And the Next Will Be Revealed

May is Mental Health Month for Mental Health America. There are a lot of things you can do to help other than make donations. My personal way of seeing someone help is when they take the time to learn and understand Depression, especially if you have a family member, friend, or colleague in your life that is suffering. It took my parents over 12 years to finally understand the depths of my illness and they are STILL learning. It's a very hard thing to grasp because you don't want to see anyone in the deep throws of a clinical depression episode. But it's something you have to learn, deal, help, and give hope. So what I wish for this May is for all of my friends and my Dad(who still has a really hard time with it), to take a few extra hours and learn about this subject. It's actually fascinating and highly interesting to see how the brain works differently on each individual human being. Thank You.

"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass," or "it could be worse" -- all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."

"You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you."

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

“Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts”

"A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it."

"Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem."

"In the dark there is no seeing of the light. It eats at you until you feel as though you can no longer walk or breathe. It comes out of no where and there is no control in your mind to save you from these demons. But in the end, after what could be 3 months to many many years, you wake up one day and hope comes through....just when you had given up. The sun shines again, dreams come back in full swing, and you are the strongest person on this earth." -S. Hollock

When you do make it out of a depressive episode, the alive you feel is different than anyone else's. You have been to hell again and somehow you and God found a way to make it back to see the wonderful heavens. If I could have one wish it would be that no one would ever have to go through what I have but in another way I wouldn't have become the person I am and love today. There will be a day when the blackness returns and giving up seems like the best doing, but you have to remember the heavens that you will reach when you wake and see the light again.

Peace&Hope
S
**If anyone has any questions or just absolutely anything they would like to tell me that they have gone through, please feel free to message me. Getting it out helps and finding that person who understands is one in a million. I love you all.

Your Guard is Up, and I Know Why....

I'm home right now in Pittsburgh, PA. Where it is currently(haha j/k, I meant permanently) raining, cold, dark, and dreary. While having a little time to go through my photo albums and boxes of books that couldn't make the move, I pulled out my 12 Step Book. Now not that I believe the 12 Steps work or don't work(I think that is up to you on how you wish to recover), but I do STRONGLY agree in Step 8 and 9! We'll get to that in a minute. I spent over half a year helping someone who used and abused me to death.....okay I'll take away the abuse.....no let's actually keep that in there because you did abuse me in the sense that I was on this earth to help them. Me, being the kind soul I unfortunately am, will basically help absolutely anyone who asks. I've been to hell and back a few times so I know what it's like and you sure do need that shoulder to cry on and a confidant who will never tell your secrets. So there I was helping, worrying, crying when they would disappear to go on a bender for a couple days and not tell me, and pretty much just walked all over. Being the state that they were in, I know from my personal experiences, they did not mean or even know that they were treating me this way. Anyways lets move on.

Back to Step 8 please-make a list of all persons we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all. DING DING DING!!!! Now that your sanity is restored I just have a little question.....where in the world is my letter? I'm completely being real right now and I'm feeling tonight and I want to know where the heck is my letter or my (9.)Direct Amends. Phone call??? And I wouldn't be going through any of this with my readers and the person this is directed to if I didn't have almost the exact same issues. I know we love and care for each other very much soo but when should I start to feel hurt from the lack of acknowledgement? Here's some tips dear on how you can fix this all up!

Dear Sarah,
Thank you for helping me through the worst part of my life and always being there for me. You helped SAVE MY LIFE.
Sincerely,
Blank

Done. Soo easy but I mean I would hope you'd have more to say than that but just that would be kind and recognizing Step 8&9 in the 12 Steps. Or even maybe like a "Thank you for keeping me out of even more trouble I could have got into and for ALWAYS helping me out financially. Ohh and keeping a huge secret that you could only talk to your therapist about." Love, BLANK

Either way done and done. I am soo proud of you and even more proud that you have found happiness. Not a day goes by when you don't run though my mind at one time or another. But this is how I am when I am in this town. Let's just say I am excited to get back to LA because at least there I focus on myself. I live to give others advice on some of the things I have went through, what it takes it pick it all back up, and how to live minute by minute-day by day. But I guess I did something wrong. Yes, I probably babied you too much but hey what else was I supposed to do? You were on a very low maturity level at the time and that's what I thought was best. I HATE tough love so I don't use it.

So my best suggestion is to hull ass to Hallmark, pick up a card and just let me know that you appreciated everything I have done. Your ********* have my address.

That's it. And you know what, I highly doubt I would be even thinking of this if I weren't in pgh. You and I both know how wonderful it is to escape from the past and start fresh. I hope you are somewhere gorgeous and the sun is always shining. Like we had planned before, you know you can always come where I am and stay for a year or two there. You're soo freaking sweet that I cannot be mad. This is more of a protocol thing. You know I don't ever have it in me to be mean to you.

With that all said, I am now going to go watch on Demand my favorite episode of Glee. It's titled Grilled Cheesus. Everyone watch it if you haven't already. It's one of my all time favorite episodes. Okay totally way off the subject there but do watch it! Moving on....

Everyone do not forget to say your prayers and keep your spirituality high. There is never a gift that is as precious as being happy and healthy so for all of you that are please remember that is a true blessing. I know you're there now.

Love & Loyalty

S

Bravery Never Goes Out Of Style

I am very impressed by this adorable young Disney star. Eighteen year old, Demi Lovato, has been very brave and opened up to her fans and viewers about some personal problems she has been facing. Instead of hiding or lying like most, Demi has stepped up and spoke to America about the many issues that are kept hush hush around Hollywood, and hopefully helping those who do keep their problems in the dark be able to open up. Having such a role model will hopefully lead to more young adults stepping up and speaking about the troubles they may be going through and the diseases that are kept quiet.

After all the talk of Catherine Zeta Jones speaking up about being Bipolar, a younger very wise woman followed in her footsteps. Demi Lovato, star of Disney's 'Sonny With A Chance', talked about her recent experience in treatment. Suffering from depression, anorexia, bulimia, and cutting; Demi found out in her latest treatment that she was also Bipolar. Not only does she live with these issues everyday, Demi was one of the bravest 18 year old I know by speaking up about it. It's very hard at that age to talk to others about such topics and with her doing so hopefully more teens and young adults will feel much more ease talking about their own illnesses.

She battled with depression from a very young age along with her love/hate relationship with food. Cutting was also something she did to ease the pain inside. While getting 3 months of in-patient treatment for her eating disorder, she also found out that she suffers from the disease Bipolar. "I never found out until I went into treatment that I was bipolar. Looking back it makes sense. There were times when I was so manic, I was writing seven songs in one night and I'd be up until 5.30 in the morning." Now she is undergoing treatment for her diagnosis and feels that what is most important to her at this time is to help others. She is wise and brave beyond her years. Demi, in my book, is a true superstar in every right!!!

If you are a new reader to "And Who Are You Again", this is first and foremost a place that I created to talk openly about my own disorders and let others come and read and hopefully discuss or write to me in private about the mental diseases they may be facing or have been already diagnosed. After I left treatment two years ago I immediately went into wanting to express myself, my very imperfect self, to people which lead to a lot of readers opening up to me, giving both of us a place to talk and vent. Living with cutting, addiction, eating disorder due to nerves, panic disorder, and being bipolar II, sure isn't easy. But I am very free about it. You can ask me just about anything and I am more than willing to help. This year for my birthday I raised $270 through facebook for the cause "Suicide Prevention and Awareness". That is very dear to my heart with chronic depression being so prevalent in my life. I did not know who Demi Lovato was until yesterday but to me she is a hero for speaking up and helping others be okay with what they may be suffering from. You do not have to have a mental disorder to help either. If you know or have known anyone that is/was ill from a mental disease or even if you do not, you can take the 1st step in gaining knowledge on the subjects and bring awareness to others. Living with these disorders is not a walk in the park and you will, even when in control, have a handful of bad days. On the bright side though you, well I know I did, become VERY VERY strong. I feel as though I can take on anything now from what I have been through beginning at 15. I would love to hear from you if any of you ever need to talk or just get something out. It's no fun living a lie and the first step is admitting you have a problem, which is the most difficult thing you will have to do. Thank you to Demi, Catherine, and the others that are in the spotlight for speaking up and making it a tad easier for others to do so as well.

PEACE & LOVE
S

You're Up Then You're Down

Yesterday it was announced that Catherine Zeta Jones was taking some time off to head to the Psych Ward to get some R&R because her mental disorder was acting up. Catherine suffers from Bipolar disorder. Why did this need to be announced on the National News? Why do people still find mental disorders soo intriguing? If she had announced she was in the hospital due to, say she had Diabetes, none of this would be thrown in our faces over the television and internet. Over the past handful of years we have seen many celebrities in the throws of mental illnesses. And all of it makes more and more interest occur in Americans to sit back and watch. It's a shame and it needs to come to an end.

Over the past year and a half that I have been writing for this blog, I have announced that I suffer from a mental disorder myself. What I have is not anyone's business but let's just say it's pretty similar to what Catherine Zeta Jones has. If you wish to look into that further go ahead. It's not a death trap. It's not a disability. It's something that is very manageable with the correct therapy and medication. I am a completely normal person, as is Catherine Zeta Jones. Did I make the news? Absolutely not. So why are Hollywood hotties such hot topics when they hit a tricky time and have to take some time to get everything back in tact? Or if Lithium is found in Britney Spears purse? It's a disease that medication plays a huge factor, just like making sure you take your insulin when you have diabetes. Below is a lovely list of people you may know that have Bipolar Disorder. In this list you will see that these people have created some of the best work in the world and most are also considered geniuses. As I have said this before, those are more likely to fall into this if they have it in their genetics, very creative souls that use their left side of the brain more than the rational right side, or from experiences in your life. All of these can lead or help bring out Bipolar Disorder. It's not a curse or a case where you can no longer live life as you know it. No, it is not curable but it is treatable and if treated correctly you are likely to lead a wonderful normal life.

A few Celebs that you may know that have Bipolar Disorder

DMX(betcha didn't know that, huh!)

Catherine Zeta Jones

Russell Brand

Mel Gibson

Macy Gray

Ozzy Osbourne

Axl Rose

Pete Wentz

Emilie Autumn

Jim Carey

Ben Stiller

Jimi Hendrix

Britney Spears

Jean-Claude Van Damme

Mel Gibson

Sting

Along wth Many More

......and others who have been unofficially diagnosed but display clear symptoms and actions of Bipolar persona's: Eminem, Kurt Cobain, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, etc.

Mental Disorders need just the same care as psychical disorders and are NOTHING to be ashamed of but should not receive all the extra attention that they do. We are normal people with normal lives and treat the disease just as you would treat any disease. No pity needed and this should not be making national news. To all of my peeps out there just like me, just want to say I know and we can do this! xoxoxo

*I am not saying by any means that this is an easy disease to live with. I live it everyday and curse about it! It takes a lot of courage and hope just as any other physical or mental disease, but it is manageable.

Please watch this small excerpt on Britney and how Dr. Phil says how great shes doing. I just love it!

http://perezhilton.com/2011-04-01-dr-drew-talks-about-britney-spears

P&L

S

Like What the Hell Was I Thinking?

Most of us are not perfect children. Actually I'm sure none of us are but some us do cause a little more pain and drama to our parents and family than others. For those of you that are coming from this place and have been through some very serious matters, this is for you.

Last week around this time one of my very dear friends made a point of it to really reach out and thank his parents for being there by his side after all the pain and fear he has caused him. And he reminded me that I should do the same. I followed and thanked my parents for the unconditional love they give me, no matter what the situation I may be going through. It's really hard for me to do this sometimes because I usually begin to cry. I just feel so blessed and lucky to have made it through to be able to tell my parents I love them each day. I, along with a few of my friends, are truly very lucky to be alive. There is a point though where where we get fed up with the need to walk on stones around our parents and having them watch you like a hawk at all times. Even if you are a thousand miles away. This comes from fear. From the time where they lied awake not knowing what tomorrow would bring for their dear child. Would they be sad, would tomorrow be the day that they overdose, and why and how did this happen to their child? I am trying to understand my parents better and the constant watching and worrying even though I am currently doing very well(so well that it scares me at times and I have to pinch myself). Now when you are in this mist of a mess, I do and can see where they are coming from. Sometimes though all the love and worry turns into screaming matches and "I hate yous". This solves nothing but when in a bad place you are soo beyond gone that you don't know what to do, what to say, where to turn, and express most of it all through anger. And who does this anger get taken out on the most......those that you love and care about. I've taken a lot just from helping a couple friends and seeing their attitudes and moods being extremely negative and almost mean at times. It's not meant to be towards us but you are soo aggitated and lost you lose control. I can handle this because I've been there. But most of our parents have not. This is where we need to come up with a solution between the one at risk and the close family and friends. Do you have any solutions that have worked best for you in these times? I am still trying to find a way to be rational when things are brought up. My two dear friends that are having a hard time right now use screaming matches as a way of coping. We know it's not the right thing but when put on the spot that is just whats going to happen. I tried to find further information on this problem involving communication.

As you can see by watching Intervention or Celebrity Rehab or by just reading the Rolling Stone article with Eminem that I wrote about last evening; You will see that when in rehab, while on drugs, while dealing with depression and anxiety, that you are sooooo far out that you are just a shell of yourself at the time. You're angry. Who wants to be a prisoner to a substance or wake up everyday hoping today may be the day you die? Nobody and unless you have been there it's actually truly impossible to explain. Our parents try soo hard and they go to classes and try to learn about these diseases and basically do EVERYTHING in their power to try to understand. But it's something that you cannot understand no matter how much you study or how much we try to tell you how we feel. It's not like cancer where you know what is going on and what is or may happen. This is a lifetime disease and the days are unknown. I wake up and wonder why I am still doing ok. That's how scared I am from the fact that I know one of these days I will most likely face that nightmare again. Parents don't get that so even when you are having really great days you can within 24 hours be having a bad day where you want to give up or turn to a substance.

A great observation of this is shown through the documentary, Britney: For the Record. This documentary was filmed about 8 months after Britney had her last stay at the hospital and in the film, Britney, and her father show the pain that Britney's disorder have affected her and her family. The worst part of Britney's case though is that she still, after 3 entire years in January, is still under a conservatorship through her father which basically allows her to have enough freedom of those at age 17. This is a great film to watch when you feel like you have to hard from your parents and life in general. And even though Britney states a couple times that everything could have been/be a lot worse that can happen and how grateful she is to be alive, she is basically a prisoner to the law. At the time this was filmed, Britney was not even allowed to drive as one of the laws that her father made. Can you imagine not being able to get in your car and drive? Her father loves her and you can see that a lot. A couple times in the film, Jamie(Brit's dad), begins to cry just by looking at Britney or seeing her smile. Both my mother and father have done this from time to time since I have been well. It's tears of joy and tears just for the fact that we are alive. Yesterday afternoon I had to drive my Dad to get his car and I was singing Taylor Swift really loud and obnoxiously and he began to cry. It saddens me that I've caused them so much fear and pain that they cry when they see me happy and safe because they thought they may never see that again. In Britney's situation she doesn't have someone just asking her 20 questions a day, she is actually under law by her parents. She gets an allowance, told what she can do and with whom, and is NOT going to get better if this keeps going on. I mean what the hell do her medical records say that is soo awful that she must be under lock and key by her father who was a raging alcoholic and did not treat her mother or her brother and sister well throughout.....well actually just about up until 4-5 years ago when he was able to finally get clean. I watch the news and see these addicts with mental problems robbing and raping and they don't seem to get it as bad. The law is awful and you're definitely not treated like a person but rather a number that is soo diseased that it should have no right to have any say. "I just cope with it every day....It's better not to feel anything at all and have hope than to feel the other way . . . It's bad. I'm sad." Does anybody know why she's still under this conservatorship? Can you imagine being 29 years old and not be able to make your own decisions? This is what I call an EXTREME way to parents a child with medical disorders. It's just not right.

So as much as I get annoyed, and my dear friends get annoyed we must remember there are people going through the same things we are. And what it's called is love. Whether it's screaming, threatening to do something, or giving you the "where, who, how long, what ya doing?", we need to understand that our parents are just as scared, if not more, then we are. And if you haven't seen this Documentary, I highly recommend it. It's a very sad insight on a girl who would do anything to just be normal and has lost control of her life. It brings you back down to earth in a big way.

Here's a little sneak peak



Peace & Love
S

Going Through Peaks and Valleys, Dilly Dallying

I'm sorry but what I had planned for tonight I cannot finish due to me just having a plan out bad day. We all get them but mine are just a little more complicated as most of you know by now. But I do not want anyone's pity but would like to get some understanding so once again I'll please ask you to, if you haven't already, learn about something this week that you don't know about or feel as though you do but you really don't. Discrimination, Gay Rights, Panic Disorder, Addiction, Hate Crimes. And as always, please remember that "And Who Are You Again?" is a judge free place to come and read away and ask questions about whatever you'd like to me. I have, over the past 1 1/2, dedicated myself to always trying to help at least one other person with whatever kind of demon they are battling, each and everyday. Love you all. It's for all of us when we are having our "Britney" moments!









So I had a really shitty day. I woke up at 7am drenched in sweat with a nasty panic attack. It was one of the worst ones that I have had in quite sometime. I have no idea why or what made it come about but it's just another disorder I've been battling since I was 21. I've accepted it as a part of my daily life and take the steps and measures to keep them on the low and stable. But until this evening this fucking panic attack wasn't coming to an end. Although I am still shaky and feel numbness in my back, I am beginning to feel better and with these few steps I'll teach you how to deal with anxiety or full blown panic attacks for you to have a better understanding and to get through them.







Rule #1 You're Not Going To Die (it's the automatic common response since your body goes directly into fight or flight mode)







Rule#2 Breathe as deep and as much as you can. Try to close your eyes and realize what is happening is something that you've dealt with hundreds of times before. You can get through this.







Rule#3 Don't start popping the Klonopin/Valium immediately. Use your exercises you were taught through your psychiatrist, therapist, theories your fellow friends that suffer as well believe to work, and just keep breathing. The only one that works for me is the breathing one and sometimes that doesn't even work so I just have to get through the day minute by minute, hour by hour. It's my life. I'm used to it.







Rule#4 Do not sit and stare at a wall all day thinking about it. You will not improve by any means. Let out a good cry(they are very scary), call your best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend, and try to eat something even though you feel like you are going to throw up.







Rule#5 Help someone else is is a little worse off then you today. It will give you something to focus on and helping out another friend in need that is going through something as well, always feels rewarding and comforting. (this is when I slightly started to feel better today)







Rule#6 If you've been to Rehab or Outpatient or maybe you know someone who knows exactly how you feel because they've been there. Get it out and talk. I have 2 very important people in my life, one who I met in rehab, and another that has been a good friend of mine for years and has been in rehab and through all of this as well. Call one and get it all out. As much as we LOVEEEE our BFF's and as much as they try to understand, sometimes it will rather harm us then help us to put everything on them when they are not fully educated, even though I know they try their hardest.







Rule#7 Go through all the shit that NO ONE gets, what your feeling, why can't you pinpoint why you are feeling this way, laugh about old terror stories of past, get it out how much you would like for someone to really just live in your life for 24 hours, just for that one day, one how much they could learn about you and how getting through the day is a process, not a simple task. I did this in a 3 hour convo with my closest friend from rehab. We both felt unbelievably better after this!







Rule#8 Feel blessed and thankful for what you have been given. God only gives us as much as we can handle and builds us strength. In the long run, everyone suffers from something, whether they let it be known or not. Stay strong. Be a role model. I would never be who I am today without everything I've been though. I see people and life in a whole different spectrum and accept everyone as who they are. Never judge.







Rule#9 Through drugs and alcohol may seem like the best instant treatment, it's not in the long run. Try as hard as you can to stay away from popping those extra pills or drinks you may have used to use to get by. I am currently sober and have been for the better part of the last 10 months. It's been the best thing I have ever done. Ever. But yes at this time you can take your Klonopin/Valium/Xanax....whatever your are prescribed from your doctor for your disorder. Keep it at your regular dose. If you truly need the medicine, tripling your dosage isn't going to do a thing because you actually need it. You will not get a high.







Rule#10 Pop in the Album that comforts you most in this situation. Tonight, da da dada.......it's Eminem!!!! HUGE surprise I know but my Doody comforts me more than anyone in these times. His albums speak to me in large volumes and no one can replace him in my eyes for being my role model through the addictions, depression, the anxiety, and well you just gotta listen to him. I also though consider myself a huge role model to myself. I've been doing pretty fucking good. Mishaps happen. It's life.











Always believe and have hope. You can get through this. Sometimes there are long detours and sometimes you can find instant relief. Just find whats best for you. I've been dealing with all this since I was 16 and still have no permanent solutions to any of it. I wish I did. Keep the faith <3







P&L

S

It's A Little Too Late

The rainbow flag, sometimes called 'the freedom flag', was popularized as a symbol of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) pride and diversity by San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker in 1978. The different colors symbolize diversity in the gay community, and the flag is used predominantly at gay pride events and in gay villages worldwide in various forms including banners, clothing and jewelry. For the 25th Anniversary of the Stonewall riots, held in 1994 in New York city, a mile-long rainbow flag was created and post-parade cut up in sections that have since been used around the world. Originally created with eight colors, pink and turquoise were removed for production purposes and as of 2008, it consists of six colored stripes, which should always be displayed with red on top or to left. It is most commonly flown with the red stripe on top, as the colors appear in a natural rainbow.[11] Aside from the obvious symbolism of a mixed LGBT community, the colors were designed to symbolize: red (life), orange (healing), yellow (sunlight), green (nature), blue (harmony), and purple/violet (spirit). The removed colors stood for sex (pink) and art/magic (turquoise). Another presumed origin is the song Over the Rainbow, synonymous with gay icon Judy Garland, whose film The Wizard of Oz has often been interpreted as an allegory of gay coming out.(wiki)

For my birthday wish this year on my facbook was the wish was to raise $250 for the cause that affects me the most and the cause I really wish others would bring more attention to because of how much it has affected my life and so many others as well. I ended up raising $290 dollars for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It was the absolute best birthday present. Knowing that all my friends and family donated to this charity for me and the others who suffer from thoughts of suicide, and just the gift of giving was enough to fulfill me for a while. I suggest it to everybody. Now for that wish I also had to write a very heartfelt letter that neither of my parents can bring themselves to read but I'm proud of it and would like to post it here in honor of those we have lost over the past few weeks:
I would love if my friends and family and for any of those lurking in the dark to be able to fully educate themselves when a family member or loved one becomes majorly depressed and suicidal. It's starting to get more awareness which is just wonderful. I have suffered through 4, six month or over battles with major depression starting at 15, with the last one leaving me hospitalized. Weirdly enough I can't describe it, I'm crying a ton right now, but all I know is that I did not want to live or feel the right to live. It also leads to self medicating such as drugs and alcohol so at least you can feel a false high. It's a horrible disease and no one really knows what a day in my life is like. Nor can I explain. I will let you know that I've been doing well enough that I have not thought of suicide in over a year, so that's a huge accomplishment! But I also recognise I have a disease and one day I will relapse; Either 6 months or 30 years down the road. I am just VERY happy to be HAPPY and ALIVE today! Thanks! xoxo
-I'd also like to dedicate this to Scott Connors who passed away six years ago to suicide. We all miss you Scott and I love you dearly Mr. & Mrs Connors! And I love little Allison for getting through this day by day. You are my role model. xoxo

As you all know, and for the new users who may have not gotten to read all the blogs yet, "And Who Are You Again" is a blog for those to come to laugh, hear amazing music, but most importantly hear me talk openly about my struggles though life and day to day. Using this method of 'getting it all out to people' really is the only thing that been able to help me and I get a lot of letters saying that I helped them as well. It's very rewarding even though sometimes I just want to keep some things to myself but it seems those are the things that bring the readers in and feel comfortable with telling me things and asking me questions. It took me 28 years to be this confident in myself and my being to be able to my depression, my scares with suicide, my panic, and what worked and what didn't in this lifelong process of recovery.

Tonight though I would like to focus on Billy Lucas(15), Tyler Clementi(18), Seth Walsh(13), Raymond Chase(19), and Asher Brown(13). All of these wonderful teenage boys had a few things in common-they were bright young boys who were bullied and teased to the point they felt they had nothing left to live for because their sexuality and chose to end their lives way to soon. This subject hits very close to home and I give my deepest sympathies to all of the families and loves ones in their lives. God Bless.

Now when I say it hits really close to home, all I am trying to say is that I've been in a 13 battle with my suicide genes and I KNOW the exact way this feels and how dying is the only option out. I do not know what it is like to be gay and outed, teased, bullied, criticized, and in hiding. I can't even imagine. NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO HIDE WHO THEY ARE! We are all the same inside-color, sexuality, everything! We're all in this life together so please the next time you think of making a joke about someone please realize that you don't know ANYTHING about what the person may have going on inside and if that was the last joke to put them over the edge.

I never experienced these issues in this depth. Fortunately I was blessed to go to the Performing Arts schools starting at 11 years old, so to me being gay was absolutely no different. I am sooo blessed to have that background because some grew up without knowing anything of different sexualities or race. My schools were 50% white & 50% black. Also, I NEVER saw a difference in any of this. To me, these people were all just the greatest friends ever. I had just finished an episode of Chelsey Handler where Taye Diggs where she asked him how it was growing up and being so f'ing talented and the bullying. Taye stated that he had no harm growing up because he was schooled at performing art schools and "Everyone was cool. If you were talented then that was that. You know it was really awesome to take a lot of dance classes. It was that kind of place!" Unfortunately though some don't get to grow up in a bubble of the arts and have to experience real life very early on. Gay guys always make the best Pas De Deux class partners(Love you, you know who!!!). I later on did attend a "normal" high school and that was a horrible experience. I was always made fun of for hanging out with my drama club friends over my "cool kid" friends at my "normal" school. I never talked about anyone so I just really didn't fit in with the mean girls. By the middle of the year I was friends with everyone in the school and that's basically how I have been my whole life. Yeah I got made fun of for always being at voice, acting, rehearsal, whatever.......but when the shows started I got nothing but praised by my "cool kid" crowd. BE WHO YOU ARE!!!! NO MATTER WHAT! LOVE YOURSELF!

I don't know if its better to grow up in the bubble or not because at one point you do see and will experience the hatred of the world but it does build you strength to know that there are kids out there just like you when you get to real life and start getting stabbed in the back. And I hate to say it but believe it or not, the bullying never stops. I just noticed someone took the time to sign up for a google blog account just so they could put a rude comment on one of my writing........like seriously people??? Just always remember though that those who talk, bully, make fun, make rumors, and put down others down have zero confidence, get high off making others feel bad, and show complete ignorance, stupidity, and self loathing in their own guilt and terror. If anything....just feel bad for these people and keep being kind and who you are because one day they will be looking up to you. And those who still continue to bother me, keep bringing it. Karma's a Bitch!


And here from the National Broadway Cast of Wicked.....It's Gets Better.


Peace and LOVEEEEEE,LOVE,LOTS OF LOVEEEEEE
Sarah

I Heard He Sang A Good Song

*The following is a brief interview that was given to me by a friend recently. It jumps around and isn't sad but neither happy. It's just a true look into a few outlooks I have as I continue down this road. A couple fun and silly questions answered as well. Enjoy!

If you had to go and get dressed to go out right now, what would you put on?

Today I am feeling a lot of black so I would probably put on my black plain burnout tee, leather shorts-those are great on the ass by the way-, maybe my nude fishnets with the black seams or maybe just no tights, and just really kick ass open toe ankle boots. Yep. that's it. Outfit speaks for itself so no need for make up. Touch of gloss and moisturizer with my hair down and messy looking. Ohh and lots of bracelets. Classic red nails. Yep that's it. Perfect mad, rocker, look to kill! I want to start dating again to and this outfit is a boy magnet. They love my legs!

Are you happy with where you are in your life currently?

That's a difficult one for me to answer right now. Umm. Ok, I'm very blessed. I appreciate everything and everyone who has contributed in my recovery and wake up and be alive. Because for a long time-well I just didn't care anymore. I do have good days and I do have bad days. But mostly my days are a blurry walk through. After rehab I felt really fucking good and now that I'm on 16 months I'm starting to see the truth again.

What do you mean by "seeing the truth again"?

What I am trying to get out is that I don't really 'feel real' anymore. I think the only reason I am still doing well on the depression side of all this is because of the medication. It's like someone stole my emotions. It's this artificial happiness. It looks real to others. You know what I mean? I'm just kinda here right now. I never knew anything but the dark side for 9 years so this is pretty happy to me. I had to learn how to live again after treatment and I'm very very different now. I miss my old self and I miss that. I gave up a lot to get here. And I don't care about the silly things like not drinking alcohol anymore or making sure I eat so and so many calories, or not overdoing it with the sleeping meds. That's all cool. It's the -pause...

It's the what exactly?

The fact that I'm always being watched. And judged. And criticized. I really hate how many times people ask me if I'm Ok, tell me how good I look, or how bad, and basically treat me as I'm this little girl that might break any second. I just want to live my life and I don't want anyone commentating on it. And that's why, just this summer, I started getting weird about who to tell things to and not. I'm just like everyone else and I just as easily mess up like everyone else. I wanna make mistakes and not have to worry about what other people think. That's what I'm having a problem with right now. I don't know who to trust and I feel very artificially happy.

Is there something that allows you to let yourself completely distract from what you are feeling sometimes?

Yes! I forget about absolutely everything when I am in NYC at a show. Mostly musicals. I get very involved and forget about everything around me. And sometimes when I am home alone---omg I am going to sounds soo freaking dorky right now---I will just blast the music*usually Britney, and sing and dance my heart out. Wow okay that's weird cause when I say that I know I actually feel real and a whole different level of happy. I get euphoric! Okay yeah I'm going to have to start doing that daily. I did for a while and stopped. But dancing is what makes me feel alive and have not a care in the world. It was my 1st and only true love and always will be.

You talk a lot in your writing and in person about how powerful music is to you. Why music?

That's quite easy and yes you are correct I do basically live my days to albums. Okay well there are all these musicians and they all get all their shit out through their music. It's very real, very dramatic, very uplifting, horribly sad, and basically there are these lyrics that you can truly put them however you want them. I can't tell you how much time I spend deciphering lyrics. I also write a ton myself. I found 9.....fucking 9......notebooks just laying around my bedroom. Only 2 still had space. Sometimes I will be at a stoplight and no lie, have an entire chorus come into my head. My songs/one liners that need placed somewhere/and so on are kind of on the darker side for the most part. I think thats where the best music lye's.

Do you have a favorite song? Or if not maybe a favorite artist?

Ohh don't worry, I have a favorite song! It 's Nirvana's 'Dumb'. I die for that song. Did you know Kurt wrote that in 5 minutes or something crazy like that. He's a fucking genius. That particular songs lyrics hit me real hard and always have. It's definitely one that people try to decipher differently but to me, Dumb, is now integrated into my life and those words mean more than you would ever know it me. Everyones tried to figure the meaning out. To me it's just showing what a dark place he lives and in the 'light' it maybe be even harder for him. He was also very far into his addiction at this time and you can see that.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

Seriously? Ha! umm listening to 'Dumb' on the beach? I only do exactly 1 day, sometimes 1 hour at a time right now. I' m not a planner. I'd love to live in Spain for a bit. Ohh and I have to have kids because my mom's a twin as well and my grandma on my dad's side so I'm about 100% having twins.

Let's go back to where we began for a minute and try to get a better feel on you and 16 months out of rehab.

Ok. For the past 16 months all that I can tell you is that it's really hard. It's really hard to walk in my shoes. I became really strong in there though because you well you just have to. You have a nightmare of a schedule, and you go through all these changes-mind,body-spirit-all in the course of a few months. Now that I look back I don't think I could do it again. But yeah I think I have a lot more strength than the average person and could deal with a lot more because this is my life and this is all I've known for so long that nothing frightens me anymore. Depression and addiction aren't to be fucked with but some of us, well thats just the hand we got dealt. Once you've been to those places though there's really not much worse to see. You've been in a 24/7 relationship with your substances so that causes you to withdrawal and isolate then add some damn near hell depression and you basically just wait to die. That simple. So yeah when someones complains about their car or clothes or bank accounts, I just can't even be around that anymore. And I used to be that person!!! But no. No way. I've been to to places I would never wish my worst enemy to have to go. No one should ever have to live in that state of mind, or be blessed with such a bad addictive personality that once is it and you're in love. I'm not complaining though because I'm happy I know whats important and whats not. I have become very humble.

Another reason why you may not want to be looked after and talked about so much?

Yes. Exactly. I'm stronger than most, I'm more intelligent than most, and I know what's important in life because I unfortunately have had to deal with the bigger issues in life at such a young age. There are kids that are stronger than us. Born with horrible illnesses. There are people my age a lot stronger than us, having to go through the rigorous treatment of cancer or leukemia. I think when you have to fight for your life to stay alive and make it through theres just like something in your brain that switches on and really changes you. Ok I can't talk about this anymore. I'm sorry.

Do you have a crush on Eminem? Or what's the deal because you love to write about him?

hahahahaha. Well yes.....we are getting married in November actually. It's going to be grand! hahaha. He is a cutie now though. Never thought that before but I do have a crush right now. Partially because of his past 2 albums. My friend told me to go get Relapse and that was that. I've been hooked ever since. I feel this astronomical attachment to these albums. It's crazy. But they have literally in every way helped me get through this past year. When he describes his depression and his drug addiction it's exactly, down to each word, what it feels like. And this man put it all out there. He's soo brave, ridiculously gifted, and made 2 whole albums for people like me and the many others trying to be strong and survive around the world. He doesn't even know how many people he has helped and touched. If you don't believe me just take a listen to DejaVu. Now if you've never relapsed you will still enjoy it but for those that have it's a step by step account of what happens. Going though Changes is another example that even though your alive and but you have these changes that you have to make in your life that absolutely no one understands. It's really lonely. Umm so anyways yeah if you need me to MC at your next party I can definitely do that. Basically have all the lyrics down pat. I think everyone who reads this has Recovery but just to make sure. GO GET THE DAMN ALBUM! Learn about these diseases so Em can stop feeling awkward and so can I.

We're in Recovery Yo Part II

As one of my favorite friends once said about rehab centers and hospitals, "So was everyone like real fucked in the head there? Pretty crazy? Ohh good cause I feel much more relaxed around those I can relate to." And why do you think Eminem is so relatable? Because he's always been "out there", never held one thought back, rhymed about topics that were never thought to be talked about, and now he comes to us with an insane, truthful, honest account of his way through the darkness of depression, drug abuse, and hopelessness; Only to show us that it can be done, even though it may be the most difficult thing you do, and he's there with these two albums, his interviews, and his strength to help current and recovering addicts stay strong. I think what he did is heroic in a sense. And I'm sure those who have "been there" are there with me on that.



THIS ALBUM IS DEDICATED 2 ANYONE WHO'S IN A DARK PLACE
TRYIN' 2 GET OUT, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP....
IT DOES GET BETTER!-recovery 2010

I did a lot of research on Eminem lately because I won't act like I was a huge fan cause I wasn't and I wanted to write these pieces about him with full knowledge, and love. I respected him as a musician and especially as a lyricist but his name would never pop out when asked what my favorite music was as it would today. Chronic and Chronic 2001 were my rap albums and Snoop and Dre, to me, were like gods to me.(still are) Eminem's 1st album came out the same year as Britney. All the boys would rap Em all day and all the girls would sing Brit. hahaha. Then 1 song really captured my attention and that was Stan which I consider to be one of the best pieces of work done by an artist ever. But other than that, yes I enjoyed dancing to his music in bars or listen to while driving, but nothing too crazy. Now skip 10 years later and a recent trip to rehab, I was introduced to him again. My friend is insanely obsessed with Eminem. Almost equal to my obsession to Britney. So when he told me to go get this album I put it off for a while. My friend and I both had both gotten out of rehab about umm 1 & 1/4 years ago if you want to round it. He's got like 6 months on me. But he started to tell me what Eminem was going through and it hit me soo hard I went out and got Relapse that day.

I REALLY REALLY dislike when people have neg. feelings about that album. Or even when Eminem says it is "ehh". Relapse helped me in soo many ways that I cannot even count! And I know that Em knows that putting Relapse out there like that did help people and even saved a lot of lives. Relapse as a whole is just insane. Insanely amazing! He uses this magnificent other voice as this crazy serial killer and rappist then went into intense songs about getting better or maybe getting worse again. I can see how people wouldn't see this as their favorite Emimen album but to me and all the others trying to get better, trying to get out of the dark, falling back into your cycle, and just trying to understand what the F is going on with you......well then this album will speak the world to you. To me, this album got to me just when I needed it. Besides my friend, I truly didn't have anyone else who understood how hard this all was. How my life changed overnight. I was lost and had trouble figuring out who the hell I was supposed to be now? No ones perfect and I think that was a completely normal reaction to what I had been through. Eminem states in a recent interview that "if I didn't have pills to fall back on, I would have been a full blown alcoholic for sure." I had and knew the same issue well. So in the recovery process down the road, I began on my mission to quit drinking and am actually enjoying it. Relapse touches on his alcohol abuse and not anywhere near his issues with a few certain pharmacutical drugs imparticular; Valium, Ambien, and Vicoden.

Another statement/which is actually a fact, that Em brought up in an interview was "The more depressed I got the more drugs I took, and the more drugs I took the more depressed I got." Yep, pretty much how that works. Uhh to all my friends who read this might sounds a tad familiar. All of this started with a sleeping problem that he had had developed. He began taking ambien. After the ambien combined with his large NyQuil addiction, started to not work he started using Valium. Now after a while that didn't work so he started taking Vicoden. He stuck with that mixture for a while. I won't comment on those 3 drugs and the OTC bottles of NyQuil but I will say I developed a serious case of insomnia in '07 that no matter what, and I mean no matter what I took, no matter what combo I tried; I never was able to sleep. I actually will say that this was one of the worst periods in my life. I finally went and got help and haven't had it back again until currently. It's my life and I just deal. I can date back to starting at about 15 years old getting bouts of Insomnia. It feels like you are starting to lose your mind when you go for months on only about 2 hours of sleep a day. (my doctor gave me whatever I wanted cause she felt so bad but I got nothing out of it but an addiction to xanax) You just want to sleep. Even for one night. And the sleep never comes. Someone who was suffering from insomnia wasn't that lucky and took just about what I was taking at the time but add in an oxy. Heath Ledger never woke up. That was a huge wake up call for me. Right around the same time, Marshall Mathers OD'd as well but was found in time and saved.

Eminem didn't OD on his ambien, vics, or benzos alone but actually something else he was given after being told the drug was just like a vic. And it truly blows what happened but you know how somethings happen for a reason.......well I kinda wanna say that if he didn't have this horrific experience, well then the world still might not have him and his wonderful talent back yet.
See me and you we almost had the same outcome Heath
Cuz that christmas you know the pneumonia thing
It was bolognya was it the methadone ya think? -deja vu

"Don't let em' say you ain't beautiful, They can all get fucked just stay true to you"-beautiful

Peace & Love
S

"So dark and so cold, my friends dont know this other side of me. There's a monster inside of me that's quite ugly, it's frightening me!" -stay wide awake

You scream "someone save me"......

.....but they don't pay no mind, Goodbye.

I appreciate ALL music but I just wanted to give a shout out to someone who is not only helping me but I'm sure helping MILLIONS for the recent music he has put out over the last year and a new album "Recovery" coming out in June. It's funny how I bought this CD but one of my good guy friends who is also in recovery kept talking about it. I didn't think a thing because the kid loves Eminem as much as I love Britney. Truth. But I said F it one day while in Best Buy and picked up a copy. I came home and listened to the entire 20 track album. Ay 1st I found it a bit fucked up. Actually there are still songs I don't listen to. But my friend told me which tracks to focus on so I listened to those over again and again and again and here I am in May still talking about this album like I just bought it when in reality I've had it since early fall.

If you have been through some shit or you haven't this is still an amazing album. If you have been in the dark, blocked in by depression, addiction, and feel like you can't get yourself up again, you will honestly think think some of these tracks or even just pieces of lyrics are for you. I was talking to Allison last night and although she doesn't have "Relapse" she had listened to a couple tracks before and it was frightening how much she could relate. Below are the lyrics to one of my favorite peices. It's track 16, into on 15. It's about slipping up just a little and how quickly it turns into a relapse. I don't think anyone could have put it into words better than Eminem on what it's like. Because this is it. Period. Step by step.

Deja Vu

As I fall deeper into a manic state,
I'm a prime candidate for the gene to receive the drug addict trait.
Blood pressure climbs at a dramatic rate,
I seem to gravitate to the bottle of NyQuil then I salivate.
Start off with the NyQuil like 'I think I'll just have a taste'.
Couple of sips of that then I gradually graduate,
to a harder prescription drug called Valium like yeah that's great.
I go to take just one and I end up like having eight.
Now I need something in my stomach cuz I haven't ate.
Maybe I'll grab a plate of nachos and I'll have a steak.
And you'd think that with all I have at stake,
Look at my daughters face...
'Mommy somethings is wrong with dad I think!
He's acting weird again, he's really beginning to scare me.
Wont shave his beard again and he pretends he doesn't hear me.
And all he does is eat Doritos and Cheetos,
and he just fell asleep in his car eating three musketeers in the rear seat'.

Sometimes I feel so alone,
I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.
So lonely and cold, it's like something takes over me,
soon as I go home and close the door.
Kinda feels like Deja Vu, I wanna get away from this place I do,
but I can't and I wont say I tried but I know that's a lie cuz I don't,
and why, I just don't know.....

Maybe just a nice cold brew, what's a beer?
That's the devil in my ear I been sober a fuckin' year.
And that fucker still talks to me, he's all I can fuckin hear,
'Marshall come on we'll watch the game it's the Cowboys and Buccaneers'.
And maybe if I just drink half I'll be half buzzed for half of the time.
Who's that mastermind behind that little line?
With that kind of rational man I got half a mind,
to have another half of glass of wine sounds asinine, yeah I know.
But I never had no problem with alcohol.
Ouch look out for the wall aim for the couch I'm about to fall.
I missed the couch and down I go looking like a bouncing ball.
Shit must have knocked me out cuz I didn't feel the ground at all
Wow what the fuck happened last night? Where am I?
Man, fuck am I hungover, and god damn i got a head ache.
Shit half a vicodin why cant I?
'All systems ready for take off please stand by'.

Sometimes I feel so alone,
I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.
So lonely and cold, It's like something takes over me,
soon as I go home and close the door.
Kinda feels like Deja Vu, I wanna get away from this place I do,
but I cant and I won't say I tried but I know that's a lie, and why, I don't know...

So I take a Vicodin splash it hits my stomach and ahh.
A couple weeks go by it aint even like im getting high.
Now I need it just not to feel sick, yeah im getting by.
Wouldn't even be taking this shit if DeShaun didn't die.
Oh ya there's an excuse you lose Proof so you use.
There's new rules it's cool if it's helping you to get through.
It's twelve noon aint no harm in self inducing a snooze.
What else is new? Fuck it what would Elvis do in your shoes?
Now here I am three months later, full blown relapse,
'Just get high until the kids get home from school holmes, relax'.
And since im convinced that I'm insomniac,
I need these pills to be able to sleep, so I take three naps,
just to be able to function throughout the day let's see
that's an Ambien each nap, how many Valium? Three.
And that will average out to about one good hours sleep.
Ok so now you see the reason how come he
has taken four years just too put out an album B.
See me and you we almost had the same outcome Heath,
cuz that Christmas you know the Pneumonia thing?
It was bologna, was it the Methadone ya think?
Or the Hydrocodone, you hide inside your pornos?
Your VCR tape cases with your Ambien CR, great places to hide ain't it?
So you can lie to Haley, I'm going beddy bye Whitney baby good night Elaina.
Go in the room and shut the bedroom door and wake up in an ambulance
They said they found me on the bathroom floor, damn!

Highlighted Sections-true, true, true, true. Whole track true but this is a line here is a line that plays in my head over and over......."I wanna get away from this place I do, but I cant and I won't say I try but I know that's a lie cuz I don't, and why, I just dont know....."

You go ahead and think about that line there. Sometimes you have to to to see what it would be like if this were you. But if you haven't there is no way to teach it and it's hard for outsiders to understand.

Peace & Love -S

Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds

Recently I have added a few links to the right of the page for my favorite foundations and associations. These causes to me are ones that have affected my life and those around me. I have also noticed that many are not fully educated on the disorders, what you can do to help, warning signs, and most importantly to create the courage, if you are suffering, to be strong and go get help. And I am ALWAYS here if anyone needs to speak with me on these issues. I feel like a doctor sometimes I've been through so much and know everything about the diseases I live with.

Getting started I have two amazing sites dealing with depression, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and To Write Love on Her Arms. Beginning with AFSP you will learn about suicide, why it occurs, how to recover from a loved one lost to suicide, and how to donate and help. This is a very sketchy subject. If you haven't been there or you don't have a loved one that's been there then it is sometimes VERY hard to understand. But it's real and the feelings of wanting nothing more than to not live anymore, are no joke. When I go through suicidal states(lets hope I don't ever again), it's a feeling and condition your are in that you cannot get out of.

To Write Love on Her Arms is my absolute favorite organization. They have a huge fan base on facebook and ALWAYS have people to talk to that you can speak with if you are having a tough time. It's also amazing because TWLOHA doesn't focus on one disorder alone. If you notice, say by just knowing someone or watching celebrity rehab or intervention, you will see that one disorder starts the whole chain that links your depression(schizophrenia, bi-polar disease, eating disorder, etc. with your self injury(such as cutting), to your substance abuse, to your thoughts of suicide, to ect. It's to give you hope and connect with others. TWLOHA tours year round to speak in many different cities about their mission and let you know you are not alone!

Human Rights Campaign really needs no introduction. This is highly important to me and I hope to you too. We are all different, we are all beautiful, and we all love. HRC is a huge organization that concentrates on having a nation where lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people are ensured equality and embraced as full members of the American family at home, at work and in every community. This slowly beginning to change in some areas but there is still soo much knowledge we need to bring to people. This is one of the reason I loved Cali. Everyone was free out there. Free of judgement, free of hurt.

The National Institute on Drug Abuse is a great organization for educating yourself whether you need help, someone you know, or you would like just to deepen your education on the subject. Substance abuse is fucked up. Really fucked up. And the worst part is sometimes you just can't quit. You won't even be getting high anymore but you are in a out of your min train of thought. A lot of research has been done on this topic. You can actually have substance abuse just on it's own but it most of the time comes with a mental disorder. Ex: A high percentage of people suffering from Bi-polar Disorder have the addictive gene. If they are on a manic phase they are often overtly sexual and are taking many drugs. Gosh....umm let me think of someone with substance abuse. When I think addiction, I often think of people with a lot of creative input, so let's just say Johnny Depp. Depp is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. He also has gone through bouts of depression and liked cutting. As you see now, Depp has completely removed himself from where he could enter back into that atmosphere where he knows he could relapse. It's not easy though. You can go through 5 rehab stints until you finally give in to the treatment. Most don't make it on their 1st shot. It is a horrible disease and I hope everyone educates themselves on this topic. Detox sucks, living without the love of your life(your drug) sucks, and trying to stay clean sucks.

If everyone could please go over the links and read and educate yourself on these particular matters, I would be highly grateful. Also, like always, if you want to message me about one of these matters please do. Like I said, I've lived through it all. Here's to everyone getting through whatever you all may be going through right now and going to get help.

Peace&Love
S

Broken Heart and Broken Bones

I don't really want to talk about these things because I have been there myself and I don't really wish, since I'm in a very safe place right now, to bring them back into being topics of my life. Just on the celebrity end of this there have been a lot of overdoses and depression related deaths. Just in the past three weeks there have been three suicides of wonderful young men.

If you are wondering what causes this or why this happens to some people and not others and why it seems to really attack a certain line of work, well I will try to explain. Most creative people are VERY left minded. Also known as your emotional mind. Using your emotional side leads you to be fantastically creative. Notice the line of work I am speaking of....Artists(which if you still don't understand that includes everything and anything under the performing and creative arts). Yes sometimes we can go into the center and use our wise mind, but rarely do we use our right side, aka our rational mind. Being extremely emotionally minded leads you to being very spontaneous, ocd, obsessive, addictive, very high ups and downs, and a lot are complete genius's. We do things without thinking of the outcome, we often find things that we just love love love and cannot live without(loving your career as a fashion designer is a positive. Finding a substance is a negative.) See the connection here? But the problem is drugs in your system, for a person who if left minded, bring out soooo much creativity. A lot of great musicians(basically all of the best), wrote their best work while high. But where are they now? Mostly gone to overdoses and suicides.

I've only been okay for almost a year so I'm not saying I'm a hero or anything or I'm better than anyone who relapses because don't worry I have relapsed and I work everyday and get better everyday. I've been really blessed with wonderful psychiatrists who really put me on the correct medications. Some aren't so lucky. Including me. It took me 7 years to finally feel any release from the pain that haunted me everyday. Do I hate meds? Yes. Did they save my life? Yes. Will I continue to take them? I sure hope so. But I have to tell you sometimes when you feel well again it is soo easy to ditch your meds thinking you'll be okay. And before you know it your back at square one. This is what happened to me many of times and this is what also happened to Andrew Koenig who stoped taking his medications for his chronic battle with depression. He was found missing and found dead this week. Cause of death suicide. Below is a letter from his parents:

“My son took his own life,” he continued. “If you're one of those people who feel they can’t handle it any more, if you can learn anything from this: it’s that there are people out there who really care. You might not think so…but there are people who really, really care. And before you take that final decision, check it out again... talk to somebody.

"And for those families who have members who they fear are susceptible to this kind of behavior, don’t ignore it, don’t rationalize it. Extend a hand.”

His mother added, “I ask you all to familiarize yourselves with signs you may rationalize away. Don’t rationalize away anything. Connect with each other if there is something bothering you. There is love out there.”

Now I just read that another horrible tragedy occurred last evening in Los Angeles. Marie Osmonds son Michael took his life at the early age of 18. He jumped from his apartment complex building. He left a note. Not all is here of course due to privacy but here is a part:

"I couldn't deal with my life-long battle with depression anymore. I felt like I was completely alone."

And to finish, we had the death of one of my largest inspirations, Alexander McQueen who was found hung in his home just one week after his mothers passing.

That's all I can write. Sorry but all of this hits way to close to home.

Sarah

Also on the line of addiction, I had wrote this this week to try to make people understand how powerful it really is:

Once you are addicted to something it becomes your main relationship, the love of your life, the thing you can't live without. I am still in a highly addictive relationship with Klonopin and that is exactly how I think of the drug. You may be soo creative and brilliant at 1st. It makes you happy and alive so you want more, more, and more. But once your brain starts to center around the substance.....all your cares slip away. Before you know it you are deeply depressed and suicidal and the drugs have done this to you but you can't stop but you really really want to. Some can fight it. Some can't and surrender.

So long, Farewell....Auf Weidersehen, Goodbye

This letter is in honor of my favorite causes: Suicide Awareness and Prevention and To Write Love on Her Arms.

On March 6, 2010 it will be exactly one year since I was released from rehab and was given the chance at a better life. Today I chose to set my diseases free and live in peace with my new self.

Dear Depression,

You know you were with me for such a long time, I really never thought I would see the day where I wouldn't have to be aware of you and obey by your rules. For over the past five years I was constantly living in the dark because of you. I hid it well from everyone but you and I both know I barely bothered to try to live from one day to the next. I poisoned you with endless alcohol, bottomless pill addictions, and malnutrition. I couldn't see a way back nor did I care. I fed myself with coffee and cigarettes. Soo anxious at all times, I just couldn't bare to eat. I abused benzodiazepines and pain medication to help me get through the days, and alcohol binges in the evenings. You just kept getting worse. Finally, after numerous trips to the emergency room, I decided I needed to get help or this may be the end. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and never ever ever want to do it again. And there I was holed up for 2 months. I saw no signs of recovery in the first 6 weeks then suddenly something changed. I felt myself again. I was alive. I went from 83 pounds to 108 pounds. I went from depending on a lot of pills to not even thinking of them. I was on medicine that actually worked for me. And I got to go home and was given a shot at life again.

I don't think what I tell you or how I describe my depression, and addictions can ever put you in my shoes. But I do hope it helps. This past year has been the most amazing year of my life. I wake up in the morning singing, so happy to endure another day. I went back to doing what I was meant to do, which is to dance. This summer I vacationed all around and got to see all of my dearest friends. I had real relationships again with actual nice guys. And all of this I did with a smile. A smile may not seem much to you but when you had forgotten what it felt like to smile, it means the world. I learned how to love myself. Not in the artificial way but really learned to love deep down from my soul. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and the best thing I ever did at the same time. I'm genuinely happy and am soo thankful for these wonderful little angels God has placed in my life. I had to save myself though and that was the hardest part to understand. I'm so grateful to have my goals, dreams, and aspirations back. I'm me and I love it. Goodbye depression. I know I have a chance of seeing you again and I'm not scared but I am going to fight my hardest to keep you far far away from me.

Sincerely,
Sarah

P.S. HUGE celebration on the 6th!!!!!