You & I Walk A Fragile Line

Subject: truth

Dear *************,

I have to write you this or I would truly regret it. 1st off I hope you had a good day and everything was okay mentally and physically. That's what I care about the most. Due to me changing my flight, I have had endless hours to over analyze things and well all I have been doing is thinking of you. I love how we are now and the wonderful relationship I believe I tricked myself into thinking we have. While going back I've taken a look at the past 7 months. I thought for once we had it all figured out and we're on the same page. We don't fight anymore, we look to each other for advise, to laugh and cry to, it was all perfect. But it was a lie. I see it clear now and I feel horrible about myself that I let this go on and that you would do this to me, whether you realized it or not. Taking it back to August and to now, mid-January, there is not one single time that you have seen me just to see me. Yeah we've spent tons of time together and endless hours, if we are not together, on the phone but maybe you took it too far. Every last single time, and this makes me soo sad, you wanted to see me you always got ****************************. I'm the fool in this situation. I should have seen this pattern a long long time ago. You would always plan things with me and half the time you were not to be found, passed out, or lying to me. I didn't let it bother me and I knew you were sick so I always let it go. I can't let it go any further though.

After spending the past few days with you this weekend you kept repeating that you needed me and how you wished I wasn't leaving this week so I could stay in Pittsburgh with you for just a bit longer. I threw it out there that maybe I should change my flight and you were all for it. So excited you were that I was going to stay and be there with you. And I would have never thought twice. When someone I love someone that is going through a rough patch and needs me, I am there. I knew you would have done the same. I changed my flight and you were so excited for me and here I am, alone, not even helping do anything for you, 3 days after I should have left. I haven't even seen you since the afternoon we left your apartment. You asked me to stay for this weekend imparticular and I haven't even seen or heard from you today. I REALLY just want what is best for you so if you being at home right now, instead of us going to hide out at your apt, it does not bother me at all. I'm not selfish in that matter but I believe you were selfish when you brought up me leaving and how you needed me and then didn't. And you, of all people,you knew I had to get to L.A. more than anyone. We both know that that pittsburgh is bad for us.

Also as the old saying goes "actions speak louder than words", I always here how much I am to you and all these wonderful things from you but you never show me. And by showing I don't mean doing anything with money. I mean just maybe, just anything, to show in a way other than words how much I have done for you, really means to you. It could be a letter, a flower, a big kiss and a hug, a special day for me. Anything really. I go over and beyond to show you in actions how much I care. I know you care, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the way you care for me actually hurts. I look dumb. Friendships/Relationships work both ways. You put in what you get and well I put in a lot into our relationship because you mean soooo much to me, *************, you just have no idea. It saddens me that sometimes you can't say I love you back when we hang up at night or thank me everytime when I save you from another mishap that you have made.

As you can see this letter is far from anything mean. I actually cried throughout writing it. I can't believe I didn't pick up on these things before. I'm the stupid one not you. I just really hope you can explain it somehow even though it's pretty black and white or have a way to make it up to me this week so I know that this wonderful friendship (I look to you as one of my best friends, a person I adore, and can be with forever and never want to go), is what we believe. I have feelings just like you do. We've been through some really crappy things together the last 8 years and we always make it back to help eachother through the next. Regardless of this letter, we do have a promise(many promises) to eachother, and with that I will never not have your back. Stay strong darling and I'll see you in *********.

Love,
Sarah
(this was an actual letter written and sent by me in January 2011)

And the Next Will Be Revealed

May is Mental Health Month for Mental Health America. There are a lot of things you can do to help other than make donations. My personal way of seeing someone help is when they take the time to learn and understand Depression, especially if you have a family member, friend, or colleague in your life that is suffering. It took my parents over 12 years to finally understand the depths of my illness and they are STILL learning. It's a very hard thing to grasp because you don't want to see anyone in the deep throws of a clinical depression episode. But it's something you have to learn, deal, help, and give hope. So what I wish for this May is for all of my friends and my Dad(who still has a really hard time with it), to take a few extra hours and learn about this subject. It's actually fascinating and highly interesting to see how the brain works differently on each individual human being. Thank You.

"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass," or "it could be worse" -- all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."

"You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you."

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

“Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts”

"A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it."

"Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem."

"In the dark there is no seeing of the light. It eats at you until you feel as though you can no longer walk or breathe. It comes out of no where and there is no control in your mind to save you from these demons. But in the end, after what could be 3 months to many many years, you wake up one day and hope comes through....just when you had given up. The sun shines again, dreams come back in full swing, and you are the strongest person on this earth." -S. Hollock

When you do make it out of a depressive episode, the alive you feel is different than anyone else's. You have been to hell again and somehow you and God found a way to make it back to see the wonderful heavens. If I could have one wish it would be that no one would ever have to go through what I have but in another way I wouldn't have become the person I am and love today. There will be a day when the blackness returns and giving up seems like the best doing, but you have to remember the heavens that you will reach when you wake and see the light again.

Peace&Hope
S
**If anyone has any questions or just absolutely anything they would like to tell me that they have gone through, please feel free to message me. Getting it out helps and finding that person who understands is one in a million. I love you all.

Bravery Never Goes Out Of Style

I am very impressed by this adorable young Disney star. Eighteen year old, Demi Lovato, has been very brave and opened up to her fans and viewers about some personal problems she has been facing. Instead of hiding or lying like most, Demi has stepped up and spoke to America about the many issues that are kept hush hush around Hollywood, and hopefully helping those who do keep their problems in the dark be able to open up. Having such a role model will hopefully lead to more young adults stepping up and speaking about the troubles they may be going through and the diseases that are kept quiet.

After all the talk of Catherine Zeta Jones speaking up about being Bipolar, a younger very wise woman followed in her footsteps. Demi Lovato, star of Disney's 'Sonny With A Chance', talked about her recent experience in treatment. Suffering from depression, anorexia, bulimia, and cutting; Demi found out in her latest treatment that she was also Bipolar. Not only does she live with these issues everyday, Demi was one of the bravest 18 year old I know by speaking up about it. It's very hard at that age to talk to others about such topics and with her doing so hopefully more teens and young adults will feel much more ease talking about their own illnesses.

She battled with depression from a very young age along with her love/hate relationship with food. Cutting was also something she did to ease the pain inside. While getting 3 months of in-patient treatment for her eating disorder, she also found out that she suffers from the disease Bipolar. "I never found out until I went into treatment that I was bipolar. Looking back it makes sense. There were times when I was so manic, I was writing seven songs in one night and I'd be up until 5.30 in the morning." Now she is undergoing treatment for her diagnosis and feels that what is most important to her at this time is to help others. She is wise and brave beyond her years. Demi, in my book, is a true superstar in every right!!!

If you are a new reader to "And Who Are You Again", this is first and foremost a place that I created to talk openly about my own disorders and let others come and read and hopefully discuss or write to me in private about the mental diseases they may be facing or have been already diagnosed. After I left treatment two years ago I immediately went into wanting to express myself, my very imperfect self, to people which lead to a lot of readers opening up to me, giving both of us a place to talk and vent. Living with cutting, addiction, eating disorder due to nerves, panic disorder, and being bipolar II, sure isn't easy. But I am very free about it. You can ask me just about anything and I am more than willing to help. This year for my birthday I raised $270 through facebook for the cause "Suicide Prevention and Awareness". That is very dear to my heart with chronic depression being so prevalent in my life. I did not know who Demi Lovato was until yesterday but to me she is a hero for speaking up and helping others be okay with what they may be suffering from. You do not have to have a mental disorder to help either. If you know or have known anyone that is/was ill from a mental disease or even if you do not, you can take the 1st step in gaining knowledge on the subjects and bring awareness to others. Living with these disorders is not a walk in the park and you will, even when in control, have a handful of bad days. On the bright side though you, well I know I did, become VERY VERY strong. I feel as though I can take on anything now from what I have been through beginning at 15. I would love to hear from you if any of you ever need to talk or just get something out. It's no fun living a lie and the first step is admitting you have a problem, which is the most difficult thing you will have to do. Thank you to Demi, Catherine, and the others that are in the spotlight for speaking up and making it a tad easier for others to do so as well.

PEACE & LOVE
S

you ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl

One...written and performed by U2



Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say

One LOVE
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One

One

BE THERE FOR SOMEONE TODAY

p&l

S

Fly Away From Here

*Something personal I feel the need to address

I've been writing a lot, which I love don't get me wrong, but I'm using it as a distraction mechanism so I can try to get my mind off of my father for a few hours a day. 17 days ago my dad was in a horrible motorcycle accident. He is alive and he will(with all hope and faith in God) fully recover. He was hit and ran over by an SUV who wasn't paying attention. He woke up laying underneath this car. If he had not had his helmet on he wouldn't have lasted more then a couple hours or just died instantly. I, ever since he got a motorcycle, which I believe was around 13-14 years ago, have been against it. I cried and cried but my dad loved it and promised me he would always be safe. And well here we are.

He is very traumatized by from the experience and was left in very poor condition. The biggest issue right lung which was punctured by one of his 8 broken ribs causing it to collapse. He finally got his chest tube out last week that was draining all of the blood in and around the lung but within a couple days he was back in surgery. He grew a high fever and they thought just the wound that the tube was in was infected but they had found much more than that. His entire right lung was covered on the outside with blood blots and the lung itself has so much fluid in it they had to put not one, but 3 chest tubes back in. Now I can't even huge my dad goodnight when I leave. His left leg was broken, chipped, and shattered and is not put together by pins and screws. If he were to put weight on it in the next 3 months, it will shatter again. The left leg is in a cast so it will not clot. He is unable to move that leg as well.

Now coming from a brighter perspective I will just say that my Dad must have had his best of best guardian angel team beside him that day. I haven't really heard of many accidents that involve motorcycles leaving the cyclist still living. What happened to my dad, even though it is horribly painful and is leaving him out of commission for the summer, he is going to make it. Most aren't that lucky. He is growing sadder by the day so I try to keep him uplifted. It is very hard though when I think all the morphine is really draining him out. No one likes to stay in the hospital. And after a while, you automatically start to shut down. I remember on my 3rd week in the hospital is when I really began to feel trapped and I still had 5 more weeks to go. It's normal to break down and want to give up and that is what he is going through right now.

This is to all of you who have Motorcycles, are thinking of getting Motorcycles, and all of those who ride on the back of Motorcycles; Please think again before you get on your bike. There's a lot to lose and you must not be selfish and really think about your loved ones. How and what would your family and friends do if you were killed? Now there are many things in life that are risky just in everyday so I am just wishing that everyone would listen and to not add another risk to your day. All of my fathers friends sold their motorcycles the week of his accident. My dad is done. And if you read this, I really wish for you to reconsider. My dad has been given a spared life. A second chance. No one knows why some are spared others are not but I am soo blessed to still have him with me.

**And to a friend who I know we are at a rough patch right now but please listen to me. You have already been given your spare life. You have to remember that God has already saved you once. Please do not buy a motorcycle. Especially telling me this after I told you about my father. You have an amazing family and amazing friends who would die to see you hurt again.

God Bless all of those who have lost a family member or friend to a Motorcycle accident. Bless your hearts.

Sarah

Keep on, Keeping on

I was watching a random channel last night when a segment on a young high school aged boy came on. One thing was different though, he had lost his sight when he was 10. He seemed like the sweetest most charming young man. Played football, blind, for his high school team and spoke many many words of wisdom that were just beyond his years. His biggest fear is to get his sight back. Most of us sit here and think how awful it would not to have sight but he finds it to be one of his advantages. If you think about it, he may have exactly the right idea. How awful is this world that we live in today? Basically being judged on looks alone, everyone feels they must get plastic surgery to be secure enough to leave the door. It's all very sad. But the worst is the violence and the sadness that hover over us everyday. He imagines the world in all its colorfulness and beauty and leaves no room in his imagination for harm. This is why he doesn't want his sight back......to have to see what we see. It was beautiful the way he put it and I'm very sorry if I am not portraying the story correctly but I'm trying. The last but most important thing he said was "If you have a disability don't use your disability. Instead use it as a leg and run." This really hit me hard because I do sometimes sit and dwell on "what if I didn't have this and gosh my life would be better if everything could just be normal?!"

Of course these are normal thoughts for us with disabilities but we really just need to feel blessed with what God has given us because we were given disabilities for a reason. At first you get so made at God and can't understand why.....why you? What did you do to deserve this? But in all reality, God trusted in us to be able to handle these illnesses and disabilities to be able conquer and become much stronger than others. It took me years to realize this but this young man realized it right away. Whether it be blindness, loss of hearing, diabetes, eating disorders, cancer, manic-depression, or heart disease. The whole goal of everything is to get better and except that you are not normal and once you do......use it as a leg and start running! Never be scared to show your scares and battle wounds, and never stop chasing your dreams.

P.S. I am going to try to find this segment and I will post it. It's truly amazing.

Peace and Love

S

Riders On The Storm

As I was sitting here this morning writing my New Year's Resolutions, I was reminded that I had never made New Year Resolutions before because I never really thought I'd make it through another year. But here I am and I'm confidant I'll do great in 2010 so I am definetly going to complete them. But before I can get to those I would like to rewind to the beginning of 2009. This year has been a whirlwind to say the least and it has been one of my favorite years ever even with the horrific events.

It's all kind of blurry. Like blurry enough to say I don't remember the 1st 15 days of January but an old bank statement tells me I shopped at Nordstroms, Burberry, and I rented movies from blockbuster. Other than that, I have NO idea besides I was working a lot. On the 16th I was admitted into COPE on the 8th floor of WPIC. I think if I hadn't gotten help on that day, even though I went kicking and screaming, I wouldn't have lasted much longer. It's crazy what malnutrition can do to the brain. It erased my memory and as I read about all of this craziness I found that to be common. I didn't progress fast and I wasn't aloud out until I got my weight up to 105. So at 83 pounds, 105 really didn't seem that far but it's wayyyy more difficult than that. This was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done and hope to have ever done in my life. Not being aloud freedom for 56 days will really make you appreciate everything just a tad bit more. Just the thought of being able to drive again seemed like a luxury to me. I was finally discharged. Much bigger, and much happier due to my savior of a psychiatrist. I also left with amazing friends, people who understood me, really fucking cool people. I was rarely in Pittsburgh and spent most of my time traveling and visiting my best friends. It was definitely something I needed to do because after something like that you really just need to get out of town. I dated a lot and found a touch of love in each one. The rest of the year was dedicated to me staying healthy and happy. In which I did but I have a LOT of people to thank for that; Maggie Andres, Emily Kinnard, Kara Santilli, Liz Greim, Kalie Davis, Joanna O'Donelle, Kate Gross, Kate Pawlowski, Noreen Daniello, Leah Swanson, Jen Aikens, Tiffany Hadley, Shelly Kocsuta, Liz Duigou, Ashley Madia, (Erin, Scott, Megan, Sasha, Sarah, Nicole), Michelle Mantooth, Tera Bowden, Whitney Moore, Aaron Brehove, Bekah Cann, Allison Connors, Carolyn Romano, Blare O'toole, Keith Gerlack, Maggie McKee, Anna Wolf, Whitney Brown, Lara Patrinos, Ryan Mullen, Laura Leimkuler, Katie Newcamp, Julie Eisert, Michael Burns, Dominique Deliere, Melissa Koestner, Joe Johnston, and my dear dear supportive family.

Now I would like to put out my inputs on what was the best and what was the worst this year!

Music that I listened to most....old and new!
-Lady GaGa. She's my inspiration currently. Amazing artist.
-Radiohead.
-Nirvana.
-Britney Spears. I really hope she is free again soon. Can you imagine living under a conservatorship at 28? Bless her heart. I'm glad to see she's doing better. I hope it continues.
-Eminem. If you don't already have Relapse, please go get it. Especially if you ever suffered from depression. This album helped me.
-Taylor Swift. This little one is simply a spot of sunshine. AMAZING!
-Muse.

Favorite songs of 2009!
-If U Seek Amy
-Paparazzi
-3am
-Beautiful
-You're Not Sorry

Most inspirational people!
-Barak Obama (sorry Blare)
-Taylor Swift
-Eminem
-And my best friends!!!! You're all my biggest inspiration.

Favorite Books This year!
-I really cannot do this because I read the same books over and over and over if I really love them. There are a couple new ones I discovered that I love and you should check out too.
-Chelsea Handler's Are You There, Vodka? It's Me, Chelsea.
-Marya Hornbacher's Wasted...A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia
-Cobain-By the Editors of Rolling Stone. yes yes I know another Kurt book but this one is awesome. It's basically great stories of the time all of these journalists spent with him. More as a celebration on his life then the usual tragedy piece.

Favorite in Sports!
-Rafael Nadal. Enough said.
-Also congrats the Steelers and Penguins for making my hometown the "city of chamions"(that's for you Bek)

Well that's about all on 2009. If any of you are wondering.....yes, I am still living like a complete gypsy and loving every minute of it. I really do miss my books, CD's, and DVD's though, and my beautiful bed, and my many vintage decorations. But most of all I miss my gorgeous fairy that hangs from my bed post. Can't wait to have the things back in my life when I finally settle somewhere but as for my plans for 2010, settling somewhere is not involved by any means!

Live, Love, Laugh, Dance, Sing at the top of your lungs, Be Crazy, Never Quit Your Dreams, Always go after what and who you want, Go to the Movies by Yourself, Treat Yourself once and a While to Something You Can't Afford, Fall Madly in Love even though You may Get Hurt(story of my life! but I wouldn't trade it for a thing), Spend Ever Extra Second with Those You Love, And NEVER settle for Anything Less than Butterflies!

Life is too short and you truly NEVER know what day may be your last. I think I'm madly in love with my new positive outlook haha!

Peace & Love,

S

You Are What I Never Knew I Always Wanted

Here are just a few random questions I had answered in May(2 months into my recovery.) I just found them and I think they are a pretty encouraging and strong for the state I was at. I hope some of them can help you and if you have any questions you know, I'm just message away!
1. Okay let’s just start off with I’ve been through a lot of shit and w/out it all…..good and bad………I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

2. Dancing is my therapy. I would be dead without dancing. It’s just something that my spirit has to do.

3. I don't plan or ever plan on planning out my life. I like to live spontaneously just day by day. I love having the courage to just pick up a suitcase and take off for a few weeks. I believe in living fully and just feeling free and liberated. I hate being under any restraints.

4. I’m 5’5’’ and 108 and am IN LOVE with my body and am soo happy to be able to say that! I think it’s soo beautiful. If I could walk around in underwear and a bra I totally would!

5. My absolute favorite thing in the entire world is to sing and dance. It’s the greatest high in the world for me.

6. I have a highly addictive personalty and have gone through times where this has actually gotten me into trouble and is also something I struggle with everyday. It get’s easier with time.

7. I like to drink my coffee at night.

8. I’ve met some of the most amazing people in my life. Some of them in bad situations, others in good. They all made a marking on my soul.

9. My favorite sports figure is Rafael Nadal. He’s the #1 tennis player in the world and is drop dead gorgeous on top of it. Vamos Rafa!!!

10. There are a lot of shallow people in the world and they can make up rumors and assumptions and they will haunt you. I just now got thicker skin and learned to cope with it. A lot of people talk and have NO IDEA what it's like to walk in my shoes. But I am a strong girl and I have a lot of strong friends by my side.

11. I love Kurt Cobain and what he brought to this world artistically. I am still enormously intrigued by him. He and Britney are the only people I can say I have been actually obsessive about. I just wanna learn everything!

12. My sorority sisters, and I know this sounds soo cliche, but I don't know where I'd be without them. It's like they breathe for me when I can no longer breathe.

13. I know the choreography for EVERY Britney Spears video and concert performances. Literally.

14. I adore animals and cannot stand animal cruelty. Breaks my heart in half. I am a proud member of PETA.

15. I'm a hopeless romantic and believe in love stories, fairytales, soulmates, and so on. Nothing makes me happier than being in love.

16. I figure skated for 7 years. And after that I took up dancing full time and was studying to become a ballerina.

17. I read and listen to music at all times. A few of my favorites are Eminem's Relapse, Taylor Swift, Radiohead, Nirvana, Lady GaGa,

18. I failed my driver’s license test 6 or 7 times. Hahahaha

19. I lived in NYC after college and the second place I lived I had to share a bed with Alia for 1,100 a month. You soo get nothing for your money there but it is totally worth it.

20. I think I was a European(in Barcelona, Spain haha) in my previous life. I really don’t believe in this fast paced American living thing that we have going on. If you look at other countries life is more laid back and enjoyed.

21. Michelle and Aaron are my sister and brother.

22. I miss Tera and wish she lived closer. We have a crazy kind of friendship that will never die. She’s the love of my life.

23. 4 inch stilettos are my favorite. I like to be 5’9’’.

24. I’m a pretty cool girl. And I love to make people laugh.

25. I go through life like a karate kid. -BS

Peace and Love

S

Imagine All The People

Today was, by far, the hardest day I've had to get through since I got out of COPE. I went into it last night very positive and as I said my prayers I did ask for help with today, but it was just a little too much to handle. Mostly it was the memories. I don't remember my last 3 Thanksgivings. For good reason of course. The last 2, I didn't even attend due to my depression. Although I am a very happy woman right now, I founds myself not being able to deal. It's very hard too because no one understands you. I'm am soo lucky to have people in my life that do understand and for that I am VERY thankful for my Cope girls.

My Thanksgiving consisted of sleeping, sleeping, and more sleeping. I am soooo happy the day is over! I couldn't bring myself to eat and have been a lot of Klonopin to help me. Like I said I am just very glad the day is over. The holidays are going to be rough but I know I can do it. I am going to fight everyday and I want you guys to do so as well. It's soo easy to turn back to your old coping mechanisms during the hoidays. Go back to not eating, and pharmacuticals sounds soo good right now but I WILL NOT let myself fall back into that. Today I slipped. I'll be brutally honest with you about that but this is not how I am going to handle this holiday season. At this time I would just like to list what I am thankful for and whom and then I am going to go back to bed and wake up tomorrow smiling and free.

I am thankful for my health, at this time last year I would have never thought I would have been here today to spend with my family. My wonderful family who cried with me at the dinner table as we said grace and how lucky I am to be here and thanking God for giving me soo much strenth. My friends; ya'll are AMAZING and I will stand by all of you through the good, and the bad, just like you all have for me. I am thankful that I have a roof over my head and food to eat. All of my little dogs that I play Aunt to and of course my cat Sunny.

I hope everyone had a great day and I wish this could have been more positive but I am just being honest, as I think everyone should be. Now I am off to recored a song from my iOKi application to send to my gorgeous little Grey!

Peace and Love

S

*dedicated to: Emily, Maggie, Joanna, Kara, Melanie, Em, Kate G, Kate P. Kaylie, Jess, Jessica K, Jenn, Sarah, Ashley, Blare, Melissa, Keith, and everyone else who sometimes struggles. We can do this. Just take it one day at a time and love as much as you can!

To Write LOVE

I just found this out when looking through my pages that today is the official "To Write Love On Her Arms" day for the entire world. This cause is extremely close to my heart. It is a non profit organization dedicated to presenting HOPE and finding help for those stuggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. And as you can see here, right above, is a great example of how one leads into another. I, unfortunetly, have delt with all four.

Hope is extremely hard to find when you can't get out of bed in the morning due to depression. And Hope is hard to find when you lay down at night and say your passive death wish to not wake up over and over. Hope is hard to find when you are so down and out you turn to drugs to get through the day. Hope is hard to see when self injury/cutting is the only way you can find any kind of joy. And HOPE is VERY hard to find when your mind is on the fast track of finding a way to end your life and writing suicide letters to your family and friends.

Okay I am horribly crying right now but it's just so crazy to believe that just one year ago, that was my life. I HAVE NO IDEA how I made it. All I have to say is that there must have been the best team of angels watching over me because for some reason I made it through.....once again. I have suffered through 12 years of on and off severe depression. I can't believe this is my life now. I sometimes pinch myself when I wake up because can't believe I am getting to feel this happy and alive and filled with love.

As for today, I have been 8 months happy, 25 pounds heavier, and I wake up with a smile on my face. I discovered having love in your life is all that really matters and sharing your stories can save peoples lives. Today is your day to tell your story. Please give someone Hope today. A will to live. The goal today is to write LOVE on your arm and post it. It lets us see that there are others that have dealt with this or know someone that have. I did it and I hope everyone sees it!!!

This is in dedication to: All of the amazing people I spent two months with living it up at COPE and my psychiatrist at the hospital, Dr. Danko, who managed to save my life. Maggie, Emily, Joahana, Jen, Kate G., Kate P, Em, Kaylie, Kara, Noreen, Jamie, Liz, Melanie, Jessica, Isabella, Ashley, Leah, Shelly, Tiffany, Madelyn, etc. I'm soo sorry if I left anyone from COPE out if I did you can scream at me.

I also want to dedicate this to my beautiful friends who sent me endless love and many visits: Michelle, Whitney, Tera, Bekah, Allison, Blare, Carolyn, Lara, Whitney B., Katie, Laura, Talia, Ryan, Julie, Mike, and Aaron.

Keith-This is to you.

In memory of Scott Connors. Suicide Victim and little brother to my best friend Allison. They are my family.

Peace and Love

S

Never a Clean Break, No One Here To Save Me

Love makes the world go round. Love makes people crazy. Love makes you do things you never thought you would. Love brightens up your days. Love leaves you crying rereading love letters all night and cursing their name. Love makes you feel like you're on top of the world but when that world crumbles it can takes months to be able to see the light again. Love is love. There's nothing like it. And we cannot live without it.

I am about as much of a hopeless romantic as you can get. I am truly in love with love. Now I am NOT a girl who has to have a bf every single minute, even though some may disagree. But nothing beats waking up with the giggles and smiling so excited to see the person. Running into their embrace and feeling a million butterflies flutter around your stomach. Looking at them in disbelief that just this one person can make you soo happy. Hey it's magical and I do believe in fairytales, happily ever afters, and soulmates. I believe you can have several soulmates out there. But you'll find them. I believe you have to go after what you want and fight for it. Don't give up on love just because you think love gave up on you.

Did you ever have that crush, well that really never gave you the time of day, but you held your head high and had hope? You'd sing love songs all day, dubbing his name into the songs, and talk with your friends about how great everything is going to be? Ohhh these are my favorite because they soo innocent and glorious. I haven't had one of these since Adam. And after a year of singing about this boy and finally getting my kiss with him, I was all Adam'd out. I could finally set down my journal, stop crying, and move on. But for that, I just needed that kiss.
I never thought my first love, Pete, would ever leave me so when he did I truly didn't know what to do with myself and I finally did some of the insane activities that I've seen other girls so and roll my eyes. I was horrible to Pete but I was also madly in love with him and he was madly in love with me. But there was something off in this romance. I think he might have loved me a tad more and I did NOT treat him the way I should have. He treated me like a true princess. So after it was REALLY over, I went to his house when no one was home, sat in his room and cried, collected my things, and wrote a four page love letter on yellow paper with pencil. Collected myself and calmly placed the letter along with the "love mix" I had made him of like "our songs" and drove away. I was left scared and seriously wasn't finally healed until a couple years later. But now I look back and he's soo wonderful and I learned the best lesson that you can learn. Don't treat others the way you wouldn't want to be treated.

And then there are the ones that you can't stop loving even though you would give anything to quit. I fell in love with him the 1st date we went on in 2003. He went to high school with all of my girlfriends so he was always around and often came to my college to visit. He was soo sweet and so adorable. I've never had so much in common with someone. We even shared the same dream hahaha! Ohh my gosh I am laughing so hard just thinking of all the crazy things me and this boy do. We're crazy! And I can't even stand straight when he is around. Yes, even after seven years he still makes my knees this weak. We've been through very good and very bad times. We're either perfectly in love or were not speaking. We're never fully together, we are both serial daters. But at the end of the day he's all I want. Right now, I'm feeling invisible and the fights have been horrendous and my heart a bit torn. But I know he loves me and thinks I'm the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world! I know he belongs with me. And these lyrics are soo our relationship "Ohh I remember you driving to my house, in the middle of the night. I'm the one who makes you laugh, when you know your about to cry. I know your favorite songs, and you tell me about your dreams. I think I know where you belong......Think I know it's with meeeee!!!" *just had to throw in a little T. Swift in there.

Also please take my advise on this one and DO NOT have secret relationships. We all do it and have you ever seen it end well......absolutely not! Yeah he was great, soo fun, and maybe I even fell in love with him. But after so long, the secret has to come out and fights start and it's the most dramatic of dramatic endings because you never thought something so innocent and fun would turn into this horrible nightmare and your heart would be on the line.

I talked about like 2 relationships but as my mother would say "Sarah, for me to keep up with all of your boyfriends. I would need a big notebook and a pen."

No matter what. Keep your head up.......fall madly in love again even though you've been hurt before. Let yourself fall for someone, even though they are in love with somebody else. Love someone despite what people may think. No matter what loves throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories, and happily ever afters. I do and I wouldn't change it for anything <3

"How do you think I feel. I haven't slept, I feel sick like theres something in my stomach. Fluttering." -Chuck Bass on love

Peace and Love
S

Wipe Their Eyes, And..........Part II

Nothing can prepare you for an eating disorder clinic. Although my disease has nothing to do with the terms anorexia and bulimia, COPE was the best place for me to be placed due to age and weight. My 1st weigh in read 83 pounds. And at 83 pounds at 5'5'', well basically I could have dropped dead any moment. I sure as hell didn't care and would have taken a heart attack that ended in death like a million dollars. Just so I can kind of place you in my thought of mind then.....let's just say it wasn't pretty. So finally after everything on the deck of WPIC had taken place, I was lead to the 8th floor. Tears streaming as I walked into my bright, cheerfully decorated, dorm looking, new home(I had noooo idea how long I would be in there for at this time. I was thinking around 3 days.) There were gorgeous thin girls everywhere, some snobby, some not, all in the end became my best friends. Before I got the chance to mingle I dropped my suitcase in my adorable room and hugged my mother and father goodbye. They would see me the next day for visiting hours. I had no clue that for the next 2 months, this was where I would reside.

This is really hard for me to write about this and if I have to cut it short, I am truly sorry. If you ever met me......and haven't really gone through much, you probably wouldn't be able to see all the sadness that I carried around. I was still highly entertaining, could always make people laugh, and was a joy to be around. After a week or so, I was just loving COPE. It was like freshman year all over again. I had a crush on two boys that worked there, borrowed and exchanged clothes with my fellow copemates so we could look hot, even thought we were locked up haha, and talked fashion, boys, and Hollywood drama. We were all beautiful and wonderfully sickening thin(our minds being so distorted at this time we REALLY couldn't see what we looked like), and all wanted to die. There was one thing that we all had in common even though everyone was on for various reasons......we wanted the FUCK out of COPE!

A day at COPE:
Getting weighed, eating a TON of food(when I left I was up to having to eat 4,200 calories a day), meeting with our psychiatrist, trying new drugs, crying, screaming, talking on the phone(yes we had a payphone for our friends to call in on and we had a cordless for us to call out on. Both were ALWAYS in use so we could bitch and cry and try to get someone to get us out), hugging and holding each other while the other cried, smiling when everyone smiled, playing constant games, my fav being Yahtzee, and making different food creations to piss of the nurses. People with ED's make their food very very very small by cutting and crushing. I've never scene anything like it but it was great to pick up on while there. Made those thousands of calories go down a little faster. Sometimes you just could not eat anymore and had to exchange your meal for ensure plus. This poison liquid that is 350 cal. for 8 ounces. We also had a zillion groups per day. We did have fun things as well.....such as yoga, spa, cope cinema(nothing R rated though!), and we had each other who we grew very very close with.

My time there was like a rollercoaster and if I had to really tell it, I truly don't know if I could. I don't know if it was the state of mind that I was in or the fact the I was severely malnutritioned, but there was definitely a block placed over last years nov-march. I just remember working a ton, not eating, and taking a lot of pills just to get through the day.

This is all very much out of order......but there were high points of COPE. We laughed until we cried, played crazy fun music and sang at the top of our lungs, pretended we were on a beach during spa, played on perez hilton, cried with eachother, laughed with eachother, ate hospital food with eachother. We had 6 meal times a day!

I will say this much. Being an inpatient with constant care and watch had in someway saved my life. I know for one thing, I had one of the most unbelievable psychiatrist who never gave up on me and believed that he could fix the way my brain was not responding to medications and I still lived in a world of infinite sadness. It may have taken 8 week and 25 pounds of weight gained but something snapped after those 6 weeks. He put me on a medication that literally SAVED me. And now I'm crying, I began smiling and actually would go through whole days not thinking about suicide. And this trend has only gotten better with time. Finally I got to leave.....after a lovely 8 weeks. I had no idea how sick I was when I entered but I was getting better, had a great group of new friends that had been in and out who I could talk to now, a psychiatrist that believed in me, and a new me that wanted to live again.

My hospital bracelet was clipped off and is now in my memory box, my 200+ Get Well cards from friends and family are kept in a special place in my room and I still read them often, and all my gifts from my amazing friends are home now and in full use. I especially love all of my drawings from COPE made by other patients when I was having a bad day. We were VERY supportive of eachother.

And here I am now.......Cope being an ancient memory. But not really at all. When something like that has such an import on your life, theres not a day that goes by that I don't think of it. I don't think I deserve to feel the way I do now. Just to be happy and smile. To sing in the car. To giggle when I wake up. To be able to leave the house. TO BE A HAPPY NORMAL PERSON!!!!! So many little things people take for granted, like smiling, is huge for me. I haven't truly smiled since I can remember.

PLEASE once again. There are so many great crisis lines, therapists, psychiatrists, outpatient and inpatient programs. I NEVER thought the latter would be the only option that would save me but it did and I am not embarrassed to say it! I love life now and that's what matters. Please if you need to speak with anyone I am always here or if you know anyone in trouble try to help. Thank you all for being so supportive of this piece. It was very hard for me to write both of these but I am soo glad I got it out there. SMILE, DREAM, & LIFE! Lifes too short!!!

Love and Peace

S