You Got the Power to Let Power Go...

**It hurts but I never show, this pain you'll never know
If only you could see just how lonely and how cold
And frostbit I've become, my backs against the wall
When push come to shove I just stand up and scream 'Fuck them all'** -drop the world

2011 Must Haves

10. Eat, Drink, and Be Merry. There is way to much pressure to be thin, not eat good fried food, not drink alcoholic beverages, not go to happy hour with friends but rather go to the fucking gym. This is BULLSHIT! Do whatever you want. Life is short. ENJOY it. If you don't want to go to the gym then don't. If you want that McDonalds Big Mac then have it. Being thin, eating lettuce, and living at the gym 6 hours a day does NOT = Happiness!!!

9. Get Out of Your Comfort Zone. We all get stuck in such a scheduled boring life that most of us forget to live a little or live at all. Go out and date someone who is the opposite of your usual. Dye your 6 different colors in a year(I don this all the time). Be mysterious. And never be that person that other people can automatically know your entire schedule of what you will be doing all week. Wake up, Work, Gym, Shower, and 2 hours of Television will KILL YOU. Leave it while you can.

8. Change your Career. There is nothing worse then being stuck doing something we do not like or ever imagined doing. Go back to when you used to have big dreams for yourself. If you have to, go all the way back to when you were a child. As crazy as this may sound, most of us know what we want to do from a very young age. Those of us doing something about it......maybe 1%. Don't be in that 99%. Look around at all the opportunities available and start making it happen. Don't be scared to leave your job. The only thing that is scarier is staying at your job unhappy.

7. Get Involved in a Charity That You believe In. There is literally nothing better than giving back. I don't even mean money wise. Even though being able to donate a couple thousand is a great stride, doing work for the charity and getting involved with those who it is for is even better. I have always wanted to work for Make-A-Wish. Although I tried numerous times to get a job with Make-A-Wish(the Pittsburgh/WV chapter), I never actually just volunteered for the cause. can you imagine the joy that will be brought to you and the young terminally ill child when you get to tell them that their wish has been granted? It must be one of the greatest highs you can get. Just remember whatever you do-Giving is always more rewarding than getting.

6. Be Spontaneous. This gets harder to do the older we get. I've noticed I'm not even that spontaneous anymore when I used to live by the words of Jonathan Larson "No Day But Today". It's never to let to get it back though. We do only have 1 day. No one knows what will occur tomorrow. And REALLY no one knows whats going to happen in the future. Sitting in your safe zone and going through the motions everyday, isn't living! Go and do the tings you really want to do. before you know it you'll be 50 years old with no great memories to tell your children. Nothing is worse than being boring.

5. Let Go of Your Heart. Don't ever hold back when it comes to love. Love fully and give your all. Yes, we all get nervous to let ourselves go sometimes when it comes to falling head first into love but it's just something you have to do. Don't be scared and if you get hurt, you get hurt. My heart has been broken a lot but you know what? I wouldn't change a damn thing about it. To love someone is the best feeling in the world. Being loved and cared about back is the other best feeling on earth. Live in the moment and say "I love you". As the old saying goes "It is better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all". Always remember this!

4. Be You. Why are we always trying to change for others? Why do we feel like we need others approval to belong? Society and the media built these rules about if we look this way, act that way, and follow these guidelines that life will just be that much sweeter. While in all reality it's actually making your life that much more sour. What happened to just being happy with just who we are? I refuse to give in to what is "supposed" to be. I am what I am and I won't and don't ever want to change that. I love myself for who I am and I hope you all do to. There is no time to try to impress others just to "fit in" when you are really just fabulous the way you are. Never change for anyone!

3. Have Fun. With everything so uptight these days(ex; not being aloud to have a fucking cheeseburger and coke when you want to because you're scared of getting fat), we all need to loosen up these days. Have fun in all spectrum's of your life. Love like crazy, stay up all night dancing the night away with your girlfriends, laugh soo hard that you cry, and always remember "no one makes the rules but you!" I think we have all in a way forgot about fun. We are soo absorbed in money, materialistic things, and beating out on our peers on who can have the most 1st, that we lost the fact that when old and reflecting; a Benz, how many pairs of Christian Louboutin's you have, and the size of your house, are not going to even come to mind. What does come to mind is the time and the fun you had with family and friends and the many many memories happy memories you have.

2. Lose Yourself. Put your all into what your are doing and have the crazy kind of passion that you usually only read about. Throw yourself into your dreams. 100% or nothing. Make it yours. You can do whatever you want but in order to do that and fulfill what you desire you have to "Lose Yourself" in the process. In a matter of times you'll slowly forget about the way you used to do things. You sometimes only get one shot so use the passion and love you have to get what or whom you want. Never hold back!

1. Best Friends. Over the past year and a half I have had this blog I ALWAYS, every month, make sure that at the top of the "Must Haves" list that Best Friends is always number one. I don't know about you guys but my best friends are my saviors, my life, my passion, my fun, my spontaneity, and my loves. Without my everyday talks with the people most important in my life, I don't know how I'd survive. I've always been extremely lucky and had many friends but it's those ones that are like family and can finish your sentences that are the best. I love my family and friends more than I love myself. And i don't even care if that's incorrect behavior because to me, without them, there would be no me. Love, help, cry, laugh, and sing at the top of your lungs with them! Friendships are sooo magical. They are your angels on earth. Be there for the good and the bad. Never judge them EVER! You are very blessed to have these people in your life! I love you to all of my angels. Thank you, thank you!

Peace & Love

S

Now I'm Standing Alone in a Crowded Room

Now time for November 2010's MUST HAVES......enjoy!

10. Haute Hippie. I love this collection and I think it's accessible and has pieces to fit every girls style. Try it out!

9. Taylor Swift's "Speak Now". Don't get me started. I just love this girl!

8. Kanye West's "My Twisted Fucked Up Fantasy". Or whatever our lovely Kanye named his album. As much as i rip on the man, I always say at the end what an amazing artist he is. Rolling stone gave this a perfect 5 star review so I think we all might wanna give it a go. Just remember never watch Kanye's "Movie" directer debut. It hurts.

7. It's almost time for the wonderful and great masterpiece called the mash up of Lanvin and H & M. I believe this is debuting the 23rd so be ready because I've heard of tremendous lines for it already. Even all the celebs I follow on Twitter are going to have their personal assistants in line for this. Also don't forget to watch the amazing preview video i posted a few blogs earlier.

6. Thigh Highs. These are soo hot right now and not just for the bedroom. Make a statement and get your inner Taylor Momsen out and just rock it! The main photo on this page shows a beautiful outstanding fashion statement. Thigh Highs from H&M.

5. Red Charte Chain Link Halter Bandeau Bikini. When is it ever not the right time to splurge on bikinis??? Never. I just found this and am desperately in love. Gorgeous huh!

4. Treasure Your Loved Ones. Everyone in this world messes up. Help others like you would want to be helped. Keep your head high and just love as much as you can. <3>

3. Rolling Stone. Eminem(my future husband) graces the cover this month with his hotness and a nice long spread about coming back from the hell and prison he was living under while under the influence of drugs. It came out today but due to living in Pittsburgh, I couldn't find it anywhere. See now when you live in say NYC or LA that shit is on newsstands by Wednesday.

2. iPod Nano generation 6. I think i said that right but anyhow, this little mini square of genius may be the coolest/cutest thing I've ever seen. If purchasing don't forget to purchase for (RED) which I'm sure everyone knows all about. Just in case you do not though (RED) is an organization who works with a lot of high profit companies, such as Starbucks and so on, who give up to 50% of the products profits to the Global Fund to invest in HIV & Aids programs in Africa. One of my favorite causes.

1. BEST FRIENDS!!!! Muah

P&L

S

I Was Enchanted To Meet You(pleasedontbeinlovewithsomeoneelse)

My little sweety pie, Taylor Swift, released her 3rd album recently and I just can't stop gushing about it! If you've been here from the beginning or just starting to read Andwhoareyouagain?, you'll notice I focus a TON on music. All music! I love it all but I a really soft spot for Taylor <3

I'm sure everyone can sing the chorus to Love Story and dance around like a dork like in You Belong With Me. Well I can too. Actually okay I'll just admit it......I'm like totally Taylor obsessed!!!!! I know every word to every song that she has ever sang. Sometimes I feel like she wrote these songs just for me, and I could care less what anyone thinks because T. Swizzle is the REAL DEAL. Not only is she one of the most amazing songwriters but she is also just the sweetest thing going. She's that girl that will stand outside for 18 hours, if it takes, to make sure everyone got to get a photo with her and her autograph. Shes just as madly in love with her fans as we are with her and that's a rarity now a days. I could go on for hours and hours about how much I love this girl and all but let's get right down to it. Let's "SPEAK NOW"!

Sometimes I hate Taylor because she puts these ideas in my head that I should do this and do that and this and that and ahhhh and before I know it I have totally lived one of her records! Shes that amazing. Ohh and btw 99.9 of her work is about boys and shes not afraid to name em'! Every girl.....literally, every girl, from age 5-105 needs this album in their life. I really don't know what else to say but......it's Taylor and she just freakin' ROCKS! Let's go through a few tracks...

MINE is her single that's out now. It's about actually not getting dumped, not running away, no bad guys, it's just a truly sweet song about someone being soo wonderful. A true love song. "You are the Best Thing that's Ever been Mine"



SPEAK NOW um f'ing fabulous and it's just what every girl has always wanted to do at one point. It's an amazing track based on "Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace". Did you ever notice no one ever speaks now???? I mean someone must want to. Well Taylor in her daydream does. She breaks that wedding up with no problem! Its such a fun song!!!! "don't say yes, run away now, I'll meet you when your out of the church at the backdoor, Don't WAIT or say a single VOW, U need to hear me out......and they said SPEAK NOWWW"



Dear John at 1st I kept skipping this but then then I started listening to it and it's the most beautiful song. To bad it's written for the asshole heartbreaker we all know as John Mayor! It's like hellloooo Tay....why you gotta waste such a beautiful song on such a loser? But in the end you'll actually begin to feel that you were just Tay, Jess, or even Jennifer Aniston. Sorry John. Love most your music but never ever would date ya. NOPE!





OMG I can't even do this review because seriously I love, can relate, can put ex's into, each and every song. That's the thing about T. Swizzle. It's like she's your new best friend. She reads your mind for whatever mood your in! Okay let's just do this I'll tell you my absolute favorite track and we'll call it a day. But PLEASE comment and let me know what your favorite track is!!!! Maybe we can even open a discussion about "Speak Now"! .........my favorite track from the Tayor's Speak Now Album is.............Last Kiss(with a side of Haunted) .....and I'm going to shut my mouth right there because ohhhhh do I have the perfect person and situation that went into that song. I almost wrote him a letter last week because of this songs power. BUT as Taylor would say "I dOn't thiNk YOu sHOuLd WaiT. I tHinK yoU ShouLD sPEaK NOW." I'll leave you now with the video of the 1st Taylor Swift song that grabbed me by the heart!OUR SONG!!!!









Peace&T.Swizzle

S

Meet Me in the Pouring Rain

So now that we have 1,000+ fans(ahhh thank you thank you thank you!!!), I think it's important that you know a bit about me and where I am coming from to get the full effect of "And Who Are You Again?" You know for those important questions you may have lingering in the back of your head like "Why the hell is this page called, And Who Are You Again?" Well it's titled that because when I was naming the blog it was the 1st thing that came to mind when I think about people. I cannot remember for the life of me peoples names or faces!!! It's a horrible trait and I wish I could change it but I've always been this way. I am working on it and especially with you wonderful fans that write me. I do always remember your names <3.

I'm a plain and simple girl who has always had enormous dreams and hope in life. I figure if you do not have dreams that life would just be soo boring. Even if your dream is to just be happy and have a family one day.........then I admire you very much so. I wish that mine could be that simple but I've always had huge crazy ambitious ones, but if you work hard enough ANYTHING can happen! Always keep your dreams alive! It's key. I'm a hopeless romantic. I am in love with love. I do believe in soulmates and finding that one that you literally cannot live without. I often catch myself daydreaming about fairytales, prince charmings, and those wonderful butterflies you have when you are in love. Love is CRAZY, just absolutely nuts! Why do you think they call is "falling in love"? I live for this(and my dreams). I've had to realize not all people are good people. This is something that I never wanted to see in anyone but this year I've learned that you cannot trust and love everyone, no matter how much you want to. Some people are just out there to pull you down and it's very unfortunate. You have to be strong and always remember that if someone is speaking poorly upon you, makes up rumors, or is just plain mean that it all just stems from jealousy and envy. If you've ever noticed.......no one speaks about someone else unless they have low self esteem or you have something they want. Don't ever lower yourself to talk about your haters. Keep your head up and never come down from the level you've worked so hard to be on. I sound like Rev. Run haha. He does always have the best hater tweets.

I have some very serious disorders that I am very open about talking about them to help other people and to just sometimes vent. Eminem does this best, but I try.You'll often see posts about depression, anxiety/panic, and addiction. I am obviously NOT shy about this and pride on being so open because I really like to help people that are suffering in silence to always message me and/or go seek help. Asking for help is the furthest thing from weakness. Asking for help means you have taken the steps in wanted to get better. It takes a very STRONG person to do this.

Music plays a HUGE part in my everyday life. It's one of the other things I live for. Music can change your moods, make you believe in something you thought you never would, see the many different moods and colors of life, and take you out of reality and into a world of make believe just when you need to escape. I love it all. I find every single artist fascinating with all these beautiful stories to tell. I also write a lot and would love to one day work as a songwriter. I think it's soo freeing to be able to get everything you want to say out on an album. Rock, Pop, Hip Hop, Country, all of it I believe is amazing. Some of my favorite artists include: radiohead, nirvana, eminem, britney spears, kanye west, the doors, courtney love, joseph arther, dre and snoop, just to name a very very small few. I love love love Taylor Swifts songwriting very much as well. She has this great thing about her that just really, and I know this sounds crazy, but makes you want to be a better person and always respect and love yourself more than you already do.

I give 100% at all times to all of my friends and family for they are the loves of my life. I think it feels so much better to give then to receive. There's just this little magic that you feel after you have donated, volunteered, or just simply make someone smile. You will often see me always buying small gifts for others if I see something I know they would love. I adore fashion and what fashion can do to you. Like often said, "What you wear and how you present yourself is often a silent way to express what you represent." It's a great way express your mood, personality, culture, and well just yourself. This is why I love fashion. I change expressions like everyday!!! hahaha. Organza Tulle is my favorite fabric......along with chiffon, lace, and silk. Ohh and ruffles......I can just wear ruffles for days. Gorgeous!

Performing and Visual Arts are life. Just take a look around you. I will never be a 9-5er but have so much respect for those that can be. Life would be just that much cooler if it were a musical. I mean come on......singing and bursting out into dance sequences can add sooo much beauty to the soul. I often almost and do wreck because I really get into my singing when driving. True story! Obviously you can tell this is what I was raised and trained in. I am madly in love with the arts. Rent is still and might always just be my favorite musical. My favorite song is Nirvana's "Dumb". I know ALL Britney Spears choreography. I'm moving to L.A. in January(I was supposed to leave today(the 28th) actually but of course things never work out on time damnit!) And I think that's it for today. Hope you enjoy my loves!

Peace & Love

S

*Please also note.....I have a huge problem with remembering to proof read. Literally my thoughts come and go so fast that I just write write and write so half my writings are disastorous but you can most of the time decipher it. Spell check??? I try.

This is How We Used to Make the Party Start

After skipping a month of 'Must Haves" due to I can't remember why I didn't do them. maybe August nothing was really that great to be had......but ohh don't you worry because September does! Enjoy loves!!!!

September Must Haves

10. The Pretty Reckless. Album release September 10th. Get on it.

9. Tights, tights, and more tights. This, to me is wayyy old news but for all you girls out there who do not already rock out mad tights, it's a essential for fall. If you really wanna have bad ass tights check out Ebay or any of my listed fashion sites. I bought the hands down most awesome tights recently from Revolve. Yeah the cost me $56, and that was at half off, but damn were they worth it.

8. Old School Albums. Dig through your CD collection or go to your local Record Exchange and pick up all your favs. Music was never better than when we were young so get to it.

7. Double Breasted Coat. Guys, this is all you. I know a lot of fashionable guys out there and they already know that this is Fall at it's finest.

6. Free Lil' Weezy.

5. MTV Video Music Awards. My favorite awards show hands down. Shit is crazy, fashion is crazy, and you never know if Kanye will cry or write an ALL CAPS blog the next day. Unfortunately they are being held in LA this year but it should still a good show. It's ALWAYS better when held at Radio City though. Nothing like that NYC energy!

4. Sony PlayStation Move. This thing is absolutely the shit. Google it and look it up for yourself but as my last review I read on it stated, "The technology is actually pretty similar to Nintendo's, but on Steroids!" Must have for any tech junkie. Sept. 15th UK release date. US still unannounced.

3. Dom Perignon-Andy Warhol Limited Edition. Simply fabulous and a wonderful collectors item for any Warhol fan. $229
2. Rafael Nadal. I'm sure your all sick of hearing me talk about him so I'll spare you but in the last and final week of the US Open he needs even more love then he already gets. Already has 8 Grand Slams under his belt but the only one missing is the US Open. I think this year is gonna be his year. Vamos!!!

1. Best Friends

Happy Memorial Day......I mean Labor Day haha

Peace & Love

S

Has the Moon Lost Her Memory.....Memories

This week I did entire sweep through of my childhood bedroom at my parents house. As I was throwing out the old.....and just kept throwing out the old, I came across a large box with a button for closure and a woman in a little black dress. It was my memory box I started back in high school. I hadn't gone through it in a while so I decided last night was better than any. And the things I found gave me the most joy.

From different ribbons I had to wear in my hair for performances, all of my Playbill books from the musicals and plays I've attended in NYC, to the menu from Lara's 25th birthday at Morton's and my audition sticker I wore all week at American Idol. While it's soo crazy seeing all these things at once, it is kind of unique how it is all in one box. Over 10 years of my life in this one box. A ton of concert tickets-Dr. Dre/Snoop 'Up in Smoke Tour', Bush, N'sync, Smashing Pumpkins......A Grandstand ticket to Preakness 2002 I was given by an older man because he thought I was 'very pretty'(Maggie! Remember this hahaha), endless numbers that were given to me to wear during every single audition for Ballet Summer Schools, and a small piece of the WVU newspaper stating that I was a proud new Sister of Kappa Kappa Gamma that starting to darken. These are literally some of the most wonderful times in my life so far.

And then there are the cards and letters. I don't hang onto cards, and all of my 2,000 hospital cards are in a separate bag, so these ones are very special. One is from Bekah in 2004. The front says 'I think I'm finally over my Bad Boy phase' then inside she jokes that maybe one day we will haha and nope not yet we both still love the bad. "I wanted to congratulate you on your jobs! I am soo happy for you! I know you'll start to love the city more than anything. I love and miss you TONS!" I used to cry to Bekah daily about how I didn't like living in the city. A huge envelope reads 'KKG' on the front and contains EVERYTHING from rush week and pref night(which I tried to get out of because i wanted to go home to see Britney Spears). Kappa kind of, in a wierd way, created my life. Every single girl, every single date party, and every single sleepover.

These girls mean the WORLD to me. I have no idea who I would be without them. I am soo lucky to have the same girls I met in 2000 to still be the girls I talk to everyday ten years later. I love them soo much and I have to shut up about sorority because I am beginning to cry my eyes out. Another card I found is from Whitney. She gave it to me a few days before she graduated and we both were having a hard time leaving eachother. "You are such an important factor in my life. You are unlike anyone I have ever met and I feel soo lucky to be friends with you. I have someone in my life that buys a $30 Fairy to hang above your bed that you call and sleep in "the princess loft" and does Britney Spears full out for anyone who asks. You are like a walking happy pill for me. I don't know what I am going to do without you next year. I love you soo much. Your one of those people I am really scared to leave because I wonder how I am going to do without you around on a daily basis." I love that card and I was just in Whitney's wedding last weekend. We have a beautiful friendship. I must mention this card from Maggie as well. I believe from what can figure out that this was sent when I was in my 2nd deep depression. "You are not anyone to me; you are the "anyone" that I tell everything to. I know you are going through a really hard time but we are best friends and WE are going to get through this together. I promise that we are going to look back on this one day and laugh(NO I remember that was a HORRIBLE time. No laughing now or then.). Do and go where you and what you need to be ok & don't think about what everyones going to think. I can't wait to watch Uptown Girls with you for the millionth time! I love you. L&L"." As we all went through our times, we had a horrible time when we lost Allison's little brother to depression resulting in suicide in 2004. I have the tiny blue folded paper with a blue bow that states "In Loving Memory". I always used to tell Allison that I wanted to marry her little brother he was soooo cute. Scott's death had a huge impact on Michelle and me. It still does. She's my little sister and best friend.

Jackie, a high school friend, wrote me a funny letter and I just found a part that I just adore. "I'll always remember you as the cute little ballerina who wears designer clothes(duh) and red lipstick. The girl who decided to dye her hair bright red one day(shut up how funny is that because I just did that now 14 years later!). I really want to stay as cool as we are now. I feel like I am losing a part of myself. P.S. You and Chris Mowod are going to get married just accept it." So funny. Red hair, designer clothes, and Christopher. There are lot's of acceptance and denial letters from Ballet Companies from all over the country, Britney Spears 1st album booklet, sticker photos of Janiene and everything N'Sync. A note from Justin right before we did his choreography in the student choreography show......."Thanks for doing this though it's been hell!I love you and you have a great future in store for you. Break a Pointe Shoe!" Aww I remember I wore make up that night. Like a lot! haha. Hospital bracelets, and a million 'Good Luck' 'Break a Leg', tiny cards from all the many many performances.

To finish this up I will let you read the a letter I wrote to my crush. He was in 5th. And I was really conceited. Just listen. "Here are some photos to remember me by! I'll miss you always!" Okay wait maybe we were bf/gf? Either way still not appropriate! Umm like who does that??? You would think I was giving him sexy photos. There are 3 photos inside. One of me on top of the podium having a gold meddle placed around my neck(conceited), a one sitting really proper doing my good side(conceited), and another in a black dress and patent leather flats about to go to the theatre(conceited). Too funny and just shows that people really don't change too much now do they. I hope you all enjoyed this and if you do not have all of your old memories together, maybe you should start a box as well. BTW as you see I did not bring out any of the folding notes from the boys. I'd be writing forever. Same with the 2 signing books and my high school diary. Another time.

Peace & Love

S

salfuh

Hello, Is It Me You're Looking For?

I'm late, I'm Late, For a Very Important Date! And that is for my delivery of the June '10 "Must Haves"! This month I feel there is so much to be looked upon before we get into fashion, restaurants, and what's in; let's make sure to also take a look remember that I always list the #1 must have is friends and that is for a reason. With those loving people around to make you laugh until your stomach hurts and watch as you make mistakes and get right back up and do it all over again, cry with them over the happy and the hard times, and be there while their heart is broken in two; Well then we don't really need much else. But let's get on with the list because if your going to fall you might as well do it at the right place and in the most fabulous shoes you own!

10. Glee-Showstoppers. I know, you probably knew that was coming but in all seriousness this album has absolutely moved me. Unlike the 1st part of last seasons music, I feel as through Glee took a different route for the second part of the season by covering a generous amount of gorgeous ballads. The 5th Dimension, Lionel Richie, U2, Luther Vandross, and a handful of outstanding musicals. Also featured are Kristin Chenoweth and Idina Menzel. Amazing!!!

9. Peroxide Blonde. I, myself, tend to keep my hair a pretty sunny blonde because if I go in the sun it gets pretty white and too much for me. But the trend of the moment is to go as blonde as you absolutely can. This look is amazing if you can pull it off. It takes confidence, a tad of an edgier wardrobe, and an amazing colorist.

8. Essie’s "Turquoise and Caicos" Nail Lacquer. Don't need to say much. It's great and I am still all about the greens and this is a great one. Also try OPI's "Teal Me If You Can & Catch Me In Your Net", Chanel's "Jade". Yes these were fall trends. But they are great so when a good one comes along just keep with it. I'm still a huge fan of Lincoln Park After Dark and Russian Navy(best color ever in my opinion).

7. Switching it Up. Try something different even if it's just changing up your wardrobe a hint. It will make you feel fresh and young. And if you really could use a change switch up your job, start your own business, move to a new city, or go after that dream that you still can't get out of your head when you were 10.

6. Eminem: Recovery. Eminem is a phenomenal artist. An absolute genius that cannot be reckoned with. In his 7th album Recovery, releasing June 22nd, he is going to use a more emotionally driven take. I believe I have mentioned that his album released last June, Relapse, had a major impact on me and others I know who are dealing with addiction and depression. I'm sure Recovery will even be a more positive influence. To me, listening to him speak the truth about what he felt and how he feels now really comforts me. Just listen to his single "Not Afraid." Goes straight to the heart.

5. Shoes That Pop. Solid with a solid equals gorgeous. Take your little back dress collection and add a fashionista twist to it fast by pairing it with a colored stiletto. This saves you money and time. Very simple way to look ahead of the game. You can also use this with your 'little white dress' that I mentioned was so in for Summer 2010. Thinks greens, blues, reds, pinks, and purples. You'll love this look. I promise.

4. Elizabeth & James Wrap Dress. This black dress is not your ordinary black dress. It goes above and beyond in every way possible. It can even be worn 6 different ways! I saw the dress on a hanger and passed it a few times. Then I just grabbed it and agreed to try it on. BEST dress a woman can own. If you are cautious of curves this may not be the way to go. The dress shows absolutely everything and the fabric, which is a stretchy silk, including being quite see through in some lighting. It's almost like wearing nothing but a skin tight nothing that grabs your curves. No bra or undergarments permitted. Your bf or gf will LOVE this! $395 and worth double!

3. The Tony Awards. Ahhhh soo excited! The Tony's always make me giddy. I mean what's better; all of the best in Musical Theatre and Theatre all in one place with live performances and awards! In high school when the Lion King opened the show, I was soo moved by the performance that I cried for 20 minutes. This Sunday @8pm!!! Learn it, Live it, Love it.

2. iPhone 4g. And yes this means I am finally getting myself a new phone! I will keep my original because I believe it may be extinct(Is anyone else still using the original 4GB?) The new version of the iPhone is sick. You can edit your videos, talk 1 on 1 with the built in web cam, and has a cute new square thin shape. Out June 22nd. To avoid those obnoxious Apple Store lines, you can start reserving yours on the 15th.

1. Best Friends!!!!!

Peace & Love

S

Hot Like Mexico, Rejoice

*to those who are lucky enough to have never fallen into the facebook black hole and do not have a facebook account, this blog can be skipped over by you. For you are the lucky ones that don't have to look at half assed crap that they create and change to put in our faces everyday on facebook. Thank you.

Dear FB,

We've been friends since 2004 so when I said to my best friend today that I was really about to delete my account, she said "whoa whoa whoa, let's not get crazy here. you can't delete your facebook!" With that said, no I really feel like I do have a super strong connection to you that could not be fulfilled by any other mega queer social networking site, but if you keep pulling these crappy changes on me I just might have to(don't worry guys....I'd keep the fan page up for AWAYA of course.)

Now in 2004 facebook was so simple and delightful. You signed on to your page and you could only join groups that were from your university and to sign up you had to go through your college email to do so. It was very safe and cool. You know no randoms were going to get to you. As we moved forward facebook progressed but still went to your page when you signed on and now you could add friends from different schools and you could be in groups from all over the world. But slowly facebook went downhill. 1st bad move on their part......they invited high school kids to be able to join. Very stupid. And they developed a horrible opening page which they called the "News Feed." Basically what this so called news feed was was basically a stalkers paradise. All your crushes, bf, and ex bf's status's on one page. Totally not cool. This is when people started to fall into the "fb black hole". With all this news feed info bouncing around in your brain you found it completely necessary to click on everyones page and look at wall posts, groups, and photos until you could see straight anymore. When you called your friends they were obviously on facebook. If they weren't on facebook they were obviously talking about gossip that they saw on the news feed. Or, the worst of worst, they were crying because there crush had just changed his status to "In A Relationship". Yes these are all true stories and I KNOW you all know what I am talking about!

My other HUGEEEEE issue is the facebook suggesting friends and pages to you. That was bad but I took it. Now it suggests that you look at your friends old photo albums! Like why in the hell would I was to look at a random friends album from 3 years ago!!!!! I don't think so. Or the best is is that FB tries to make you write messages or write on the walls of the friends that you barely speak to. They like to call it "reconnecting", I like to call it garbage. The whole system going on over on the top right side on the home page is garbage! I don't care is I have 58 friends in common with a person. I still prob don't know them. I went to a school with 26,000 other kids! Moving on.

Now, like last week I think, they thought it would be cool to just make us "Like"(btw WTF is "like" all about" everything and anything we had written in our profile. Now that was just NOT COOL fb, NOT COOL. Then I don't know where in the hell the cool groups I used to belong to went. Ohh wait I found them. They are on my homepage, not even in my profile anymore for anyone to see. Then to make everything even worse is a total F'd up move they did a few months ago. Now we can't even use the privacy to say what we want going up on our wall or not. So everytime you "add a friend", "comment on a photo", "write on someones wall", or breath!!!!! it is recorded to your wall.

I think it's time this all stops. There are NO age limits, No college email limits, and the worst is that even Parents are now talking about and joining Facebook. Just not cool, not cool at all. Everyone should just do Twitter. I actually prefer it. You tweet quotes to yourself or write FML 20 times a day, tweet to celebs, and Post pictures of car doors or whatever. And NO ONE EVER BOTHERS YOU!!!! Because they can't because no one can write on your page! It's amazing. follow my sweet ass @sarahhollock and you'll see how joyous this is. If anyone reads this that is a part of the FB team I just want to let you know that you have created a MONSTER. Thanks!

S

And I'm Like, Baby Baby Baby, Ohh

It's finally April, which means, it's finally going to get warm, which means it's time to throw on those sundresses, jam out with your windows down, and start moving on forward! Yes! But before that, you just must know..........THE APRIL MUST HAVES!!!

10. Justin Beiber. No explanation needed except he is just the cutest thing since cherry pie! Now I don't know what he sings or stuff like that but I do know he is a girl crazy little 16 year old who loves his fans. Nothings better then that! QT PIE!

9. Short Short Jean Shorts. The shorter the better and the more ripped the better. So start cutting up your fav old jeans or stop by any of your local jean boutiques to find the hippest shorts you can. They are my #1 choice of summer clothing. So believe me, give it a go! Your boyfriend will love you for it!

8. Eyelash Extensions. Who doesn't love an extra long thicker lash??? Well now instead of trying to add false eyelashes on your own or just piling on a ton of mascara until you look scary; you can now just get individual lashes applied(check with your local fabulous salons) by a professional and these should last you up to about 2 weeks. It's genius if you ask me!

7. iPad. Debuts April 3rd and is the newest product out by Apple this Spring. I, from what I get from it, guess it's kind of like a combo of a mac/iTouch??? As you see I will not be purchasing one of these so for all of you out there that do, I would LOVEEE your reviews!

6. Little White Dress. Just as we wear the little black dress as a staple we can now also add this in for a hot switch up in the spring/summer of 2010. It's going to be all about the "little white dress" this summer so when going to pick one out make sure the fit is perfected, accents your best features, and is appropriate for all occasions. Have fun shopping!

5. Glee. After a long four month wait, we can finally rejoice in my guilty little pleasure......glee!!! I, for one, cannot wait to see what songs will be sung, whats going to happen between Mr. Shuster and Ms. Pillsbury, will Quinn finally have her baby, has Puck gotten any hotter, and most importantly who are all the wonderful guest stars!!!! April 13th! Watch it.....you'll love it. I promise!

4. Winter Kate Cardi's. These fabulous sheer throw on's are a major must have. Straight from Nicole Richie's Winter Kate line, you can go check out the whole collection at your fav upscale department store or boutique(Sak's, Norstrom, Bloomies, Intermix, ShopIntuition, etc.)

We all know my horrible addiction for fabulous cardigans so I guarantee this will end up in my own closet quite soon.

3. Vaca's. Thank goodness the months of never spending more than 1 week in Pittsburgh are here! It's nice out and the roadtrips are calling. 1st stop Los Angeles for a couple weeks then off to South Carolina. And that's just April! Ohh just can't wait to lay on the beach! Treat yourself and get the hell out of town for a little. You would be surprised on what a 4 day NYC getaway can do for the soul!

2. Spring Cleaning. And no not actually clean. Yuck to that but I am talking about in with the new and out with the old! Get rid of half your wardrobe, get rid of that boyfriend or girlfriend you've been thinking about breaking up with forever, in with new habits and out with the old(whether they be good or bad....we all have them. But switch it up ya know?!), and just have fun! 1st step: Margs and Apps with old friends!

1. Best Friends. Obvi!!!

Have a fantastic start to the new season! Dream big, wish on stars, and fall deeply in love!

Peace & Love

S

I Left My Head and My Heart on the Dance Floor

Finally the March Must Haves are in.....and only 6 days late! Here they are and hope you enjoy.
....Have a glorious March and always remember beauty comes from within, you have the ability to do whatever your little heart desires in this world and can make it happen with hard work and will, and always love. Without loving you do not have much. Muah! God Bless!


10. Drink a Green Beer! In honor of St. Patrick's Day all of the true Irish men, women , and a TON of other heritages come together in celebration and drink drink drink! Some may get arrested, others may have just 1 too many car bombs. But no matter what, it is always a day to remember! I, personally, cannot do St. Patrick's Day due to past years of over intoxication, and making out with too many boys have on those dumb pins that say "kiss me I'm Irish" in the past. Eww I mean I don't even know why I do that. I'm not even into blond hair and blue eyes. My party is and has been over but have fun the rest of you!

9. Get through this slushie snow melting month with a cute pair of Wellies. Burberry and Kate Spade have some very cute ones as always but I am going to go with my all time favorite Hunter wellies. Hunter wellies in black or any solid color for that matter are a great staple piece for every shoe closet and sell at only $100.

8. Eat me, Drink me, Johnny Depp me. A ticket to go see Alice in Wonderland in IMAX 3D! I'm going to go this evening I believe . I just cannot wait!

7. A ticket to the T. Swizzle show! I have a second chance at my dream to see Taylor and this time it just must come true. She's going to be playing in LA the same time I will be there. Coincidence? I think not. It's fate.....and I will not be late!

6. Metallics and Sequins round 15. You know I looked in a lot of mags and all I found out about March that metallics and sequins were STILLLLLL going to be popular. I believe this to be last years news but hey if you didn't hear it then here it is. (Not a complete must have for me).

5. Biotin! So last night my friend Dominiques hair was almost down to her waist. It looked phenomenal! How did she to it. She was soo over her fine, never seeming to grow, hair; so she took a lovely trip to GNC. She was going on and on to all of us how much this little Biotin pill has done for her. I'm going to give it a go for sure. Also works for nail strength.

4. Blue, blue, blue. Blue is the new black of the moment. It's a gorgeous blue really. A blue lagoon blue and a Peacock blue. Gorgeous, just gorgeous! This goes for women and men!!! Come on guys work with me.

3. eBuddy app for iPhone. I rarely get on the computer to check my facebook or my gmail. This is an app that is not particularly for me because I would prefer talking on the phone rather than through text or through any online chatting system. But for you that do, this application is a must! It lets you be on your facebook, aim, gmail, and whatever other chat systems exist out there, all at once! To me it's a headache, to teenagers it's absolute heaven!

2. Jean Leggings. I got my first fair of jean legging's last month. These wonderful J Brand pants were a must for my closet. I live in them basically just like my black Joe Leggings. And the best is that they make your butt look mmmm soo good!

1. BEST FRIENDS.

Peace & Love

S

We Set the Fire to the 3rd Bar

Whoo hoo I am just soo excited to give you February's Must Haves!!!! I wasn't able to do a January due to my busy schedule so this one might go beyond 10 but that's just because I have soo many wonderful things you all need to put in your life! I hope you enjoy my loves.....

12. Urban Decay's Alice in Wonderland Book of Shadows. This is an adorable book of shadows created just for the upcoming release of Tim Burton's "Alice in Wonderland" starring none other than my favorite hottie, Johnny Depp. This is a perfect thing if you're late for a very important date!

11. High Top Sneakers with Ripped Up Fishnets. I've been seeing this look a ton on photoshoots and spreads and I am LOVING IT! Now you can throw a higher sock on with this as well. I'm ehh ehh on that. If you do keep it hot by doing a Miu Miu sock.

10. Good Health. I am so thankful that all of my family and friends are in good health, including myself. Whether it be through prayer, love, or wishes please always keep this as an everyday reminder of how grateful you should be.

9. O.P.I. Moon Over Mumbai polish. I've been keeping this polish my dirty little secret for the past couple months but I want to share the love. This Greyish White polish is fabulous and a must have for your collection.

8. A Twitter Account. I have NO IDEA how this happened but I am just obsessed with Twitter! It may be because I can freely stalk my soulmate Tyson Ritter, or ask fashion questions to Guilinana and she'll answer. It takes a couple months to get into but I promise you'll like it. Follow me if you already have on @sarahhollock

7. Glee: Road to Sectionals. Okay I don't know what else I can say about this show but it's just absolutely amazing. The talent of the cast is out of this world and I promise you before you know it you'll be making "mash ups" of your own. A MUST HAVE for any music/musical/awesome, person! Just do it. I promise you won't regret!

6. Passion. This is such a key in life and without it you don't get too far. You have to find what you love and live it. A dream that you had from since you can ever remember. Go after what you want. You don't live this life ever again. So instead of sitting there in a job you hate, take a chance and jump. Even though you may fall.....you tried and you can just get up and do it all again!

5. Sunglasses. You can never have too many pairs and gosh are these great when running around and looking grungy with a great pair of shades on. So I was just in NYC and I totally stocked up on Canal Street. I own four pairs of "real" sunglasses that I have paid a lot of money for so when I was looking I really knew what to look for. Dude these fakes are sooo just as good as the real. And if you lose them you won't freak out because you just lost $350.

4. Shop Intuition line at Target. Now I have been a fan of this boutique in LA since I was in college. I remember ordering everything I could get my hands of from here for Christmas's. Now you can get some adorable pieces at your local Target. Don't you just LOVE Target?! Right now there are 2 amazing scarves, an awesome rocker chic chain necklace, and tie died headbands like the one I have on in my fabebook profile pic. Go get it all now cause it quickly disappears!

3. O.P.I. Mad as a Hatter polish. The cheapest way to switch up your style in this time of economy stress is to switch up your nail lacquer. This is part of a four shade collection they did for Alice in Wonderland. Go get to your nearest salon now and treat yourself!

2. Elphaba Wicked Wand or a Galinda Popular Wand. Whichever character you choose to prefer you can now own the powerful wands these two amazing witches own. I personally love the Wicked Wand and I also believe to get through this life, it's much more fun to have a magic wand to wish your way around! Now you can fly high and defy gravity!!!

1. And most importantly....Best Friends!!!

Peace & Love

S

Riders On The Storm

As I was sitting here this morning writing my New Year's Resolutions, I was reminded that I had never made New Year Resolutions before because I never really thought I'd make it through another year. But here I am and I'm confidant I'll do great in 2010 so I am definetly going to complete them. But before I can get to those I would like to rewind to the beginning of 2009. This year has been a whirlwind to say the least and it has been one of my favorite years ever even with the horrific events.

It's all kind of blurry. Like blurry enough to say I don't remember the 1st 15 days of January but an old bank statement tells me I shopped at Nordstroms, Burberry, and I rented movies from blockbuster. Other than that, I have NO idea besides I was working a lot. On the 16th I was admitted into COPE on the 8th floor of WPIC. I think if I hadn't gotten help on that day, even though I went kicking and screaming, I wouldn't have lasted much longer. It's crazy what malnutrition can do to the brain. It erased my memory and as I read about all of this craziness I found that to be common. I didn't progress fast and I wasn't aloud out until I got my weight up to 105. So at 83 pounds, 105 really didn't seem that far but it's wayyyy more difficult than that. This was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done and hope to have ever done in my life. Not being aloud freedom for 56 days will really make you appreciate everything just a tad bit more. Just the thought of being able to drive again seemed like a luxury to me. I was finally discharged. Much bigger, and much happier due to my savior of a psychiatrist. I also left with amazing friends, people who understood me, really fucking cool people. I was rarely in Pittsburgh and spent most of my time traveling and visiting my best friends. It was definitely something I needed to do because after something like that you really just need to get out of town. I dated a lot and found a touch of love in each one. The rest of the year was dedicated to me staying healthy and happy. In which I did but I have a LOT of people to thank for that; Maggie Andres, Emily Kinnard, Kara Santilli, Liz Greim, Kalie Davis, Joanna O'Donelle, Kate Gross, Kate Pawlowski, Noreen Daniello, Leah Swanson, Jen Aikens, Tiffany Hadley, Shelly Kocsuta, Liz Duigou, Ashley Madia, (Erin, Scott, Megan, Sasha, Sarah, Nicole), Michelle Mantooth, Tera Bowden, Whitney Moore, Aaron Brehove, Bekah Cann, Allison Connors, Carolyn Romano, Blare O'toole, Keith Gerlack, Maggie McKee, Anna Wolf, Whitney Brown, Lara Patrinos, Ryan Mullen, Laura Leimkuler, Katie Newcamp, Julie Eisert, Michael Burns, Dominique Deliere, Melissa Koestner, Joe Johnston, and my dear dear supportive family.

Now I would like to put out my inputs on what was the best and what was the worst this year!

Music that I listened to most....old and new!
-Lady GaGa. She's my inspiration currently. Amazing artist.
-Radiohead.
-Nirvana.
-Britney Spears. I really hope she is free again soon. Can you imagine living under a conservatorship at 28? Bless her heart. I'm glad to see she's doing better. I hope it continues.
-Eminem. If you don't already have Relapse, please go get it. Especially if you ever suffered from depression. This album helped me.
-Taylor Swift. This little one is simply a spot of sunshine. AMAZING!
-Muse.

Favorite songs of 2009!
-If U Seek Amy
-Paparazzi
-3am
-Beautiful
-You're Not Sorry

Most inspirational people!
-Barak Obama (sorry Blare)
-Taylor Swift
-Eminem
-And my best friends!!!! You're all my biggest inspiration.

Favorite Books This year!
-I really cannot do this because I read the same books over and over and over if I really love them. There are a couple new ones I discovered that I love and you should check out too.
-Chelsea Handler's Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea.
-Marya Hornbacher's Wasted...A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia
-Cobain-By the Editors of Rolling Stone. yes yes I know another Kurt book but this one is awesome. It's basically great stories of the time all of these journalists spent with him. More as a celebration on his life then the usual tragedy piece.

Favorite in Sports!
-Rafael Nadal. Enough said.
-Also congrats the Steelers and Penguins for making my hometown the "city of chamions"(that's for you Bek)

Well that's about all on 2009. If any of you are wondering.....yes, I am still living like a complete gypsy and loving every minute of it. I really do miss my books, CD's, and DVD's though, and my beautiful bed, and my many vintage decorations. But most of all I miss my gorgeous fairy that hangs from my bed post. Can't wait to have the things back in my life when I finally settle somewhere but as for my plans for 2010, settling somewhere is not involved by any means!

Live, Love, Laugh, Dance, Sing at the top of your lungs, Be Crazy, Never Quit Your Dreams, Always go after what and who you want, Go to the Movies by Yourself, Treat Yourself once and a While to Something You Can't Afford, Fall Madly in Love even though You may Get Hurt(story of my life! but I wouldn't trade it for a thing), Spend Ever Extra Second with Those You Love, And NEVER settle for Anything Less than Butterflies!

Life is too short and you truly NEVER know what day may be your last. I think I'm madly in love with my new positive outlook haha!

Peace & Love,

S

You Are What I Never Knew I Always Wanted

Here are just a few random questions I had answered in May(2 months into my recovery.) I just found them and I think they are a pretty encouraging and strong for the state I was at. I hope some of them can help you and if you have any questions you know, I'm just message away!
1. Okay let’s just start off with I’ve been through a lot of shit and w/out it all…..good and bad………I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

2. Dancing is my therapy. I would be dead without dancing. It’s just something that my spirit has to do.

3. I don't plan or ever plan on planning out my life. I like to live spontaneously just day by day. I love having the courage to just pick up a suitcase and take off for a few weeks. I believe in living fully and just feeling free and liberated. I hate being under any restraints.

4. I’m 5’5’’ and 108 and am IN LOVE with my body and am soo happy to be able to say that! I think it’s soo beautiful. If I could walk around in underwear and a bra I totally would!

5. My absolute favorite thing in the entire world is to sing and dance. It’s the greatest high in the world for me.

6. I have a highly addictive personalty and have gone through times where this has actually gotten me into trouble and is also something I struggle with everyday. It get’s easier with time.

7. I like to drink my coffee at night.

8. I’ve met some of the most amazing people in my life. Some of them in bad situations, others in good. They all made a marking on my soul.

9. My favorite sports figure is Rafael Nadal. He’s the #1 tennis player in the world and is drop dead gorgeous on top of it. Vamos Rafa!!!

10. There are a lot of shallow people in the world and they can make up rumors and assumptions and they will haunt you. I just now got thicker skin and learned to cope with it. A lot of people talk and have NO IDEA what it's like to walk in my shoes. But I am a strong girl and I have a lot of strong friends by my side.

11. I love Kurt Cobain and what he brought to this world artistically. I am still enormously intrigued by him. He and Britney are the only people I can say I have been actually obsessive about. I just wanna learn everything!

12. My sorority sisters, and I know this sounds soo cliche, but I don't know where I'd be without them. It's like they breathe for me when I can no longer breathe.

13. I know the choreography for EVERY Britney Spears video and concert performances. Literally.

14. I adore animals and cannot stand animal cruelty. Breaks my heart in half. I am a proud member of PETA.

15. I'm a hopeless romantic and believe in love stories, fairytales, soulmates, and so on. Nothing makes me happier than being in love.

16. I figure skated for 7 years. And after that I took up dancing full time and was studying to become a ballerina.

17. I read and listen to music at all times. A few of my favorites are Eminem's Relapse, Taylor Swift, Radiohead, Nirvana, Lady GaGa,

18. I failed my driver’s license test 6 or 7 times. Hahahaha

19. I lived in NYC after college and the second place I lived I had to share a bed with Alia for 1,100 a month. You soo get nothing for your money there but it is totally worth it.

20. I think I was a European(in Barcelona, Spain haha) in my previous life. I really don’t believe in this fast paced American living thing that we have going on. If you look at other countries life is more laid back and enjoyed.

21. Michelle and Aaron are my sister and brother.

22. I miss Tera and wish she lived closer. We have a crazy kind of friendship that will never die. She’s the love of my life.

23. 4 inch stilettos are my favorite. I like to be 5’9’’.

24. I’m a pretty cool girl. And I love to make people laugh.

25. I go through life like a karate kid. -BS

Peace and Love

S

I'm A Free Bitch Baby

These are always my favorite blogs and I only get to do them once a month. It's December's Must Haves!!! Due to it being the holiday I will post another must have later on in the month for great gift ideas but for now just please read carefully and follow!

10. The 20th anniversary Bleach album. Nirvanas 1st album now comes with a special live concert of bleach taped in Aberdeen, Washington and has a great photo book of unseens. I LOVE it!!!

9. For my tennis lovers. Strokes of Genius. This phenomenal book gives you a play by play from the locker room to the awards ceremony of what is now known as the greatest match ever. This book and the DVD of the Wimbledon match would be a perfect gift. Federer and Nadal at their best.

8. Tons and tons of candles! Make your house or apt smell like a sugarplum for the holidays! Also a great idea for a romantic night in.

7. Eminem's Relapse album. If you want to really know what its like to be addicted and relapse and get inside someones brain who has then you need this CD. I know I am late about getting it but I did and it's been playing off the hook in my house and car.

6. Wink and Whisper fishnets from Victoria's Secret. If you love Lady Gaga's Paparazzi video and want to try to interpret look #1 then these are a must. They are the nude fistnets with the black seam up the back. Very very hot!!! Of course I own and rock them constantly!

5. A Theory, to the knee, down coat. Best investment ever. These coats are priced around $600 but the warmth that they provide is priceless. Mine has a bow around the waist. LOVE!

4. Cocktail Dresses and Suits. You can never have to many and with all these Christmas parties they will be in use. Make you and your boyfriend/girlfriend stand out. Always be the best dressed!

3. Lady Gaga's Fame Monster CD. No explanation needed.

2. A ticket to Florida States bowl game to see the most amazing coach of all time, in action for the last time. I plan on making a documentary of the week with my camcorder with VERY exclusive interviews! Wear your Garnet and Gold wherever you may be!

1. Best friends......pamper your best friends with little gifts and cards this month. It's a month to love and be thankful and you should be thankful most for your best friends and your family!

Peace and Love

S

Imagine All The People

Today was, by far, the hardest day I've had to get through since I got out of COPE. I went into it last night very positive and as I said my prayers I did ask for help with today, but it was just a little too much to handle. Mostly it was the memories. I don't remember my last 3 Thanksgivings. For good reason of course. The last 2, I didn't even attend due to my depression. Although I am a very happy woman right now, I founds myself not being able to deal. It's very hard too because no one understands you. I'm am soo lucky to have people in my life that do understand and for that I am VERY thankful for my Cope girls.

My Thanksgiving consisted of sleeping, sleeping, and more sleeping. I am soooo happy the day is over! I couldn't bring myself to eat and have been a lot of Klonopin to help me. Like I said I am just very glad the day is over. The holidays are going to be rough but I know I can do it. I am going to fight everyday and I want you guys to do so as well. It's soo easy to turn back to your old coping mechanisms during the hoidays. Go back to not eating, and pharmacuticals sounds soo good right now but I WILL NOT let myself fall back into that. Today I slipped. I'll be brutally honest with you about that but this is not how I am going to handle this holiday season. At this time I would just like to list what I am thankful for and whom and then I am going to go back to bed and wake up tomorrow smiling and free.

I am thankful for my health, at this time last year I would have never thought I would have been here today to spend with my family. My wonderful family who cried with me at the dinner table as we said grace and how lucky I am to be here and thanking God for giving me soo much strenth. My friends; ya'll are AMAZING and I will stand by all of you through the good, and the bad, just like you all have for me. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. All of my little dogs that I play Aunt to and of course my cat Sunny.

I hope everyone had a great day and I wish this could have been more positive but I am just being honest, as I think everyone should be. Now I am off to recored a song from my iOKi application to send to my gorgeous little Grey!

Peace and Love

S

*dedicated to: Emily, Maggie, Joanna, Kara, Melanie, Em, Kate G, Kate P. Kaylie, Jess, Jessica K, Jenn, Sarah, Ashley, Blare, Melissa, Keith, and everyone else who sometimes struggles. We can do this. Just take it one day at a time and love as much as you can!

It's A Roller Coaster Kinda Rush

It's that lovely time to give all of you fabulous people the MUST HAVES of November!!! And like I always say......I'm quite the trendsetter so I would follow accordingly. Thanks dolls!

10. The Preen Line fountain cotton-jersey dress. Preen line is a fab line off of the original line Preen. It is amazing and the best best thing is it's actually affordable. love, love, love. Perfect for one of your many holiday parties.

9. Jay-Z's "Blueprint 3" album and a ticket to the "Blueprint 3" winter tour. It's gonna be that hot!

8. The Carolina Pump by Christian Siriano for Payless. GORGEOUS!

7. A new love! Or revisit the lust you had earlier on in your relationship! It's all about hot sex and and endless butterflies. It's proven to make you age less!

6. Indornitable Lace Garter Belt by La Parla. May be on a higher price point but you'll need this for underneath all of your party dresses girls.....and to entertain your boy toy.

5. The "Rutter Military Cap" by Puma. If you're a hat girl like I am this is a must. Just got it and am in love.

4. Anything William Rast. Note to guys......this line is HOT, EDGY, and SEXY. Basically everything we look for in a man.

3. The Taylor Swift Fearless Platinum Edition Album and DVD. My favorite little songwriter added 6 new songs and a loaded DVD full of everything you could want to her hit album "Fearless". Keep an ear out for Track #2. Can't stop listening to it!

2. Endless cuddling and eskimo kisses from your boyfriend or girlfriend to keep you nice and warm this month. Nothing better than being held soo tightly <3

1. And like I say every month......Best Friends.

I hope you all have a great November and can use some of these tips! And don't forget to always go after what you want and to live in the moment. If you love someone tell them. Be crazy. And most importantly be yourself! And always remember that the stars twinkle just a little brighter when you let yourself shine through :)

Peace and Love,

S

Wipe Their Eyes, And..........Part II

Nothing can prepare you for an eating disorder clinic. Although my disease has nothing to do with the terms anorexia and bulimia, COPE was the best place for me to be placed due to age and weight. My 1st weigh in read 83 pounds. And at 83 pounds at 5'5'', well basically I could have dropped dead any moment. I sure as hell didn't care and would have taken a heart attack that ended in death like a million dollars. Just so I can kind of place you in my thought of mind then.....let's just say it wasn't pretty. So finally after everything on the deck of WPIC had taken place, I was lead to the 8th floor. Tears streaming as I walked into my bright, cheerfully decorated, dorm looking, new home(I had noooo idea how long I would be in there for at this time. I was thinking around 3 days.) There were gorgeous thin girls everywhere, some snobby, some not, all in the end became my best friends. Before I got the chance to mingle I dropped my suitcase in my adorable room and hugged my mother and father goodbye. They would see me the next day for visiting hours. I had no clue that for the next 2 months, this was where I would reside.

This is really hard for me to write about this and if I have to cut it short, I am truly sorry. If you ever met me......and haven't really gone through much, you probably wouldn't be able to see all the sadness that I carried around. I was still highly entertaining, could always make people laugh, and was a joy to be around. After a week or so, I was just loving COPE. It was like freshman year all over again. I had a crush on two boys that worked there, borrowed and exchanged clothes with my fellow copemates so we could look hot, even thought we were locked up haha, and talked fashion, boys, and Hollywood drama. We were all beautiful and wonderfully sickening thin(our minds being so distorted at this time we REALLY couldn't see what we looked like), and all wanted to die. There was one thing that we all had in common even though everyone was on for various reasons......we wanted the FUCK out of COPE!

A day at COPE:
Getting weighed, eating a TON of food(when I left I was up to having to eat 4,200 calories a day), meeting with our psychiatrist, trying new drugs, crying, screaming, talking on the phone(yes we had a payphone for our friends to call in on and we had a cordless for us to call out on. Both were ALWAYS in use so we could bitch and cry and try to get someone to get us out), hugging and holding each other while the other cried, smiling when everyone smiled, playing constant games, my fav being Yahtzee, and making different food creations to piss of the nurses. People with ED's make their food very very very small by cutting and crushing. I've never scene anything like it but it was great to pick up on while there. Made those thousands of calories go down a little faster. Sometimes you just could not eat anymore and had to exchange your meal for ensure plus. This poison liquid that is 350 cal. for 8 ounces. We also had a zillion groups per day. We did have fun things as well.....such as yoga, spa, cope cinema(nothing R rated though!), and we had each other who we grew very very close with.

My time there was like a rollercoaster and if I had to really tell it, I truly don't know if I could. I don't know if it was the state of mind that I was in or the fact the I was severely malnutritioned, but there was definitely a block placed over last years nov-march. I just remember working a ton, not eating, and taking a lot of pills just to get through the day.

This is all very much out of order......but there were high points of COPE. We laughed until we cried, played crazy fun music and sang at the top of our lungs, pretended we were on a beach during spa, played on perez hilton, cried with eachother, laughed with eachother, ate hospital food with eachother. We had 6 meal times a day!

I will say this much. Being an inpatient with constant care and watch had in someway saved my life. I know for one thing, I had one of the most unbelievable psychiatrist who never gave up on me and believed that he could fix the way my brain was not responding to medications and I still lived in a world of infinite sadness. It may have taken 8 week and 25 pounds of weight gained but something snapped after those 6 weeks. He put me on a medication that literally SAVED me. And now I'm crying, I began smiling and actually would go through whole days not thinking about suicide. And this trend has only gotten better with time. Finally I got to leave.....after a lovely 8 weeks. I had no idea how sick I was when I entered but I was getting better, had a great group of new friends that had been in and out who I could talk to now, a psychiatrist that believed in me, and a new me that wanted to live again.

My hospital bracelet was clipped off and is now in my memory box, my 200+ Get Well cards from friends and family are kept in a special place in my room and I still read them often, and all my gifts from my amazing friends are home now and in full use. I especially love all of my drawings from COPE made by other patients when I was having a bad day. We were VERY supportive of eachother.

And here I am now.......Cope being an ancient memory. But not really at all. When something like that has such an import on your life, theres not a day that goes by that I don't think of it. I don't think I deserve to feel the way I do now. Just to be happy and smile. To sing in the car. To giggle when I wake up. To be able to leave the house. TO BE A HAPPY NORMAL PERSON!!!!! So many little things people take for granted, like smiling, is huge for me. I haven't truly smiled since I can remember.

PLEASE once again. There are so many great crisis lines, therapists, psychiatrists, outpatient and inpatient programs. I NEVER thought the latter would be the only option that would save me but it did and I am not embarrassed to say it! I love life now and that's what matters. Please if you need to speak with anyone I am always here or if you know anyone in trouble try to help. Thank you all for being so supportive of this piece. It was very hard for me to write both of these but I am soo glad I got it out there. SMILE, DREAM, & LIFE! Lifes too short!!!

Love and Peace

S