Recovery YO Pt. 3

Em taking a nap on Proof while on tour bus

Inserts out of a Vibe Magazine

Interview from 2009

It’s no secret I had a drug problem. I just don’t think my fans knew how bad it was. When I went to rehab in 2005 I went in for a sleep problem, or I guess a sleep problem is what I thought it was. But it was a drug problem and I wasn’t ready to admit it. I was taking Valium, Ambien, and Vicodin. Valium, Ambien, the numbers got so high I don’t even know what I was taking. I barely made it through that Anger Management 3 tour [Summer 2005]. I got by on the skin of my teeth. I had a rehab doctor that was seeing me through to where I could just take enough to not get sick and be able to sleep at night. The whole idea was, Get me through the tour, through these last couple of weeks, and then I’ll check myself in.

When I went into rehab everyone else was ready for me to go, but I wasn’t. Rehab was a really bad experience for me. Just being a celebrity and s**t, I felt like a fish out of water. It was like, I don’t have a problem. Everybody else has a problem. I’m a grown man, I should be able to do what I wanna do. That’s the things that addicts go through in their mind. I stayed in rehab for probably two weeks—then I checked myself out.

Needless to say, I relapsed. I started taking Vicodin the week after I got home, so I was probably clean for three weeks. Then I started back with the NyQuil. I had a problem with NyQuil even though it’s an over-the-counter thing, it’s a serious trigger for me. I’d try to knock myself out but sometimes if you drink too much it would have the reverse effect and keep you up. So I’m right back on the phone with the dopeman trying to get Valium or whatever I could to sleep.
The problem was bad already, but when the Proof thing happened, it got really bad. It’s not an excuse to use drugs, but man, if I ever had a reason…. It was an excuse for me to just say, f**k it. I just went all out with it. It got worse and worse to the point where I was getting it from anywhere I could. I had friends—or so-called friends—that were using the same s**t that I was. They’d give me s**t and I’d stockpile it.

So one day, this was right before Christmas of 2007, I got ahold of some pills. Somebody gave me some pills that were blue and they were shaped like Vicodin. I went to him looking for anything with codeine in it—Tylenol 3s, 4s, but they gave me these blue pills. They told me, Take these, these are just like Vicodin, only they’re easier on your liver. I remember taking one in the car on the way home, and I was like, Whoa, this is f**kin’ great. I didn’t even ask what it was. I’m like, This makes you mellow and it’s easier on your liver? I got a new drug of choice.

Within a day or two I was back askin’ for more. This time I probably got 15 to 20 of ’em. I think that day I took half. Toward the evening, I remember not being able to get out of bed. I literally couldn’t move. People said that I was actin’ weird that day—actin’ real slow and s**t.

I think I slept from 3 in the afternoon ’til 10 o’clock. That’s when I remember waking up and I couldn’t move. I was like, f**k it, I’ll just lay here. I woke up the next day at noon. I literally slept all the way from 3, 4 in the afternoon ’til noon the next day.

So I get up and I’m like, Okay well, I’m straight…I’m gonna take more. I took half the first day, then I took another half the second day. And the last thing I remember is trying to use the bathroom. I remember standing up to take a piss and I just fell over backward. Smack my back on the trash can, break the trash can. And I get up again, and this time I fall over the other way, to the side. I remember that the bathroom floor was cold. And I remember trying to crawl over to a rug. I got to the rug, and that’s the last thing that I remember. There are some things I have to keep to myself when telling this part of the story for personal reasons.

I woke up in the hospital. The doctor told me those mysterious new pills were methadone, which is used to wean heroin addicts off dope. Had I known it was methadone, I probably wouldn’t have taken it. But as bad as I was back then, I can’t even say 100 percent for sure.

I wasn’t only depressed about Proof, I was depressed about my music in general. All I was taking was downers, strictly sedatives. My mood made my music depressing. And in turn, the depressing music made my mood depressed. My brain was thinking slow. My flow, my cadence, everything was just slow. Every record that I made was, Woe is me, and my life is so f**ked and everything is wrong....

I overdosed, and I was in the hospital for a week detoxing. My doctor told me the amount of methadone I’d taken was equivalent to shooting up four bags of heroin. Even when they told me I almost died, it didn’t click. I was pretty much in a coma for two days. All I remember was just peacefully sleeping and waking up in the hospital like, What the f**k is going on? There’s tubes in me, there’s all kinds of s**t in me.

When you’re told you almost died, in an addict’s brain, this particular addict was thinking, Well I didn’t die, so I’m okay. WHEW! I got lucky. Thank you, God. God, please just please get me through this and I’ll never use again. But lo and behold…

The official word was I had pneumonia. Thing is, I really did have pneumonia; I had taken so many pills that my immune system wasn’t functioning right. They told me that if I’d gotten to the hospital two hours later, I would have died, because I f**ked my kidneys and liver up so bad. My kidneys had almost completely shut down. They were ready to put me on dialysis. -Eminem

PEACE

S

-Just as an FYI incase you didn't know because I didn't until I got Relapse last summer that in the mist of all of his drug use he had lost his very Best Friend from childhood, Proof. They both resided in Detroit together, grew up together, and worked together since they both started rapping in their teens. They also were in the group D-12 together. If you listen to every interview, every mag article, a lot of songs on Recovery, that Eminem is still horrible grieving I feel and states that Proof that was the only person who got him. Feels lost without his Best Friend who was tragically killed in 2006.

Eminem spoke at his best friend Proof's funeral where he said "without Proof, there would be no Eminem, no Slim Shady and no D12." The service sheet said the two men shared the "friendship of a lifetime."

He also dedicated the album Relapse to Proof but only mentioned him a few times in the album, unlike Recovery where he is mentioned heavily in almost every track and even if he's not mentioned in a track you can still feel that this album is his therapeutic way of trying to still figure out life without him.

Relapse Album Dedication to Proof-

Proof,

No matter how much time passes, not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

If it weren't for you, I would not be where I am today and we both know it.

I tried to write song for you but nothing was good enough,

so I'm dedicating them all to you-and you'd be happy to know that I spazzed out

on 'em gain! I know you wouldn't have it any other way! Fuck 'em all--let's get 'em!

P.S. I'm sober now, I know you'd be proud.

I love you Doody, I'll never forget you.

Love, Doody

We're in Recovery Yo Part II

As one of my favorite friends once said about rehab centers and hospitals, "So was everyone like real fucked in the head there? Pretty crazy? Ohh good cause I feel much more relaxed around those I can relate to." And why do you think Eminem is so relatable? Because he's always been "out there", never held one thought back, rhymed about topics that were never thought to be talked about, and now he comes to us with an insane, truthful, honest account of his way through the darkness of depression, drug abuse, and hopelessness; Only to show us that it can be done, even though it may be the most difficult thing you do, and he's there with these two albums, his interviews, and his strength to help current and recovering addicts stay strong. I think what he did is heroic in a sense. And I'm sure those who have "been there" are there with me on that.



THIS ALBUM IS DEDICATED 2 ANYONE WHO'S IN A DARK PLACE
TRYIN' 2 GET OUT, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP....
IT DOES GET BETTER!-recovery 2010

I did a lot of research on Eminem lately because I won't act like I was a huge fan cause I wasn't and I wanted to write these pieces about him with full knowledge, and love. I respected him as a musician and especially as a lyricist but his name would never pop out when asked what my favorite music was as it would today. Chronic and Chronic 2001 were my rap albums and Snoop and Dre, to me, were like gods to me.(still are) Eminem's 1st album came out the same year as Britney. All the boys would rap Em all day and all the girls would sing Brit. hahaha. Then 1 song really captured my attention and that was Stan which I consider to be one of the best pieces of work done by an artist ever. But other than that, yes I enjoyed dancing to his music in bars or listen to while driving, but nothing too crazy. Now skip 10 years later and a recent trip to rehab, I was introduced to him again. My friend is insanely obsessed with Eminem. Almost equal to my obsession to Britney. So when he told me to go get this album I put it off for a while. My friend and I both had both gotten out of rehab about umm 1 & 1/4 years ago if you want to round it. He's got like 6 months on me. But he started to tell me what Eminem was going through and it hit me soo hard I went out and got Relapse that day.

I REALLY REALLY dislike when people have neg. feelings about that album. Or even when Eminem says it is "ehh". Relapse helped me in soo many ways that I cannot even count! And I know that Em knows that putting Relapse out there like that did help people and even saved a lot of lives. Relapse as a whole is just insane. Insanely amazing! He uses this magnificent other voice as this crazy serial killer and rappist then went into intense songs about getting better or maybe getting worse again. I can see how people wouldn't see this as their favorite Emimen album but to me and all the others trying to get better, trying to get out of the dark, falling back into your cycle, and just trying to understand what the F is going on with you......well then this album will speak the world to you. To me, this album got to me just when I needed it. Besides my friend, I truly didn't have anyone else who understood how hard this all was. How my life changed overnight. I was lost and had trouble figuring out who the hell I was supposed to be now? No ones perfect and I think that was a completely normal reaction to what I had been through. Eminem states in a recent interview that "if I didn't have pills to fall back on, I would have been a full blown alcoholic for sure." I had and knew the same issue well. So in the recovery process down the road, I began on my mission to quit drinking and am actually enjoying it. Relapse touches on his alcohol abuse and not anywhere near his issues with a few certain pharmacutical drugs imparticular; Valium, Ambien, and Vicoden.

Another statement/which is actually a fact, that Em brought up in an interview was "The more depressed I got the more drugs I took, and the more drugs I took the more depressed I got." Yep, pretty much how that works. Uhh to all my friends who read this might sounds a tad familiar. All of this started with a sleeping problem that he had had developed. He began taking ambien. After the ambien combined with his large NyQuil addiction, started to not work he started using Valium. Now after a while that didn't work so he started taking Vicoden. He stuck with that mixture for a while. I won't comment on those 3 drugs and the OTC bottles of NyQuil but I will say I developed a serious case of insomnia in '07 that no matter what, and I mean no matter what I took, no matter what combo I tried; I never was able to sleep. I actually will say that this was one of the worst periods in my life. I finally went and got help and haven't had it back again until currently. It's my life and I just deal. I can date back to starting at about 15 years old getting bouts of Insomnia. It feels like you are starting to lose your mind when you go for months on only about 2 hours of sleep a day. (my doctor gave me whatever I wanted cause she felt so bad but I got nothing out of it but an addiction to xanax) You just want to sleep. Even for one night. And the sleep never comes. Someone who was suffering from insomnia wasn't that lucky and took just about what I was taking at the time but add in an oxy. Heath Ledger never woke up. That was a huge wake up call for me. Right around the same time, Marshall Mathers OD'd as well but was found in time and saved.

Eminem didn't OD on his ambien, vics, or benzos alone but actually something else he was given after being told the drug was just like a vic. And it truly blows what happened but you know how somethings happen for a reason.......well I kinda wanna say that if he didn't have this horrific experience, well then the world still might not have him and his wonderful talent back yet.
See me and you we almost had the same outcome Heath
Cuz that christmas you know the pneumonia thing
It was bolognya was it the methadone ya think? -deja vu

"Don't let em' say you ain't beautiful, They can all get fucked just stay true to you"-beautiful

Peace & Love
S

"So dark and so cold, my friends dont know this other side of me. There's a monster inside of me that's quite ugly, it's frightening me!" -stay wide awake