Your Guard is Up, and I Know Why....

I'm home right now in Pittsburgh, PA. Where it is currently(haha j/k, I meant permanently) raining, cold, dark, and dreary. While having a little time to go through my photo albums and boxes of books that couldn't make the move, I pulled out my 12 Step Book. Now not that I believe the 12 Steps work or don't work(I think that is up to you on how you wish to recover), but I do STRONGLY agree in Step 8 and 9! We'll get to that in a minute. I spent over half a year helping someone who used and abused me to death.....okay I'll take away the abuse.....no let's actually keep that in there because you did abuse me in the sense that I was on this earth to help them. Me, being the kind soul I unfortunately am, will basically help absolutely anyone who asks. I've been to hell and back a few times so I know what it's like and you sure do need that shoulder to cry on and a confidant who will never tell your secrets. So there I was helping, worrying, crying when they would disappear to go on a bender for a couple days and not tell me, and pretty much just walked all over. Being the state that they were in, I know from my personal experiences, they did not mean or even know that they were treating me this way. Anyways lets move on.

Back to Step 8 please-make a list of all persons we have harmed, and become willing to make amends to them all. DING DING DING!!!! Now that your sanity is restored I just have a little question.....where in the world is my letter? I'm completely being real right now and I'm feeling tonight and I want to know where the heck is my letter or my (9.)Direct Amends. Phone call??? And I wouldn't be going through any of this with my readers and the person this is directed to if I didn't have almost the exact same issues. I know we love and care for each other very much soo but when should I start to feel hurt from the lack of acknowledgement? Here's some tips dear on how you can fix this all up!

Dear Sarah,
Thank you for helping me through the worst part of my life and always being there for me. You helped SAVE MY LIFE.
Sincerely,
Blank

Done. Soo easy but I mean I would hope you'd have more to say than that but just that would be kind and recognizing Step 8&9 in the 12 Steps. Or even maybe like a "Thank you for keeping me out of even more trouble I could have got into and for ALWAYS helping me out financially. Ohh and keeping a huge secret that you could only talk to your therapist about." Love, BLANK

Either way done and done. I am soo proud of you and even more proud that you have found happiness. Not a day goes by when you don't run though my mind at one time or another. But this is how I am when I am in this town. Let's just say I am excited to get back to LA because at least there I focus on myself. I live to give others advice on some of the things I have went through, what it takes it pick it all back up, and how to live minute by minute-day by day. But I guess I did something wrong. Yes, I probably babied you too much but hey what else was I supposed to do? You were on a very low maturity level at the time and that's what I thought was best. I HATE tough love so I don't use it.

So my best suggestion is to hull ass to Hallmark, pick up a card and just let me know that you appreciated everything I have done. Your ********* have my address.

That's it. And you know what, I highly doubt I would be even thinking of this if I weren't in pgh. You and I both know how wonderful it is to escape from the past and start fresh. I hope you are somewhere gorgeous and the sun is always shining. Like we had planned before, you know you can always come where I am and stay for a year or two there. You're soo freaking sweet that I cannot be mad. This is more of a protocol thing. You know I don't ever have it in me to be mean to you.

With that all said, I am now going to go watch on Demand my favorite episode of Glee. It's titled Grilled Cheesus. Everyone watch it if you haven't already. It's one of my all time favorite episodes. Okay totally way off the subject there but do watch it! Moving on....

Everyone do not forget to say your prayers and keep your spirituality high. There is never a gift that is as precious as being happy and healthy so for all of you that are please remember that is a true blessing. I know you're there now.

Love & Loyalty

S

Meet Me in the Pouring Rain

So now that we have 1,000+ fans(ahhh thank you thank you thank you!!!), I think it's important that you know a bit about me and where I am coming from to get the full effect of "And Who Are You Again?" You know for those important questions you may have lingering in the back of your head like "Why the hell is this page called, And Who Are You Again?" Well it's titled that because when I was naming the blog it was the 1st thing that came to mind when I think about people. I cannot remember for the life of me peoples names or faces!!! It's a horrible trait and I wish I could change it but I've always been this way. I am working on it and especially with you wonderful fans that write me. I do always remember your names <3.

I'm a plain and simple girl who has always had enormous dreams and hope in life. I figure if you do not have dreams that life would just be soo boring. Even if your dream is to just be happy and have a family one day.........then I admire you very much so. I wish that mine could be that simple but I've always had huge crazy ambitious ones, but if you work hard enough ANYTHING can happen! Always keep your dreams alive! It's key. I'm a hopeless romantic. I am in love with love. I do believe in soulmates and finding that one that you literally cannot live without. I often catch myself daydreaming about fairytales, prince charmings, and those wonderful butterflies you have when you are in love. Love is CRAZY, just absolutely nuts! Why do you think they call is "falling in love"? I live for this(and my dreams). I've had to realize not all people are good people. This is something that I never wanted to see in anyone but this year I've learned that you cannot trust and love everyone, no matter how much you want to. Some people are just out there to pull you down and it's very unfortunate. You have to be strong and always remember that if someone is speaking poorly upon you, makes up rumors, or is just plain mean that it all just stems from jealousy and envy. If you've ever noticed.......no one speaks about someone else unless they have low self esteem or you have something they want. Don't ever lower yourself to talk about your haters. Keep your head up and never come down from the level you've worked so hard to be on. I sound like Rev. Run haha. He does always have the best hater tweets.

I have some very serious disorders that I am very open about talking about them to help other people and to just sometimes vent. Eminem does this best, but I try.You'll often see posts about depression, anxiety/panic, and addiction. I am obviously NOT shy about this and pride on being so open because I really like to help people that are suffering in silence to always message me and/or go seek help. Asking for help is the furthest thing from weakness. Asking for help means you have taken the steps in wanted to get better. It takes a very STRONG person to do this.

Music plays a HUGE part in my everyday life. It's one of the other things I live for. Music can change your moods, make you believe in something you thought you never would, see the many different moods and colors of life, and take you out of reality and into a world of make believe just when you need to escape. I love it all. I find every single artist fascinating with all these beautiful stories to tell. I also write a lot and would love to one day work as a songwriter. I think it's soo freeing to be able to get everything you want to say out on an album. Rock, Pop, Hip Hop, Country, all of it I believe is amazing. Some of my favorite artists include: radiohead, nirvana, eminem, britney spears, kanye west, the doors, courtney love, joseph arther, dre and snoop, just to name a very very small few. I love love love Taylor Swifts songwriting very much as well. She has this great thing about her that just really, and I know this sounds crazy, but makes you want to be a better person and always respect and love yourself more than you already do.

I give 100% at all times to all of my friends and family for they are the loves of my life. I think it feels so much better to give then to receive. There's just this little magic that you feel after you have donated, volunteered, or just simply make someone smile. You will often see me always buying small gifts for others if I see something I know they would love. I adore fashion and what fashion can do to you. Like often said, "What you wear and how you present yourself is often a silent way to express what you represent." It's a great way express your mood, personality, culture, and well just yourself. This is why I love fashion. I change expressions like everyday!!! hahaha. Organza Tulle is my favorite fabric......along with chiffon, lace, and silk. Ohh and ruffles......I can just wear ruffles for days. Gorgeous!

Performing and Visual Arts are life. Just take a look around you. I will never be a 9-5er but have so much respect for those that can be. Life would be just that much cooler if it were a musical. I mean come on......singing and bursting out into dance sequences can add sooo much beauty to the soul. I often almost and do wreck because I really get into my singing when driving. True story! Obviously you can tell this is what I was raised and trained in. I am madly in love with the arts. Rent is still and might always just be my favorite musical. My favorite song is Nirvana's "Dumb". I know ALL Britney Spears choreography. I'm moving to L.A. in January(I was supposed to leave today(the 28th) actually but of course things never work out on time damnit!) And I think that's it for today. Hope you enjoy my loves!

Peace & Love

S

*Please also note.....I have a huge problem with remembering to proof read. Literally my thoughts come and go so fast that I just write write and write so half my writings are disastorous but you can most of the time decipher it. Spell check??? I try.

Show Me Your Teeth

I feel like discussing fashion right now. You see I've been on a huge shopping spree(ok ok I lied it wasn't huge, I'm not rich, I just got my tax return and ya know it was time to spend since the Blizzard held me back last week). Let's just start with things I purchased. A strapless black crazy bird looking ripped up dress. It's fucking fabulous. I have been with Elizabeth and James from the beginning and I must say they are taking their pieces to a new level. When we 1st started getting E&J in winter '07 the line was basically an Olsen Twin. I was immediately in love. Gosh I can't remember my 1st piece from the line???? Humm I believe it was a white tee with a side pocket on the right. Ripped and used looking. Think Mary-Kate. But as I watch the line evolve I now see STAPLE pieces. FABULOUS staple pieces. Romantic blouses, tailored coats, and classic cocktail dresses with a twist. Over the past 4 years the line has, in fact, changed. Went from more of a rugged rock & roll look to a chic saavy rock & roll look. Anyways LOVE the line, always have and always will. Go on now and get your Elizabeth and James on!

And then I went on a search for a perfect pair of new jeans! I hate jeans actually and would rather wear a dress with ripped tights any day but you have to have jeans soooo....I tried a lot but finally settled on a great pair of J BRAND Denim Legging Low-Rise Skinny Leg jeans hahahaha. There is all the info on the fabulous piece of denim! Style # 901. Get them. You won't regret it. They make your ass look stunning and that's a promise(well you have to have a nice ass to begin with but you get the idea). I would have never thought to buy these great Denim Leggings if I hadn't purchased my 1st of Joe's Black Legging Pants, which I throw on literally everyday. So is you are behind on the new look(some bitch actually thanked me for being ahead on the trend. Duh!), I would suggest starting with the Joe's because they are a gift from God and then really just go and try on all the new delishious denim out there. These worked for me but maybe not for you.

And last I picked up a grungy looking tank dress by House of Gods. This line is dedicated to projecting rock and roll icons onto clothes. I love it! I love music, I dig the look of this line, and I just can't express how fond of it I am. So my dress has Iggy Pop on the front and his name on the back. It's done in a black, white, and grey. Although they are of course attached, the look of the dress is a black ripped up tank dress underneath and a smaller white distressed tank dress over top. Simply fab. I just tried it on with black fishnets and these amazing boots I purchased at PUMA. Just add some fun chain jewelry and a neon green Balenciaga and your good to go!

Be creative. Make your own style. Be yourself. And have fun with it. And if you have any questions I'm here for ya.

Peace & Love

S

P.S. I found the bag in the photo above on my favorite shopping site www.net-a-porter.com and its absolutely hilarious! Lets take it back to Season 2 I think of Sex and the City when Big gives Carry a bird clutch. Ohh sooo awful! But if you into that type of thing you an buy this baby for just $3,695. MUAH!

you turn every head but you don't see me

Short and sweet just wanted to say hi and hope everyone is well. Vamos RAFA!!!! Kicking some ass in the Australian Open! I'm off to nyc for the week to cause some trouble myself and hopefully kick some ass as well. I love the energy performers feed off of eachother. I can't wait to be around that again. I probably won't want to come home. Glad to be leaving after all the events that occurred and made me very sad this week. Trying to lift my spirits but last night I made a death mix. Totally made me cry all night. Set Fire to the Third Bar, Trouble, Hallellujah, Everybody Hurts, Something in the Way, Wonderwall(ryan adams version), Talk Show Host, and Strange and Beautiful. It's an awesom mix with amazing artists so if you feel like making a downer mix, I give this one props.

Well I'm going to try to get some shitty seats from a scalper for under $200 to go see lady gaga tomorrow night. She give me soo much energy and thats exactly what I need to start off my week. Lots of classes at my favorite studio-Broadway Dance Center, and being happy. Soooo Peace out loves and the blog will be back to normal when I return I promise. No more of this journal writing style stuff.

Treat yourself to something you love this week. I know I am.

Peace & Love

S