Nothing can prepare you for an eating disorder clinic. Although my disease has nothing to do with the terms anorexia and bulimia, COPE was the best place for me to be placed due to age and weight. My 1st weigh in read 83 pounds. And at 83 pounds at 5'5'', well basically I could have dropped dead any moment. I sure as hell didn't care and would have taken a heart attack that ended in death like a million dollars. Just so I can kind of place you in my thought of mind then.....let's just say it wasn't pretty. So finally after everything on the deck of WPIC had taken place, I was lead to the 8th floor. Tears streaming as I walked into my bright, cheerfully decorated, dorm looking, new home(I had noooo idea how long I would be in there for at this time. I was thinking around 3 days.) There were gorgeous thin girls everywhere, some snobby, some not, all in the end became my best friends. Before I got the chance to mingle I dropped my suitcase in my adorable room and hugged my mother and father goodbye. They would see me the next day for visiting hours. I had no clue that for the next 2 months, this was where I would reside.
This is really hard for me to write about this and if I have to cut it short, I am truly sorry. If you ever met me......and haven't really gone through much, you probably wouldn't be able to see all the sadness that I carried around. I was still highly entertaining, could always make people laugh, and was a joy to be around. After a week or so, I was just loving COPE. It was like freshman year all over again. I had a crush on two boys that worked there, borrowed and exchanged clothes with my fellow copemates so we could look hot, even thought we were locked up haha, and talked fashion, boys, and Hollywood drama. We were all beautiful and wonderfully sickening thin(our minds being so distorted at this time we REALLY couldn't see what we looked like), and all wanted to die. There was one thing that we all had in common even though everyone was on for various reasons......we wanted the FUCK out of COPE!
A day at COPE:
Getting weighed, eating a TON of food(when I left I was up to having to eat 4,200 calories a day), meeting with our psychiatrist, trying new drugs, crying, screaming, talking on the phone(yes we had a payphone for our friends to call in on and we had a cordless for us to call out on. Both were ALWAYS in use so we could bitch and cry and try to get someone to get us out), hugging and holding each other while the other cried, smiling when everyone smiled, playing constant games, my fav being Yahtzee, and making different food creations to piss of the nurses. People with ED's make their food very very very small by cutting and crushing. I've never scene anything like it but it was great to pick up on while there. Made those thousands of calories go down a little faster. Sometimes you just could not eat anymore and had to exchange your meal for ensure plus. This poison liquid that is 350 cal. for 8 ounces. We also had a zillion groups per day. We did have fun things as well.....such as yoga, spa, cope cinema(nothing R rated though!), and we had each other who we grew very very close with.
My time there was like a rollercoaster and if I had to really tell it, I truly don't know if I could. I don't know if it was the state of mind that I was in or the fact the I was severely malnutritioned, but there was definitely a block placed over last years nov-march. I just remember working a ton, not eating, and taking a lot of pills just to get through the day.
This is all very much out of order......but there were high points of COPE. We laughed until we cried, played crazy fun music and sang at the top of our lungs, pretended we were on a beach during spa, played on perez hilton, cried with eachother, laughed with eachother, ate hospital food with eachother. We had 6 meal times a day!
I will say this much. Being an inpatient with constant care and watch had in someway saved my life. I know for one thing, I had one of the most unbelievable psychiatrist who never gave up on me and believed that he could fix the way my brain was not responding to medications and I still lived in a world of infinite sadness. It may have taken 8 week and 25 pounds of weight gained but something snapped after those 6 weeks. He put me on a medication that literally SAVED me. And now I'm crying, I began smiling and actually would go through whole days not thinking about suicide. And this trend has only gotten better with time. Finally I got to leave.....after a lovely 8 weeks. I had no idea how sick I was when I entered but I was getting better, had a great group of new friends that had been in and out who I could talk to now, a psychiatrist that believed in me, and a new me that wanted to live again.
My hospital bracelet was clipped off and is now in my memory box, my 200+ Get Well cards from friends and family are kept in a special place in my room and I still read them often, and all my gifts from my amazing friends are home now and in full use. I especially love all of my drawings from COPE made by other patients when I was having a bad day. We were VERY supportive of eachother.
And here I am now.......Cope being an ancient memory. But not really at all. When something like that has such an import on your life, theres not a day that goes by that I don't think of it. I don't think I deserve to feel the way I do now. Just to be happy and smile. To sing in the car. To giggle when I wake up. To be able to leave the house. TO BE A HAPPY NORMAL PERSON!!!!! So many little things people take for granted, like smiling, is huge for me. I haven't truly smiled since I can remember.
PLEASE once again. There are so many great crisis lines, therapists, psychiatrists, outpatient and inpatient programs. I NEVER thought the latter would be the only option that would save me but it did and I am not embarrassed to say it! I love life now and that's what matters. Please if you need to speak with anyone I am always here or if you know anyone in trouble try to help. Thank you all for being so supportive of this piece. It was very hard for me to write both of these but I am soo glad I got it out there. SMILE, DREAM, & LIFE! Lifes too short!!!
Love and Peace
S
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