*The following is a brief interview that was given to me by a friend recently. It jumps around and isn't sad but neither happy. It's just a true look into a few outlooks I have as I continue down this road. A couple fun and silly questions answered as well. Enjoy!
If you had to go and get dressed to go out right now, what would you put on?
Today I am feeling a lot of black so I would probably put on my black plain burnout tee, leather shorts-those are great on the ass by the way-, maybe my nude fishnets with the black seams or maybe just no tights, and just really kick ass open toe ankle boots. Yep. that's it. Outfit speaks for itself so no need for make up. Touch of gloss and moisturizer with my hair down and messy looking. Ohh and lots of bracelets. Classic red nails. Yep that's it. Perfect mad, rocker, look to kill! I want to start dating again to and this outfit is a boy magnet. They love my legs!
Are you happy with where you are in your life currently?
That's a difficult one for me to answer right now. Umm. Ok, I'm very blessed. I appreciate everything and everyone who has contributed in my recovery and wake up and be alive. Because for a long time-well I just didn't care anymore. I do have good days and I do have bad days. But mostly my days are a blurry walk through. After rehab I felt really fucking good and now that I'm on 16 months I'm starting to see the truth again.
What do you mean by "seeing the truth again"?
What I am trying to get out is that I don't really 'feel real' anymore. I think the only reason I am still doing well on the depression side of all this is because of the medication. It's like someone stole my emotions. It's this artificial happiness. It looks real to others. You know what I mean? I'm just kinda here right now. I never knew anything but the dark side for 9 years so this is pretty happy to me. I had to learn how to live again after treatment and I'm very very different now. I miss my old self and I miss that. I gave up a lot to get here. And I don't care about the silly things like not drinking alcohol anymore or making sure I eat so and so many calories, or not overdoing it with the sleeping meds. That's all cool. It's the -pause...
It's the what exactly?
The fact that I'm always being watched. And judged. And criticized. I really hate how many times people ask me if I'm Ok, tell me how good I look, or how bad, and basically treat me as I'm this little girl that might break any second. I just want to live my life and I don't want anyone commentating on it. And that's why, just this summer, I started getting weird about who to tell things to and not. I'm just like everyone else and I just as easily mess up like everyone else. I wanna make mistakes and not have to worry about what other people think. That's what I'm having a problem with right now. I don't know who to trust and I feel very artificially happy.
Is there something that allows you to let yourself completely distract from what you are feeling sometimes?
Yes! I forget about absolutely everything when I am in NYC at a show. Mostly musicals. I get very involved and forget about everything around me. And sometimes when I am home alone---omg I am going to sounds soo freaking dorky right now---I will just blast the music*usually Britney, and sing and dance my heart out. Wow okay that's weird cause when I say that I know I actually feel real and a whole different level of happy. I get euphoric! Okay yeah I'm going to have to start doing that daily. I did for a while and stopped. But dancing is what makes me feel alive and have not a care in the world. It was my 1st and only true love and always will be.
You talk a lot in your writing and in person about how powerful music is to you. Why music?
That's quite easy and yes you are correct I do basically live my days to albums. Okay well there are all these musicians and they all get all their shit out through their music. It's very real, very dramatic, very uplifting, horribly sad, and basically there are these lyrics that you can truly put them however you want them. I can't tell you how much time I spend deciphering lyrics. I also write a ton myself. I found 9.....fucking 9......notebooks just laying around my bedroom. Only 2 still had space. Sometimes I will be at a stoplight and no lie, have an entire chorus come into my head. My songs/one liners that need placed somewhere/and so on are kind of on the darker side for the most part. I think thats where the best music lye's.
Do you have a favorite song? Or if not maybe a favorite artist?
Ohh don't worry, I have a favorite song! It 's Nirvana's 'Dumb'. I die for that song. Did you know Kurt wrote that in 5 minutes or something crazy like that. He's a fucking genius. That particular songs lyrics hit me real hard and always have. It's definitely one that people try to decipher differently but to me, Dumb, is now integrated into my life and those words mean more than you would ever know it me. Everyones tried to figure the meaning out. To me it's just showing what a dark place he lives and in the 'light' it maybe be even harder for him. He was also very far into his addiction at this time and you can see that.
Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Seriously? Ha! umm listening to 'Dumb' on the beach? I only do exactly 1 day, sometimes 1 hour at a time right now. I' m not a planner. I'd love to live in Spain for a bit. Ohh and I have to have kids because my mom's a twin as well and my grandma on my dad's side so I'm about 100% having twins.
Let's go back to where we began for a minute and try to get a better feel on you and 16 months out of rehab.
Ok. For the past 16 months all that I can tell you is that it's really hard. It's really hard to walk in my shoes. I became really strong in there though because you well you just have to. You have a nightmare of a schedule, and you go through all these changes-mind,body-spirit-all in the course of a few months. Now that I look back I don't think I could do it again. But yeah I think I have a lot more strength than the average person and could deal with a lot more because this is my life and this is all I've known for so long that nothing frightens me anymore. Depression and addiction aren't to be fucked with but some of us, well thats just the hand we got dealt. Once you've been to those places though there's really not much worse to see. You've been in a 24/7 relationship with your substances so that causes you to withdrawal and isolate then add some damn near hell depression and you basically just wait to die. That simple. So yeah when someones complains about their car or clothes or bank accounts, I just can't even be around that anymore. And I used to be that person!!! But no. No way. I've been to to places I would never wish my worst enemy to have to go. No one should ever have to live in that state of mind, or be blessed with such a bad addictive personality that once is it and you're in love. I'm not complaining though because I'm happy I know whats important and whats not. I have become very humble.
Another reason why you may not want to be looked after and talked about so much?
Yes. Exactly. I'm stronger than most, I'm more intelligent than most, and I know what's important in life because I unfortunately have had to deal with the bigger issues in life at such a young age. There are kids that are stronger than us. Born with horrible illnesses. There are people my age a lot stronger than us, having to go through the rigorous treatment of cancer or leukemia. I think when you have to fight for your life to stay alive and make it through theres just like something in your brain that switches on and really changes you. Ok I can't talk about this anymore. I'm sorry.
Do you have a crush on Eminem? Or what's the deal because you love to write about him?
hahahahaha. Well yes.....we are getting married in November actually. It's going to be grand! hahaha. He is a cutie now though. Never thought that before but I do have a crush right now. Partially because of his past 2 albums. My friend told me to go get Relapse and that was that. I've been hooked ever since. I feel this astronomical attachment to these albums. It's crazy. But they have literally in every way helped me get through this past year. When he describes his depression and his drug addiction it's exactly, down to each word, what it feels like. And this man put it all out there. He's soo brave, ridiculously gifted, and made 2 whole albums for people like me and the many others trying to be strong and survive around the world. He doesn't even know how many people he has helped and touched. If you don't believe me just take a listen to DejaVu. Now if you've never relapsed you will still enjoy it but for those that have it's a step by step account of what happens. Going though Changes is another example that even though your alive and but you have these changes that you have to make in your life that absolutely no one understands. It's really lonely. Umm so anyways yeah if you need me to MC at your next party I can definitely do that. Basically have all the lyrics down pat. I think everyone who reads this has Recovery but just to make sure. GO GET THE DAMN ALBUM! Learn about these diseases so Em can stop feeling awkward and so can I.
No comments:
Post a Comment