Your Guard is Up, and I Know Why....

I'm home right now in Pittsburgh, PA. Where it is currently(haha j/k, I meant permanently) raining, cold, dark, and dreary. While having a little time to go through my photo albums and boxes of books that couldn't make the move, I pulled out my 12 Step Book. Now not that I believe the 12 Steps work or don't work(I think that is up to you on how you wish to recover), but I do STRONGLY agree in Step 8 and 9! We'll get to that in a minute. I spent over half a year helping someone who used and abused me to death.....okay I'll take away the abuse.....no let's actually keep that in there because you did abuse me in the sense that I was on this earth to help them. Me, being the kind soul I unfortunately am, will basically help absolutely anyone who asks. I've been to hell and back a few times so I know what it's like and you sure do need that shoulder to cry on and a confidant who will never tell your secrets. So there I was helping, worrying, crying when they would disappear to go on a bender for a couple days and not tell me, and pretty much just walked all over. Being the state that they were in, I know from my personal experiences, they did not mean or even know that they were treating me this way. Anyways lets move on.

Back to Step 8 please-make a list of all persons we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all. DING DING DING!!!! Now that your sanity is restored I just have a little question.....where in the world is my letter? I'm completely being real right now and I'm feeling tonight and I want to know where the heck is my letter or my (9.)Direct Amends. Phone call??? And I wouldn't be going through any of this with my readers and the person this is directed to if I didn't have almost the exact same issues. I know we love and care for each other very much soo but when should I start to feel hurt from the lack of acknowledgement? Here's some tips dear on how you can fix this all up!

Dear Sarah,
Thank you for helping me through the worst part of my life and always being there for me. You helped SAVE MY LIFE.
Sincerely,
Blank

Done. Soo easy but I mean I would hope you'd have more to say than that but just that would be kind and recognizing Step 8&9 in the 12 Steps. Or even maybe like a "Thank you for keeping me out of even more trouble I could have got into and for ALWAYS helping me out financially. Ohh and keeping a huge secret that you could only talk to your therapist about." Love, BLANK

Either way done and done. I am soo proud of you and even more proud that you have found happiness. Not a day goes by when you don't run though my mind at one time or another. But this is how I am when I am in this town. Let's just say I am excited to get back to LA because at least there I focus on myself. I live to give others advice on some of the things I have went through, what it takes it pick it all back up, and how to live minute by minute-day by day. But I guess I did something wrong. Yes, I probably babied you too much but hey what else was I supposed to do? You were on a very low maturity level at the time and that's what I thought was best. I HATE tough love so I don't use it.

So my best suggestion is to hull ass to Hallmark, pick up a card and just let me know that you appreciated everything I have done. Your ********* have my address.

That's it. And you know what, I highly doubt I would be even thinking of this if I weren't in pgh. You and I both know how wonderful it is to escape from the past and start fresh. I hope you are somewhere gorgeous and the sun is always shining. Like we had planned before, you know you can always come where I am and stay for a year or two there. You're soo freaking sweet that I cannot be mad. This is more of a protocol thing. You know I don't ever have it in me to be mean to you.

With that all said, I am now going to go watch on Demand my favorite episode of Glee. It's titled Grilled Cheesus. Everyone watch it if you haven't already. It's one of my all time favorite episodes. Okay totally way off the subject there but do watch it! Moving on....

Everyone do not forget to say your prayers and keep your spirituality high. There is never a gift that is as precious as being happy and healthy so for all of you that are please remember that is a true blessing. I know you're there now.

Love & Loyalty

S

Can You Get Me A Green Doll?......cont.

I believe I left off with White Oleander(my second favorite read ever) and tonight I will go over five more Novels, and Auto-Biographies that are "Must Reads" on my list as well. I hope you all are enjoying this and are exciting to begin letting your imagination flow this New Year by starting off with one of these!

MUST READS(cont.)

Go Ask Alice- Anonomous
*Go Ask Alice is one of the first books I ever read on my own. I kept it hidden in my bedroom and I was in 6th or 7th grade. Most of you, I'm assuming, have read, this powerful Diary of a girl who's rebellious ways led her to moving out as a teenager, having many dramatic relationships, living the hippy ways, and always tripping out on Acid. In many ways I loved and still love this book. Alice is somebody who I will never be. And at the time I read it she was everything I was not but dreamed of being. I wanted to be wild and free but instead I was very inhibited and a follower of the rules(minus the music I listened to). Alice reaches the end of the book back at home and clean ready to change her life around just when an old neighbor stops by to say high and gives her a little paper with a smiley face. Just one more time she thought. Well that time was the last for Alice had a bad trip causing her to go insane and kill herself.

Heavier Than Heaven- Charles Cross (also see Cobain Unseen by Charles Cross)
*This book is just one of those books that comes along once and a lifetime and if you were taken by his music, intrigued by his privacy, or/and also shaken that the great genius we all know as Kurt Cobain, had committed suicide at the young age of 27, then this auto-biography will take you through his life step by step. I love this book and have read it literally COUNTLESS times. It's a book that always has to be with me. The way Cross wrote about Kurt's life in such positivity and greatness leaves the reader not being able to book the book down from beginning to end. A must for any music lover. Although Kurt did end his life, you learn that he was in such despair and pain that he could no longer live and provide what was demanded of him. This books takes you through when he was a baby until the end. The story is a tragic one. Not one with many uplifting points. But that was Kurt and he's had "the suicide gene" since he can remember. Best Cobain book out there. My third favorite book ever.

RENT- Jonathan Larson
*To properly get the correct book that i am about to describe let me explain what it looks like so you do not anything but. The book is very long(sort of like a final scrip or score long), it is black but looks very damaged. It is binded by the looks of silver duck tape and painted across the upper center in written RENT in b&w. If you love musical theatre then you have to have this. Anyone who loves musical theatre and is in generation X, like I am, usually placed RENT next to a God like creation. The creator Jonathan Larson had worked on this score for seven year.....never to see it open on Broadway. The story of how Rent became what is is now, which is legendary, is something for you all to read. It's magical and poetic and leaves both tears of sadness and joy. I will not give anymore away. I was lucky enough to see this two times on Broadway and when I think about it I still get chills.

Glamorama- Bret Easton Ellis
*This is the 3rd novel by Bret Easton Ellis on a list of my ten favorite all time books. As you can start to notice, I am just enthralled by his writing. The piece, Glamorama, is extremely hard to explain. I really don't know where to start but "I see specks". A line you'll see often throughout this long masterpiece. A very fucked up book about a guy that is also just as fucked up as the book. All I can say is please read it. You will not put it down and you will most likely have to read each page twice from being so taken off guard. It is worth every minute you spend on it. A twisted, open ended, piece of life seen through the eyes of a NYC yuppie. Written shortly after American Psycho.

Britney: Inside the Dream- Steve Dennis
*Steve Dennis finished this book about a year after Britney Spears' public breakdown. As a young girl and now as a woman I have and will always idolize Britney Spears. I see her, as do a lot of others, as a VERY fascinating individual. But that here is the problem. I remember in high school dancing to Britney with my best friend and saying "ohh I wish I was Britney!" Well be careful what you wish for. Now I see, as an adult, Britney leads a very uncharming life. This book takes you through all of the highs and lows of her entire life so far. She lived under a microscope, barely able to leave her house, has never had a real friend, gotten married twice just to feel the love and security from a man, which she never had from her alcoholic father who is now her Conservator. The whole thing is like one bad dream no one ever wanted to see. Her stunted mental growth along with the many mental issues Britney struggles with, leaves her life in the hands of the court. It's not a way to live. But on the other hand she is our Queen of Pop, our royalty. Please read this book just to understand what a day is like for this woman.

Ahh!!! And we are finished! So those are my top 10 books at the moment and of all time. Please check them out. The best place to purchase these is at www.amazon.com and you won't be disappointed. I promise you.

Peace & Love
S

I Apologize Even Though I Know It's Lies

There has been all this talk about this video for the song "Love the Way You Lie". It's glamorizing domestic violence, it's creating controversy, and it's based on Rhianna's and E's past troubled relationships. This song was never one one of my absolute favorites off the album because if you own it there are a lot more amazing tracks but the video really got to me. In the span of 3 days, I watched this video on repeat. Over and over and over. Then I got soo hooked on the video, instead of going through my whole Recovery album while I am driving or chilling listening to music and writing, I had number 15 set on repeat. I thought I did a good analyzation of the album when it came out and understanding all of the metaphors used because a lot of the tracks are tricky and if you miss something you can interpret it as something else. Now I am not one to say I KNOW that this is true but I am, after 2 1'2 months going to give you my true finalization of Love the Way You Lie(LTWYL).

This song nor this video are about domestic violence. The video is a lie in itself. It's outstanding and was perfectly put together with Em on this peaceful green of grass(a safe zone). Rhianna starts the video with her infamous chorus and then the magic really occurs. Stated from the director-"I just told them: This is not like a normal film. We have two days on set, and we have to think of it as an acting workshop, because you're going to have to ramp up into emotions in two seconds, you're not going to know what the story is, and you're going to have to trust one another," he explained. "I'm asking them to go from zero to 100 in two seconds, so they were using all their techniques as actors. Dom would be calling her names, she'd be calling him names ... to see them turn it on like that, it was really a fascinating acting study." And they were incredible in these roles and beyond believable. But here where if you listen, over and over and over, you'll see a whole new side to LTWYL. This is my opinion so I don't like to fight so no hate mail please.

Any addicts out there? Ever been in love with a substance so bad that you would fight for it no matter what even though in the end you know you'll sit there and cry about how fucked up this substance has made you. It's a little bit difficult to understand if you haven't but you just have to try to put yourself in the situation. Doing drugs is your main relationship. Nothing comes before that. I don't know why this happens but if you don't have it you feel mad, violent, and are absolutely not using your rational or wise mind. You need your fix and then you'll be fine. As with the title "love the way you lie" kind of explains it all. Drugs lie to you. They make feel good, damn good. And you love it and there just fucking with your brain making you feel this euphoria, but it's a lie and a trick and when it wears off you back at the beginning again. The drugs are lying to you and you hit repeat and start over.

Instead of going over the entire piece, word by word, I'm just going to try to just some up of the key points he makes through out the song. Let's just get this chorus over with....
'Just gonna stand there and watch me burn but that's alright because I love the way it hurts/Just gonna stand there and watch me cry but that's alright because I love the way you like, I love the way you lie'. (This screams him speaking of his relationship with his addiction and although he was burning with pain he didn't care cause he loved it too much and even though he knew his addiction was killing him he came to terms with it. His addiction was lying to him, life I stated before you get a wonderful fake euphoria but it's all a lie but he loved the lie and he was artificially happy. Which was also a lie. Plain and simple....he's playing with fire.)

Right away he begins to speak of 'Fight or Fight' mode. Whoever has been in a rehabilitation facility, inpatient or outpatient, or even just in you're therapists office, you will hear this enough to make you want to scream. In relation to what Em says about it is basically he's fighting and fighting(in a tremendous level of terror and panic), I know I have felt like this when my past addictions were in full force and I run out I would immediately go into fight or flight mode, 'as long as the wrong feels right I'm in flight'. When in fight or flight with addiction in mind, you more you use the weaker you become 'the more I love her the more I suffer, I suffocate/And right before I'm about to drown she resuscitates me'. You used and you are okay for the time being. May even refer to withdrawal pains and you just can't take it anymore so you use even though you know your in the wrong. After he's resuscitated he's right back into a relapse, 'were running right back here we go again'. Not a good feeling. The part where he is Superman and she is Lois Lane is when his addiction is at it's best. he's receiving the best highs and feels like nothing can stop him. He's cool and very in control. And then things switch and instead of getting high he has to use more and he's so gone he can't stop, 'I feel so ashamed'.

You ever love somebody so much, You can barely breathe when your with them/
You meet and neither one of you, Even know what hit 'em/
Got that warm fuzzy feeling, Yeah them chills, Used to get 'em/(this is when you 1st begin your addiction and everything feels so right. This is your new love)
Now you're getting fucking sick, Of looking at 'em(Key line in my view. You're addicted and you wanna fucking scream that you have to take the drugs just to get through the day. You're over the Honeymoon Phase.)
Throw 'em down, Pin 'em(Trying to say no and putting it all in the toilet then running back to get more.)

So they say it's best, To go your separate ways/
Guess that they don't know ya, Cause today, That was yesterday/
Yesterday is over, It's a different day/
Sound like broken records, Playin' over/
But you promised her, Next time you'll show restraint/(yeah you lost that a long time ago)
You don't get another chance, Life is no Nintendo game(I think this refers to his overdose in '07 and how close he came to dying. Basically saying you can't hit Reset in real life.)

-Continuation tomorrow. Didn't realize how late it got and how much I write! So what do you guys think about this. Eminem doesn't write songs about chicks and when asked why he used Rhianna on this track all he said was "I thought she could pull it off"

All I know is that Eminem is still very early in his recovery stage. 2 years is nothing. And from my own horrible experiences and others, I know that, it sucks, but it's all you wanna talk about. It's like a bad relationship that you just can't get over. And sometimes you go back to that abusive relationship and start all over again.
P&L
S

CONTINUATION

So were onto the 3rd and final verse. Hope everyone is understanding what I'm getting rather than what is commercially given to you. Either way it's a very passionate extreme song about a love/hate relationship and if you've been there it hits you even harder.

Now I know we said things, did things, that we didn't mean/then we fall back into the same patterns, same routine/(you say you wanna quit, that your done for good, but you just said that to lie to yourself because you go right back to using in your *measured out routine. *Addicts are very obsessive compulsive when it comes to timing and use of your drug. Your days is revolved around this and it comforts you in many ways). But your tempers just as bad as mine is, you're the same as me/When it comes to love your just as blinded, baby please (Drugs are vicious, vicious evil mf's. And they do have tempers of their own and the deeper you become involved the more the two, you and your drug, and connected. So involved you're blinded to what it is doing to your actions and cares.)

Maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems/Maybe that's what happens when a tornado meets a volcano, all I know is I love you too much to walk away now (You lie to yourself into what you are thinking and doing isn't crazy it's just helping you get by and you'll be fine. But when an addict meets and falls in love with a hurricane of a drug, nothing can stop you from loving the drama, excitement, and downfalls. You can't leave now.) Over the next final lines he states twice that he's a liar and that everything he does and says are lies. He's tired of all this drama and the on and off desires he has. He wants to quit but he is caught in his lies, he's tired, and quits. Not just the addiction but his life. "I'm just gonna....."

Thanks everyone who reads this and please always look deeper. Don't ever judge a book by it's cover. There's much more behind where you shall find the truth.

Peace & Love

S

We're in Recovery Yo Part II

As one of my favorite friends once said about rehab centers and hospitals, "So was everyone like real fucked in the head there? Pretty crazy? Ohh good cause I feel much more relaxed around those I can relate to." And why do you think Eminem is so relatable? Because he's always been "out there", never held one thought back, rhymed about topics that were never thought to be talked about, and now he comes to us with an insane, truthful, honest account of his way through the darkness of depression, drug abuse, and hopelessness; Only to show us that it can be done, even though it may be the most difficult thing you do, and he's there with these two albums, his interviews, and his strength to help current and recovering addicts stay strong. I think what he did is heroic in a sense. And I'm sure those who have "been there" are there with me on that.



THIS ALBUM IS DEDICATED 2 ANYONE WHO'S IN A DARK PLACE
TRYIN' 2 GET OUT, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP....
IT DOES GET BETTER!-recovery 2010

I did a lot of research on Eminem lately because I won't act like I was a huge fan cause I wasn't and I wanted to write these pieces about him with full knowledge, and love. I respected him as a musician and especially as a lyricist but his name would never pop out when asked what my favorite music was as it would today. Chronic and Chronic 2001 were my rap albums and Snoop and Dre, to me, were like gods to me.(still are) Eminem's 1st album came out the same year as Britney. All the boys would rap Em all day and all the girls would sing Brit. hahaha. Then 1 song really captured my attention and that was Stan which I consider to be one of the best pieces of work done by an artist ever. But other than that, yes I enjoyed dancing to his music in bars or listen to while driving, but nothing too crazy. Now skip 10 years later and a recent trip to rehab, I was introduced to him again. My friend is insanely obsessed with Eminem. Almost equal to my obsession to Britney. So when he told me to go get this album I put it off for a while. My friend and I both had both gotten out of rehab about umm 1 & 1/4 years ago if you want to round it. He's got like 6 months on me. But he started to tell me what Eminem was going through and it hit me soo hard I went out and got Relapse that day.

I REALLY REALLY dislike when people have neg. feelings about that album. Or even when Eminem says it is "ehh". Relapse helped me in soo many ways that I cannot even count! And I know that Em knows that putting Relapse out there like that did help people and even saved a lot of lives. Relapse as a whole is just insane. Insanely amazing! He uses this magnificent other voice as this crazy serial killer and rappist then went into intense songs about getting better or maybe getting worse again. I can see how people wouldn't see this as their favorite Emimen album but to me and all the others trying to get better, trying to get out of the dark, falling back into your cycle, and just trying to understand what the F is going on with you......well then this album will speak the world to you. To me, this album got to me just when I needed it. Besides my friend, I truly didn't have anyone else who understood how hard this all was. How my life changed overnight. I was lost and had trouble figuring out who the hell I was supposed to be now? No ones perfect and I think that was a completely normal reaction to what I had been through. Eminem states in a recent interview that "if I didn't have pills to fall back on, I would have been a full blown alcoholic for sure." I had and knew the same issue well. So in the recovery process down the road, I began on my mission to quit drinking and am actually enjoying it. Relapse touches on his alcohol abuse and not anywhere near his issues with a few certain pharmacutical drugs imparticular; Valium, Ambien, and Vicoden.

Another statement/which is actually a fact, that Em brought up in an interview was "The more depressed I got the more drugs I took, and the more drugs I took the more depressed I got." Yep, pretty much how that works. Uhh to all my friends who read this might sounds a tad familiar. All of this started with a sleeping problem that he had had developed. He began taking ambien. After the ambien combined with his large NyQuil addiction, started to not work he started using Valium. Now after a while that didn't work so he started taking Vicoden. He stuck with that mixture for a while. I won't comment on those 3 drugs and the OTC bottles of NyQuil but I will say I developed a serious case of insomnia in '07 that no matter what, and I mean no matter what I took, no matter what combo I tried; I never was able to sleep. I actually will say that this was one of the worst periods in my life. I finally went and got help and haven't had it back again until currently. It's my life and I just deal. I can date back to starting at about 15 years old getting bouts of Insomnia. It feels like you are starting to lose your mind when you go for months on only about 2 hours of sleep a day. (my doctor gave me whatever I wanted cause she felt so bad but I got nothing out of it but an addiction to xanax) You just want to sleep. Even for one night. And the sleep never comes. Someone who was suffering from insomnia wasn't that lucky and took just about what I was taking at the time but add in an oxy. Heath Ledger never woke up. That was a huge wake up call for me. Right around the same time, Marshall Mathers OD'd as well but was found in time and saved.

Eminem didn't OD on his ambien, vics, or benzos alone but actually something else he was given after being told the drug was just like a vic. And it truly blows what happened but you know how somethings happen for a reason.......well I kinda wanna say that if he didn't have this horrific experience, well then the world still might not have him and his wonderful talent back yet.
See me and you we almost had the same outcome Heath
Cuz that christmas you know the pneumonia thing
It was bolognya was it the methadone ya think? -deja vu

"Don't let em' say you ain't beautiful, They can all get fucked just stay true to you"-beautiful

Peace & Love
S

"So dark and so cold, my friends dont know this other side of me. There's a monster inside of me that's quite ugly, it's frightening me!" -stay wide awake

You scream "someone save me"......

.....but they don't pay no mind, Goodbye.

I appreciate ALL music but I just wanted to give a shout out to someone who is not only helping me but I'm sure helping MILLIONS for the recent music he has put out over the last year and a new album "Recovery" coming out in June. It's funny how I bought this CD but one of my good guy friends who is also in recovery kept talking about it. I didn't think a thing because the kid loves Eminem as much as I love Britney. Truth. But I said F it one day while in Best Buy and picked up a copy. I came home and listened to the entire 20 track album. Ay 1st I found it a bit fucked up. Actually there are still songs I don't listen to. But my friend told me which tracks to focus on so I listened to those over again and again and again and here I am in May still talking about this album like I just bought it when in reality I've had it since early fall.

If you have been through some shit or you haven't this is still an amazing album. If you have been in the dark, blocked in by depression, addiction, and feel like you can't get yourself up again, you will honestly think think some of these tracks or even just pieces of lyrics are for you. I was talking to Allison last night and although she doesn't have "Relapse" she had listened to a couple tracks before and it was frightening how much she could relate. Below are the lyrics to one of my favorite peices. It's track 16, into on 15. It's about slipping up just a little and how quickly it turns into a relapse. I don't think anyone could have put it into words better than Eminem on what it's like. Because this is it. Period. Step by step.

Deja Vu

As I fall deeper into a manic state,
I'm a prime candidate for the gene to receive the drug addict trait.
Blood pressure climbs at a dramatic rate,
I seem to gravitate to the bottle of NyQuil then I salivate.
Start off with the NyQuil like 'I think I'll just have a taste'.
Couple of sips of that then I gradually graduate,
to a harder prescription drug called Valium like yeah that's great.
I go to take just one and I end up like having eight.
Now I need something in my stomach cuz I haven't ate.
Maybe I'll grab a plate of nachos and I'll have a steak.
And you'd think that with all I have at stake,
Look at my daughters face...
'Mommy somethings is wrong with dad I think!
He's acting weird again, he's really beginning to scare me.
Wont shave his beard again and he pretends he doesn't hear me.
And all he does is eat Doritos and Cheetos,
and he just fell asleep in his car eating three musketeers in the rear seat'.

Sometimes I feel so alone,
I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.
So lonely and cold, it's like something takes over me,
soon as I go home and close the door.
Kinda feels like Deja Vu, I wanna get away from this place I do,
but I can't and I wont say I tried but I know that's a lie cuz I don't,
and why, I just don't know.....

Maybe just a nice cold brew, what's a beer?
That's the devil in my ear I been sober a fuckin' year.
And that fucker still talks to me, he's all I can fuckin hear,
'Marshall come on we'll watch the game it's the Cowboys and Buccaneers'.
And maybe if I just drink half I'll be half buzzed for half of the time.
Who's that mastermind behind that little line?
With that kind of rational man I got half a mind,
to have another half of glass of wine sounds asinine, yeah I know.
But I never had no problem with alcohol.
Ouch look out for the wall aim for the couch I'm about to fall.
I missed the couch and down I go looking like a bouncing ball.
Shit must have knocked me out cuz I didn't feel the ground at all
Wow what the fuck happened last night? Where am I?
Man, fuck am I hungover, and god damn i got a head ache.
Shit half a vicodin why cant I?
'All systems ready for take off please stand by'.

Sometimes I feel so alone,
I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.
So lonely and cold, It's like something takes over me,
soon as I go home and close the door.
Kinda feels like Deja Vu, I wanna get away from this place I do,
but I cant and I won't say I tried but I know that's a lie, and why, I don't know...

So I take a Vicodin splash it hits my stomach and ahh.
A couple weeks go by it aint even like im getting high.
Now I need it just not to feel sick, yeah im getting by.
Wouldn't even be taking this shit if DeShaun didn't die.
Oh ya there's an excuse you lose Proof so you use.
There's new rules it's cool if it's helping you to get through.
It's twelve noon aint no harm in self inducing a snooze.
What else is new? Fuck it what would Elvis do in your shoes?
Now here I am three months later, full blown relapse,
'Just get high until the kids get home from school holmes, relax'.
And since im convinced that I'm insomniac,
I need these pills to be able to sleep, so I take three naps,
just to be able to function throughout the day let's see
that's an Ambien each nap, how many Valium? Three.
And that will average out to about one good hours sleep.
Ok so now you see the reason how come he
has taken four years just too put out an album B.
See me and you we almost had the same outcome Heath,
cuz that Christmas you know the Pneumonia thing?
It was bologna, was it the Methadone ya think?
Or the Hydrocodone, you hide inside your pornos?
Your VCR tape cases with your Ambien CR, great places to hide ain't it?
So you can lie to Haley, I'm going beddy bye Whitney baby good night Elaina.
Go in the room and shut the bedroom door and wake up in an ambulance
They said they found me on the bathroom floor, damn!

Highlighted Sections-true, true, true, true. Whole track true but this is a line here is a line that plays in my head over and over......."I wanna get away from this place I do, but I cant and I won't say I try but I know that's a lie cuz I don't, and why, I just dont know....."

You go ahead and think about that line there. Sometimes you have to to to see what it would be like if this were you. But if you haven't there is no way to teach it and it's hard for outsiders to understand.

Peace & Love -S

Last Dance With Mary Jane

Can there be such a thing as Benedryl withdrawal? If so, I totally have it. I am going on my 3rd night without without one of my dearest sleeping helpers and I am not liking it one bit. Benedryl and I have been together since Feb. of '07. It added an extra little kick to my klonopin everynight and would really usually help me get a whole nights worth of sleep. One time I had left my bottle of Benedryl tablets at a friends house when I lived in the Southside. My roomate and I were looking up and down throughout the apartment because I was on the verge on a Benedryl breakdown. Finally I remembered it was at my friends house and I drove those 10 blocks as fast as I could just to grab the bottle from him who though I was absolutely nuts. Hey but everyone knows how it is when your addicted to something.......you have to have it NOW!

I have also suggested this method to almost everyone who comes to me with sleeping problems. Since I am the Queen, I pretty much know all and if you can't get the good stuff all you're left with is OTC sleep aids. These drugs, I believe, leave you tired and weary the next day. But not Benedryl, for it is just fantastic! One of my best friends and I just shortened the name to "the Dryl". At least that's all she needs for sleep unlike myself where this "dryl" is just added to my sleeping potion I have designed over the years. Now even though I have a potion that would knock out a 800 pound man, I still am human and have sleepless nights. When these occur I throw a fit and get completely flustered thinking that it will become a regular action. See now there were about 3 months where I was took my sleeping potion to a whole new level and STILL couldn't sleep. This would drive anyone mad. And then right in the middle of my master potion plan Heath Ledger had passed away from a sleeping potion he made his own. I was threatened by several friends to quit because my potion was almost identical to Heaths. So then I got scared as well and took one of the ingredients out.

Now why I am writing this today is because I actually got a withdrawal sign this evening while shopping at Anthropologie. I was in line and all the sudden I started to sweat immensely. I tried to shake it off but just couldn't so I fast tracked it out of there and ran to the Panara a few shops down. I was seeing double by this point and ordered a small drink as fast as I could. Thank goodness to the Coke and the sitting I began to feel a tiny bit better but then it came back with avenges. I was soo embarrassed that I may have to use the Panara bathroom to throw up from lack of Benedryl. But don't fret guys, I hung in there and even though I was drenched in sweat and looked like I had just gone through war, I made it back to Anthropologie to purchase my goods. I mean gosh though you would have thought I was withdrawling from Vicoden or Xanax. Not fun! So if anybody knows if there is withdrawal from OTC Benedryl, I would be more than happy if you could let me know because I cannot come up with any other conclusions to my hot mess of an evening!

Peace & Love

S

Silicone, Saline, Poisen, Inject Me

I don't watch TV much but I often find myself watching the trashy shows with Dr. Phil. Sex rehab, celeb rehab, and sober house have been catching my eye.(with the help of my friend Michelle who basically lives for this stuff. Today we are just going to talk about one specific person but I think they are all very interesting people, to say the least.

Her name: Kari Ann Peniche. To me, Keri Ann adds all the excitement in this f'd up mess.....Kari Ann Peniche! Below is a brief little bio because really what do we know about Keri Ann besides she currently hold the title of crazy meth queen. Really crazy meth queen!

Okay she was born and 1984 and was a pageant girl. That's what I'm getting for profession and career. Okay whatever let's move onto the good stuff.....
In September 2006 Aaron Carter, then 18 years old, proposed to Peniche while they were onstage in Las Vegas, Nevada. They had known each other five days. Peniche, who had previously dated his older brother Nick, agreed. The engagement was broken off six days later. On August 17, 2009, a home video was posted on the website Gawker that showed Peniche with married couple and actors Eric Dane and Rebecca Gayheart. All three are naked, though the video does not contain any sexual acts. Starting in November 2009, Peniche appeared as a patient on the VH1 television show Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew, a documentary series about the treatment process for sexual addiction (filmed in April 2009) at the Pasadena Recovery Center (PRC). Peniche described herself as having hundreds of lovers, but being unable to emotionally connect with anyone or have any kind of relationship. Peniche's participation in the treatment program was marred by her aggressive and erratic behavior; verbally abusing the staff and other patients, refusing to participate in group discussions or obey rules, and voicing various bizarre or paranoid ideations, such as that people were laughing at her when they clearly weren't and smiling uncontrollably even when she was angry or discussing very sad topics. Dr. Pinsky, the treating physician, became suspicious that she was using illicit substances such as methamphetamine or had been prior to being admitted, and the staff psychiatrist diagnosed her as having Borderline Personality Disorder. It was indicated that both conditions require treatment before any treatment can be done for sexual addiction.[15] Eventually, her behavior became so disruptive to the program that Dr. Pinsky was forced to discharge her involuntarily. Pinsky offered her an alternative program at a psychiatric hospital nearby, but she refused.[16][17] Her reaction to this perceived rejection was severe: she resorting to verbally abusing staff members and making suicidal gestures. A PE Team had to be summoned with the police for a possible involuntary psychiatric hold, but this was determined to be unnecessary. Peniche left the Pasadena Recovery Center, but threw a bottle of water at resident technician Shelley Sprague as she exited the program.

Later, during production of the third season of Celebrity Rehab, Peniche contacted Pinsky, asking for help. Pinsky explains that her aggressive behavior during Sex Rehab was derived from drugs she smuggled in a teddy bear, and which were difficult to detect during drug testing because of the medication Peniche took for attention deficit disorder. Pinsky went to her residence, where Peniche showed him the crystal meth she was using. She was shown returning to the Pasadena Recovery Center (PRC) at the end of that season's fourth episode. (wikipedia)


GREAT stuff! I personally love Keri Ann. She may be temperamental at times and act absolutely insane at others, but I believe she is just a troubled girl who really needs her family! Where are they? The borderline personality disorder also adds a lot to why she acts the way she does and the fact that she has been using Meth really makes the spark in her character. If you use for a long time you're going to have a horrible time coming down and facing life soberly again. I guess that's what this sober house is about. We had out own version of "Keri Ann" when I was in my place of rehabilitation. The girl was awfully mean to us but I knew she had a good heart and was just going through a lot of horrible things.

My favorite is when Keri Ann enters the Sober House, fails her drug test, and then swears she didn't do it and starts throwing on of her classic fits. I wish the best for her and also wish her a clean and healthy lifestyle. Getting off drugs isn't easy kids so when you watch these shows and see the trama that occurs, just remember that.

Peace & Love

S

Measure Your Life In Love

Just a quick reminder to all......please don't forget to participate in this weekends cause that is very near and dear to my heart. The great cause is called TWLOHA-"to write love on her arms", is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

To Write Love On Her Arms Day is a day where anyone can write the words love on their arms, to support those who are fighting against depression and those who are trying to recovering. On this day, just write love on your arms, and show it off, other people will ask why you have love written on your arms, and you tell them you are supporting to write love on her arms day, and how its benefiting a non profit organization helping stop depression, and make love the movement.

Thank you guys sooo much and please upload your photos up to "And Who Are You Again" and we'll make a special section!

Below is the link and please rsvp attending. It would mean the world to me.
http://www.facebook.com/#!/event.php?eid=210328952677

Peace & Love to all......xoxoxoxo

S

Ignorance is Bliss

I've sat here for over two hours now trying to complete what I want to get through and come across in this piece. And over and over I have deleted. I think what is so difficult for me to suceed in my view for this piece is that I cannot fully demonstrate a fulfillment of either side. Do I believe "ignorance is bliss"? Yes. Do I believe "ignorance is bliss" has cracks? Yes.

This all came about when I was dealing with my insane insomnia that has been out of control for the past couple of weeks , when I came across an amazing episode of House. The storyline basically consisted of a genius who was an addict, 1st to pain pills, then to cough syrup(this man was doing what is called "robotripping" and from what I can come up with from research online it is when you take like a bottle or two of syrup containing dextromethorphan and you get a hallucinating high.) After they cleansed him of all the dextromethorphan in his system he came back to reality. He has been using for 12 years and did not want to come back down where he came from. Suffering from major depression and a dislike to like, he found it much better to be high and happy. In the end House gave him back his cough syrup. Now as some of you say why would he do that......but why wouldn't he do that?

I know why.

.....to be continued. Like I said I have rewritten this a million times. Maybe as I write in my journal it will come out tonight and I can portray it. I'm sorry.

Parental Discretion Is Advised

Photo looks like a pile of candy doesn't it!?

Like I said from the start of this whole writing thing, and I did give fair warning if you had the time to read my "info" section on here, that there would be talk about Pain Management......and well today is the day. We're gonna do a little talk about all the lovely pills of the world....benzo's, opiates, amphetamines and much more. 1st off though I would like to state Do Not Do What I Do. I am a highly experienced pill popper and have done days and days of research over the years. I am also, if you can't notice, a huge hypochondriac. So before I touch any type of medication that my doctor suggests or someone might give me I do a lot of researching, unless I have already taken it before.

Well tonight I was in for quite the surprise. I have been sick for almost 3 weeks now and although it is probably just a virus that needs to get out of my system, due to my huge anxiety disorder(I think I am ALWAYS dying), I decided that it was in my best nature to go back to my doctors office for a little visit. All was fun and games until tonight when I pull out the informational guide on a antibiotic I was given for my head and chest. I'm getting better at trusting the doctors and letting them give me what they want even though I usually like to diagnose myself and choose what I take. I should have stuck to my guns today because whatever the hell antibiotic I was given has warnings of DEATH! That is why I am up right now writing this because I cannot sleep! I even took an extra klonopin to calm me but that's not working so now I'm just going to not sleep cause I'm a hot mess from reading this info on the great Avelox.

"Avelox can cause effects that may be serious or even cause death." Great!

You know how there has been a huge outbreak of prescription drug overdoses? This is why! No one reads the pamphlets and even though I LOVEEEEEE my peeps at my target pharmacy who know my name, we chat more about fun stuff over the risks of the meds and how if they are mixed they could be dangerous. I do this on my own. I have had panic disorder since I was 21 so believe me I'm checking if my outside pharmaceuticals mesh ok with my normal daily ones. Here are a few tips I've caught onto over the years to make sure that I, myself, have never od'd.


Top 10 Things You May Not Know About Prescription Meds:

10. Do not ever mix the same class of drugs together when taking opiates and benzo's.
No cocktails of klonopin, xanax, and atavan. Or perc's, vic's, and lortabs. That's a death sentence.

9. ALWAYS read what you are taking. I mean I may die tonight because I decided to be a hard ass today and take this "avelox" without reading!

8. Crazy things can happen when on Ambien if you don't put yourself to bed right as you take it. I had a friend who redid her entire closet one night and didn't remember ANY of it!

7. Be like my Dad. His doc put him on Lipator and my Dad REALLY REALLY didn't want to be on it so the next time he went to his cardiologist he brought in 20 pages of research on the negative affects of the drug. He no longer has to take Lipitor.

6. On a psychiatric point of view you MUST do your work. Especially on anti-depressants. I believe asking people and friends that you know that have been on them so you can get a clear idea. Doctors probably have not been on then so what they suggest is usually shit!

5. Don't get addicted to tranquilizers. Benzo's(atavan, xanax, klonopin, valium), and alcohol are the ONLY drugs you can die from withdrawal from. I know that sounds nuts but it's the truth. I wish I was never given any of them but that's what they give you when you have anxiety disorders and you're basically immediately screwed. It's amazing what they can do but is it worth the price in the long run?

4. If you are in pain always get a narcotic(I prefer a good percacet or lortab.) Anti-Inflammatory pills are a bore and do not work. I had to learn about all of this pain management business this summer when my 2 bulging disks in my back left me barely walking.

3. It is absolutely fine to take adderoll and klonopin together or one during the day and one at night. The mesh well together. I don't take adderoll but some of my friends do that are still in grad school.

2. No matter how bad you want to sleep DO NOT MIX YOUR DRUGS!!!!!! I used to do this and then I learned of Heath Ledger. He and I were basically taking the same things minus the oxycotin. I've discovered Benedryl can be a great sleep aid and its safe with everything.

1. When given a cough always get one with a narcotic because I know for me, I'll be up all night coughing and that is just misery and like I always say....life is too short to be unhappy. TussionEx, Promethazine(purple drank for you rappers out there, and Hydromet are the best and you will sleep great!

Hope I could help next time you need to take a drug!

Peace and Love

S

Wipe Their Eyes, And Then Let Go

*This is a true story that I am putting myself on the line to help others. Do not read if you are a person who judges because this is real life and real situations. Thank you.

It all started when I was 15. I had no idea what was going on and why I had felt like this. Felt like dying. I had no idea on the subject and the only case of suicide I had even heard of was that of Kurt Cobain. (I loved Nirvana's music back then but it wasn't until I was much older did I decide to study Kurt and why he did what he did. And people can ask me why I really feel a connection to him and to me it's obvious. We had something very serious in common.) I began crying a lot, cutting myself(people always say eww to this but if you've ever been where I was, you will see its quite normal for the depressed to want to try to disguise the mental pain by inflicting physical pain upon yourself), losing weight, and not socializing. I couldn't tell anyone what was going on because I didn't know what it was. How do you tell your parents that you're thinking about death every hour that you are awake? I went out and bought the book Prozac Nation. Kept it under my bed and read. I learned I was suffering from the disease Depression. I told my parents and was placed on Prozac and within a month I felt normal again. It wouldn't be until I was the age of 21, did the disease strike again.

While at college, my junior year, I began to see something absolutely crazy. I would wake in the middle of the evening with everything moving, my heart racing, my face a bright white, stumbling to the bathroom to vomit. I, and everyone else thought I had the flu, but after a couple days of this I knew I did not have the flu. I stayed up for 5 whole day and nights. After visiting the ER with a whole page of symptoms, they sent me home telling me a was a very healthy young woman and to not take pills that were not prescribed to me(I had taken a lot of adderoll a week prior for midterms.) Went back to my sorority house bedroom and felt a slight calmness and tried to sleep. Within an hour I was up again blurred vision, face white as a ghost, and vomiting. My mother came and got me. We went straight to the hospital in Pittsburgh and I received a diagnosis. Panic Disorder. I was placed on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety pill called Klonopin. College finished and I was still taking my drugs and feeling ok. But I had no idea what was to come.

At the age of 24, I returned home after leaving and living in NYC to pursue my dream of dancing and acting. I looked like a walking ghost. No soul, no anything. Stopped taking my anti-depressant and layed in bed for 3 entire months. Living off of Klonopin and water. I didn't even have the energy to do anything to myself, I only had the passive wish to God to please take me. My parents truly were lost and as much as the tried to help, nothing worked. Finally I was forced to go see a Psychiatrist and was placed back on an anti-depressant called Wellbutrin. The wonder drug actually worked, after many failed attempts of other anti-depressants. I was feeling like getting out of bed finally. I got a new job, went out with my friends, and tried to fix things with my ex boyfriend who I commend highly for having to witness all of this. His mother was horribly depressed so after he saw her behavior flaws in me, he really couldn't help me anymore. It hurt him too much. Same thing with my own father. My grandmother being a manic-depressive, he had to witness and live with something that he didn't understand at all. And he didn't want to see me like this so he tried to ignore what a position I was in. My mother, of course, was wonderful.

I moved out again and started my own life. I still constantly lived with infinite sadness but I just went through the motions and tried to be the best girl in her mid 20's I could be. At this time I had been through 3 horrible bouts of depression and still suffered daily from anxiety and panic. Also having a extreme addiction to anti anxiety pills, both Klonopin, and Xanax. I had a ton of self made coping mechanisms. 1st being food. I didn't feel like I deserved food but don't get me wrong I ate a TON when I could, but for me to gain weight, well that just couldn't happen. My bad days outweighing my good by over half left me under or around 90 pounds for years. Presciption drug abuse. And my infamous....alcohol abuse. I often drank until I forgot everything and anything. I did not want to feel like I do so I drank very much to get away from my life. Around 26 things started to go downhill at a high speed. The worst thing about depression is that you really never see it coming, in my case that I is. I suffer from chronic depression. A disease I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy. I did outpatient after outpatient program. I was placed back on Prozac but still lived with such anxiety that food, alcohol, and drug abuse were very apparent.

January 16th, 2009 my whole world changed. I had mentioned suicide to my therapist that morning, went to work, came home(I had just moved back into my parents and had been there for about a month while Talia and I looked for a new apt), and was told to call my therapist. She instructed me that she had called WPIC and reserved a room for me on the COPE unit where I was told I would be in a cozy setting with lots of other girls who looked very "tiny" like I did. I cried, said no, fuck you, fuck everybody, but she didn't really care and said "that's fine Sarah but if you don't go your parents and myself have the rights to commit you after your behavior at your last therapy session". So off to COPE I went.

My life locked up for 8 weeks in COPE coming up.....

-This story is far from finished and I am hoping I can at least reach out to 1 person out there that is suffering. If you are in crisis right now please call the re:solve hotline at 1-888-796-8226. If you want to call or talk to me send me a message and I will call you.