from helping a couple friends and seeing their attitudes and moods being extremely negative and almost mean at times. It's not meant to be towards us but you are soo aggitated and lost you lose control. I can handle this because I've been there. But most of our parents have not. This is where we need to come up with a solution between the one at risk and the close family and friends. Do you have any solutions that have worked best for you in these times? I am still trying to find a way to be rational when things are brought up. My two dear friends that are having a hard time right now use screaming matches as a way of coping. We know it's not the right thing but when put on the spot that is just whats going to happen. I tried to find further information on this problem involving communication.

As you can see by watching Intervention or Celebrity Rehab or by just reading the Rolling Stone article with Eminem that I wrote about last evening; You will see that when in rehab, while on drugs, while dealing with depression and anxiety, that you are sooooo far out that you are just a shell of yourself at the time. You're angry. Who wants to be a prisoner to a substance or wake up everyday hoping today may be the day you die? Nobody and unless you have been there it's actually truly impossible to explain. Our parents try soo hard and they go to classes and try to learn about these diseases and basically do EVERYTHING in their power to try to understand. But it's something that you cannot understand no matter how much you study or how much we try to tell you how we feel. It's not like cancer where you know what is going on and what is or may happen. This is a lifetime disease and the days are unknown. I wake up and wonder why I am still doing ok. That's how scared I am from the fact that I know one of these days I will most likely face that nightmare again. Parents don't get that so even when you are having really great days you can within 24 hours be having a bad day where you want to give up or turn to a substance.

A great observation of this is shown through the documentary, Britney: For the Record. This documentary was filmed about 8 months after Britney had her last stay at the hospital and in the film, Britney, and her father show the pain that Britney's disorder have affected her and her family. The worst part of Britney's case though is that she still, after 3 entire years in January, is still under a conservatorship through her father which basically allows her to have enough freedom of those at age 17. This is a great film to watch when you feel like you have to hard from your parents and life in general. And even though Britney states a couple times that everything could have been/be a lot worse that can happen and how grateful she is to be alive, she is basically a prisoner to the law. At the time this was filmed, Britney was not even allowed to drive as one of the laws that her father made. Can you imagine not being able to get in your car and drive? Her father loves her and you can see that a lot. A couple times in the film, Jamie(Brit's dad), begins to cry just by looking at Britney or seeing her smile. Both my mother and father have done this from time to time since I have been well. It's tears of joy and tears just for the fact that we are alive. Yesterday afternoon I had to drive my Dad to get his car and I was singing Taylor Swift really loud and obnoxiously and he began to cry. It saddens me that I've caused them so much fear and pain that they cry when they see me happy and safe because they thought they may never see that again. In Britney's situation she doesn't have someone just asking her 20 questions a day, she is actually under law by her parents. She gets an allowance, told what she can do and with whom, and is NOT going to get better if this keeps going on. I mean what the hell do her medical records say that is soo awful that she must be under lock and key by her father who was a raging alcoholic and did not treat her mother or her brother and sister well throughout.....well actually just about up until 4-5 years ago when he was able to finally get clean. I watch the news and see these addicts with mental problems robbing and raping and they don't seem to get it as bad. The law is awful and you're definitely not treated like a person but rather a number that is soo diseased that it should have no right to have any say. "I just cope with it every day....It's better not to feel anything at all and have hope than to feel the other way . . . It's bad. I'm sad." Does anybody know why she's still under this conservatorship? Can you imagine being 29 years old and not be able to make your own decisions? This is what I call an EXTREME way to parents a child with medical disorders. It's just not right.

So as much as I get annoyed, and my dear friends get annoyed we must remember there are people going through the same things we are. And what it's called is love. Whether it's screaming, threatening to do something, or giving you the "where, who, how long, what ya doing?", we need to understand that our parents are just as scared, if not more, then we are. And if you haven't seen this Documentary, I highly recommend it. It's a very sad insight on a girl who would do anything to just be normal and has lost control of her life. It brings you back down to earth in a big way.

Here's a little sneak peak



Peace & Love
S

Going Through Peaks and Valleys, Dilly Dallying

I'm sorry but what I had planned for tonight I cannot finish due to me just having a plan out bad day. We all get them but mine are just a little more complicated as most of you know by now. But I do not want anyone's pity but would like to get some understanding so once again I'll please ask you to, if you haven't already, learn about something this week that you don't know about or feel as though you do but you really don't. Discrimination, Gay Rights, Panic Disorder, Addiction, Hate Crimes. And as always, please remember that "And Who Are You Again?" is a judge free place to come and read away and ask questions about whatever you'd like to me. I have, over the past 1 1/2, dedicated myself to always trying to help at least one other person with whatever kind of demon they are battling, each and everyday. Love you all. It's for all of us when we are having our "Britney" moments!









So I had a really shitty day. I woke up at 7am drenched in sweat with a nasty panic attack. It was one of the worst ones that I have had in quite sometime. I have no idea why or what made it come about but it's just another disorder I've been battling since I was 21. I've accepted it as a part of my daily life and take the steps and measures to keep them on the low and stable. But until this evening this fucking panic attack wasn't coming to an end. Although I am still shaky and feel numbness in my back, I am beginning to feel better and with these few steps I'll teach you how to deal with anxiety or full blown panic attacks for you to have a better understanding and to get through them.







Rule #1 You're Not Going To Die (it's the automatic common response since your body goes directly into fight or flight mode)







Rule#2 Breathe as deep and as much as you can. Try to close your eyes and realize what is happening is something that you've dealt with hundreds of times before. You can get through this.







Rule#3 Don't start popping the Klonopin/Valium immediately. Use your exercises you were taught through your psychiatrist, therapist, theories your fellow friends that suffer as well believe to work, and just keep breathing. The only one that works for me is the breathing one and sometimes that doesn't even work so I just have to get through the day minute by minute, hour by hour. It's my life. I'm used to it.







Rule#4 Do not sit and stare at a wall all day thinking about it. You will not improve by any means. Let out a good cry(they are very scary), call your best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend, and try to eat something even though you feel like you are going to throw up.







Rule#5 Help someone else is is a little worse off then you today. It will give you something to focus on and helping out another friend in need that is going through something as well, always feels rewarding and comforting. (this is when I slightly started to feel better today)







Rule#6 If you've been to Rehab or Outpatient or maybe you know someone who knows exactly how you feel because they've been there. Get it out and talk. I have 2 very important people in my life, one who I met in rehab, and another that has been a good friend of mine for years and has been in rehab and through all of this as well. Call one and get it all out. As much as we LOVEEEE our BFF's and as much as they try to understand, sometimes it will rather harm us then help us to put everything on them when they are not fully educated, even though I know they try their hardest.







Rule#7 Go through all the shit that NO ONE gets, what your feeling, why can't you pinpoint why you are feeling this way, laugh about old terror stories of past, get it out how much you would like for someone to really just live in your life for 24 hours, just for that one day, one how much they could learn about you and how getting through the day is a process, not a simple task. I did this in a 3 hour convo with my closest friend from rehab. We both felt unbelievably better after this!







Rule#8 Feel blessed and thankful for what you have been given. God only gives us as much as we can handle and builds us strength. In the long run, everyone suffers from something, whether they let it be known or not. Stay strong. Be a role model. I would never be who I am today without everything I've been though. I see people and life in a whole different spectrum and accept everyone as who they are. Never judge.







Rule#9 Through drugs and alcohol may seem like the best instant treatment, it's not in the long run. Try as hard as you can to stay away from popping those extra pills or drinks you may have used to use to get by. I am currently sober and have been for the better part of the last 10 months. It's been the best thing I have ever done. Ever. But yes at this time you can take your Klonopin/Valium/Xanax....whatever your are prescribed from your doctor for your disorder. Keep it at your regular dose. If you truly need the medicine, tripling your dosage isn't going to do a thing because you actually need it. You will not get a high.







Rule#10 Pop in the Album that comforts you most in this situation. Tonight, da da dada.......it's Eminem!!!! HUGE surprise I know but my Doody comforts me more than anyone in these times. His albums speak to me in large volumes and no one can replace him in my eyes for being my role model through the addictions, depression, the anxiety, and well you just gotta listen to him. I also though consider myself a huge role model to myself. I've been doing pretty fucking good. Mishaps happen. It's life.











Always believe and have hope. You can get through this. Sometimes there are long detours and sometimes you can find instant relief. Just find whats best for you. I've been dealing with all this since I was 16 and still have no permanent solutions to any of it. I wish I did. Keep the faith <3







P&L

S

I Heard He Sang A Good Song

*The following is a brief interview that was given to me by a friend recently. It jumps around and isn't sad but neither happy. It's just a true look into a few outlooks I have as I continue down this road. A couple fun and silly questions answered as well. Enjoy!

If you had to go and get dressed to go out right now, what would you put on?

Today I am feeling a lot of black so I would probably put on my black plain burnout tee, leather shorts-those are great on the ass by the way-, maybe my nude fishnets with the black seams or maybe just no tights, and just really kick ass open toe ankle boots. Yep. that's it. Outfit speaks for itself so no need for make up. Touch of gloss and moisturizer with my hair down and messy looking. Ohh and lots of bracelets. Classic red nails. Yep that's it. Perfect mad, rocker, look to kill! I want to start dating again to and this outfit is a boy magnet. They love my legs!

Are you happy with where you are in your life currently?

That's a difficult one for me to answer right now. Umm. Ok, I'm very blessed. I appreciate everything and everyone who has contributed in my recovery and wake up and be alive. Because for a long time-well I just didn't care anymore. I do have good days and I do have bad days. But mostly my days are a blurry walk through. After rehab I felt really fucking good and now that I'm on 16 months I'm starting to see the truth again.

What do you mean by "seeing the truth again"?

What I am trying to get out is that I don't really 'feel real' anymore. I think the only reason I am still doing well on the depression side of all this is because of the medication. It's like someone stole my emotions. It's this artificial happiness. It looks real to others. You know what I mean? I'm just kinda here right now. I never knew anything but the dark side for 9 years so this is pretty happy to me. I had to learn how to live again after treatment and I'm very very different now. I miss my old self and I miss that. I gave up a lot to get here. And I don't care about the silly things like not drinking alcohol anymore or making sure I eat so and so many calories, or not overdoing it with the sleeping meds. That's all cool. It's the -pause...

It's the what exactly?

The fact that I'm always being watched. And judged. And criticized. I really hate how many times people ask me if I'm Ok, tell me how good I look, or how bad, and basically treat me as I'm this little girl that might break any second. I just want to live my life and I don't want anyone commentating on it. And that's why, just this summer, I started getting weird about who to tell things to and not. I'm just like everyone else and I just as easily mess up like everyone else. I wanna make mistakes and not have to worry about what other people think. That's what I'm having a problem with right now. I don't know who to trust and I feel very artificially happy.

Is there something that allows you to let yourself completely distract from what you are feeling sometimes?

Yes! I forget about absolutely everything when I am in NYC at a show. Mostly musicals. I get very involved and forget about everything around me. And sometimes when I am home alone---omg I am going to sounds soo freaking dorky right now---I will just blast the music*usually Britney, and sing and dance my heart out. Wow okay that's weird cause when I say that I know I actually feel real and a whole different level of happy. I get euphoric! Okay yeah I'm going to have to start doing that daily. I did for a while and stopped. But dancing is what makes me feel alive and have not a care in the world. It was my 1st and only true love and always will be.

You talk a lot in your writing and in person about how powerful music is to you. Why music?

That's quite easy and yes you are correct I do basically live my days to albums. Okay well there are all these musicians and they all get all their shit out through their music. It's very real, very dramatic, very uplifting, horribly sad, and basically there are these lyrics that you can truly put them however you want them. I can't tell you how much time I spend deciphering lyrics. I also write a ton myself. I found 9.....fucking 9......notebooks just laying around my bedroom. Only 2 still had space. Sometimes I will be at a stoplight and no lie, have an entire chorus come into my head. My songs/one liners that need placed somewhere/and so on are kind of on the darker side for the most part. I think thats where the best music lye's.

Do you have a favorite song? Or if not maybe a favorite artist?

Ohh don't worry, I have a favorite song! It 's Nirvana's 'Dumb'. I die for that song. Did you know Kurt wrote that in 5 minutes or something crazy like that. He's a fucking genius. That particular songs lyrics hit me real hard and always have. It's definitely one that people try to decipher differently but to me, Dumb, is now integrated into my life and those words mean more than you would ever know it me. Everyones tried to figure the meaning out. To me it's just showing what a dark place he lives and in the 'light' it maybe be even harder for him. He was also very far into his addiction at this time and you can see that.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Seriously? Ha! umm listening to 'Dumb' on the beach? I only do exactly 1 day, sometimes 1 hour at a time right now. I' m not a planner. I'd love to live in Spain for a bit. Ohh and I have to have kids because my mom's a twin as well and my grandma on my dad's side so I'm about 100% having twins.

Let's go back to where we began for a minute and try to get a better feel on you and 16 months out of rehab.

Ok. For the past 16 months all that I can tell you is that it's really hard. It's really hard to walk in my shoes. I became really strong in there though because you well you just have to. You have a nightmare of a schedule, and you go through all these changes-mind,body-spirit-all in the course of a few months. Now that I look back I don't think I could do it again. But yeah I think I have a lot more strength than the average person and could deal with a lot more because this is my life and this is all I've known for so long that nothing frightens me anymore. Depression and addiction aren't to be fucked with but some of us, well thats just the hand we got dealt. Once you've been to those places though there's really not much worse to see. You've been in a 24/7 relationship with your substances so that causes you to withdrawal and isolate then add some damn near hell depression and you basically just wait to die. That simple. So yeah when someones complains about their car or clothes or bank accounts, I just can't even be around that anymore. And I used to be that person!!! But no. No way. I've been to to places I would never wish my worst enemy to have to go. No one should ever have to live in that state of mind, or be blessed with such a bad addictive personality that once is it and you're in love. I'm not complaining though because I'm happy I know whats important and whats not. I have become very humble.

Another reason why you may not want to be looked after and talked about so much?

Yes. Exactly. I'm stronger than most, I'm more intelligent than most, and I know what's important in life because I unfortunately have had to deal with the bigger issues in life at such a young age. There are kids that are stronger than us. Born with horrible illnesses. There are people my age a lot stronger than us, having to go through the rigorous treatment of cancer or leukemia. I think when you have to fight for your life to stay alive and make it through theres just like something in your brain that switches on and really changes you. Ok I can't talk about this anymore. I'm sorry.

Do you have a crush on Eminem? Or what's the deal because you love to write about him?

hahahahaha. Well yes.....we are getting married in November actually. It's going to be grand! hahaha. He is a cutie now though. Never thought that before but I do have a crush right now. Partially because of his past 2 albums. My friend told me to go get Relapse and that was that. I've been hooked ever since. I feel this astronomical attachment to these albums. It's crazy. But they have literally in every way helped me get through this past year. When he describes his depression and his drug addiction it's exactly, down to each word, what it feels like. And this man put it all out there. He's soo brave, ridiculously gifted, and made 2 whole albums for people like me and the many others trying to be strong and survive around the world. He doesn't even know how many people he has helped and touched. If you don't believe me just take a listen to DejaVu. Now if you've never relapsed you will still enjoy it but for those that have it's a step by step account of what happens. Going though Changes is another example that even though your alive and but you have these changes that you have to make in your life that absolutely no one understands. It's really lonely. Umm so anyways yeah if you need me to MC at your next party I can definitely do that. Basically have all the lyrics down pat. I think everyone who reads this has Recovery but just to make sure. GO GET THE DAMN ALBUM! Learn about these diseases so Em can stop feeling awkward and so can I.

Recovery YO Pt. I

I am sorry for my absence. I have no excuses. I am weak right now and writing outside of what only I can see, seems very difficult. But I'm gonna give it a shot and we'll take it from there. Seems appropriate to pick myself up and make some changes when this week we will celebrate the album release of Recovery by Marshall Mathers(Eminem). If you don't already own Relapse, we'll be covering a couple tracks on there as well. If you look into my archives and read the blog from the beginning you will see what this blog is truly about. It's about my struggles before and after rehab and my journey on becoming this new person. You can pretty much see when I am having good times and when I am having bad times. You can also notice my recovery status by the music that is mentioned in my writing. More than anything in the world, sitting in a room with a pen and paper and my music, is usually my favorite place to be. There's something about being alone with your thoughts and just letting yourself actually feel, is something that is very moving. Because as you know, many of us recovering addicts, always want to still be numb and feel nothing.

Tonight I would like to talk about addictions. Addictions that you pick up to make you focus on something that distracts you from whats going on in your real world. Something that makes you forget. Makes you feel that your "new" addictions are all that matter. Something else to completely consume your mind. And the best part is that all of your addiction are in YOUR control. Nobody can mess with them. They are yours and life can't pop in, steal them, wreck them, or ruin them for you. But the addictions can ruin you. They can steal and lie to you, and ultimately kill you. I'm not saying that all addictions are bad because they are not, but nothing should ultimately run your minute to minute thoughts. That's when you know your in a bad place.

Addiction is a chronic relapsing brain disease. Brain imaging shows that addiction severely alters brain areas critical to decision-making, learning and memory, and behavior control, which may help to explain the compulsive and destructive behaviors of addiction. (www.hbo.com/addiction)

*I love/hate this definition. Very true and straight to the point but can also lead those who don't know thinking that people with addictions are uneducated and dumb. Some of my favorite artists, musicians, dancers, actors, therapists, etc. were all addicts and they are some of the most genius individuals in the world. Especially the man we are dedicating this week to.....Marshall Mathers.

What I want to say is that addictions are things you do to avoid or try to numb what is going on with or around you. In the addiction process, or most likely before, you will experience depression. To me, everything stems from a depressive state of mind. You are hurting inside but you found something that numbs it for you. For a while you are fine then it comes on like a lighting bolt and you are a full on addict and what you used to control how you felt now controls you. It's a horrible experience and those who have been through it are really the only ones that understand what it feels like or why you chose that. Addiction is also a disease of the brain where you can see, we'll use alcohol for example, figure #1 have three drinks and stop for the next hour till he goes home, or you can have figure #2 that cannot stop drinking once started and will proceed to drink the entire night.

I'm not going to proceed to write down what substances stood in my way but I will say my best friends don't even know some. And if you look through these writings I bet you can figure out or at least get an idea of some. I'm not ashamed nor am I quiet about everything. But those are my memories and don't really feel like having story time right now. None of this is fun and none of this is easy. It's a horrendous process. The addiction, the rehabilitation, the recovery and all the many "slips" and "relapses" that will come and go throughout this life long battle. For some reason this was given to me and as the old saying goes "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle, but I wish he didn't trust me so much." I will say this much about addicts and that is-We ARE the strong ones and WE are the fighters.

**those who do not know much about the subject please visit www.hbo.com/addiction where you can learn literally everything you've ever wanted to know, print out pages, and even watch documentaries from addicts themselves.
Peace and Love

S