You & I Walk A Fragile Line

Subject: truth

Dear *************,

I have to write you this or I would truly regret it. 1st off I hope you had a good day and everything was okay mentally and physically. That's what I care about the most. Due to me changing my flight, I have had endless hours to over analyze things and well all I have been doing is thinking of you. I love how we are now and the wonderful relationship I believe I tricked myself into thinking we have. While going back I've taken a look at the past 7 months. I thought for once we had it all figured out and we're on the same page. We don't fight anymore, we look to each other for advise, to laugh and cry to, it was all perfect. But it was a lie. I see it clear now and I feel horrible about myself that I let this go on and that you would do this to me, whether you realized it or not. Taking it back to August and to now, mid-January, there is not one single time that you have seen me just to see me. Yeah we've spent tons of time together and endless hours, if we are not together, on the phone but maybe you took it too far. Every last single time, and this makes me soo sad, you wanted to see me you always got ****************************. I'm the fool in this situation. I should have seen this pattern a long long time ago. You would always plan things with me and half the time you were not to be found, passed out, or lying to me. I didn't let it bother me and I knew you were sick so I always let it go. I can't let it go any further though.

After spending the past few days with you this weekend you kept repeating that you needed me and how you wished I wasn't leaving this week so I could stay in Pittsburgh with you for just a bit longer. I threw it out there that maybe I should change my flight and you were all for it. So excited you were that I was going to stay and be there with you. And I would have never thought twice. When someone I love someone that is going through a rough patch and needs me, I am there. I knew you would have done the same. I changed my flight and you were so excited for me and here I am, alone, not even helping do anything for you, 3 days after I should have left. I haven't even seen you since the afternoon we left your apartment. You asked me to stay for this weekend imparticular and I haven't even seen or heard from you today. I REALLY just want what is best for you so if you being at home right now, instead of us going to hide out at your apt, it does not bother me at all. I'm not selfish in that matter but I believe you were selfish when you brought up me leaving and how you needed me and then didn't. And you, of all people,you knew I had to get to L.A. more than anyone. We both know that that pittsburgh is bad for us.

Also as the old saying goes "actions speak louder than words", I always here how much I am to you and all these wonderful things from you but you never show me. And by showing I don't mean doing anything with money. I mean just maybe, just anything, to show in a way other than words how much I have done for you, really means to you. It could be a letter, a flower, a big kiss and a hug, a special day for me. Anything really. I go over and beyond to show you in actions how much I care. I know you care, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the way you care for me actually hurts. I look dumb. Friendships/Relationships work both ways. You put in what you get and well I put in a lot into our relationship because you mean soooo much to me, *************, you just have no idea. It saddens me that sometimes you can't say I love you back when we hang up at night or thank me everytime when I save you from another mishap that you have made.

As you can see this letter is far from anything mean. I actually cried throughout writing it. I can't believe I didn't pick up on these things before. I'm the stupid one not you. I just really hope you can explain it somehow even though it's pretty black and white or have a way to make it up to me this week so I know that this wonderful friendship (I look to you as one of my best friends, a person I adore, and can be with forever and never want to go), is what we believe. I have feelings just like you do. We've been through some really crappy things together the last 8 years and we always make it back to help eachother through the next. Regardless of this letter, we do have a promise(many promises) to eachother, and with that I will never not have your back. Stay strong darling and I'll see you in *********.

Love,
Sarah
(this was an actual letter written and sent by me in January 2011)

Yeah, I Always Find Somethin' Wrong

......and So did I Kanye, so did I. So finally we get to talk about what Kanye likes to call his debut as a "Movie Director" ehh em. I once had soo much to say on this short film but now I cannot fathom wasting my breathe on someone who doesn't appreciate others as much as he appreciates and is in love with himself. Don't get me wrong at all, I do think a lot of Kanye's work is absolute genius. Especially this track "Runaway". But when you can't say anything good about others because you are too worried about you always being on top, is something that I can not put up with. So here it is........I watched the whole hour long "Movie" and 45 minutes worth of the interview afterwards. In the beginning of the interview i was actually starting to believe that maybe his time off did him some good and his "I am God" level had calmed down but at one point he said a few things that turned it all back around and there he was, this insecure man with very low self esteem. When asked who he thought was at a very high point in their hip hop career and was growing as an artist, he did not point anyone out but himself. "No one can touch me. I'm making movies now." And that's when I got off the live viewing on MTV.com.

As for the small film in which he said and compared it to "some Michael Jackson shit"......well it was far from and please not to all artists: MJ was a legend, the King of Pop, the main reason why Music Videos are what they are today(Thriller anyone?). No one can touch him and do not compare yourself to him because you will come off as looking foolish. The short film, which I believe ran 35 minutes, I did not find impressive, creatively extensive, or well cast. This is the only clip where I do believe he speaks truth in what he says in the last minute. I have really begun to feel this way as well and what he says about "selling himself to the devil" and what it means to him. It's something that i will always refer to now because I love the way he developed this saying into something so meaningful to yourself and your dreams. Watch.

Sucker Free - MTV Shows

Speaking of the Phoenix character, Kanye decided to cast the exquisitely beautiful Selita Ebanks. In the beginning when she is found on the road I believe she was perfectly cast. Very tall, very thin, and lanky.....just like a bird. Until hahahaha omgosh I die when I see her stand up because she's soo gorgeous and she has the HUGE fake breasts which look ridiculous on her teeny tiny figure. I just did some research and she is the 1st Victoria's Secret model to ever be hired by them with fake breasts. That disappointed me to read that because I always like to think all those VS girls are all from Brazil and are just that fabulous. Well they all are but now there is a fake in there and I just don't think that should be allowed. According to every article I have found of her and read she originally had A cups which I am sure looked way more better on that skinny body. So that's one of the parts I think was miscasted. But I'm not going to focus on this character who's acting at the end with Kanye in a conversation about turning to stone and Kanye begs her to stay and they kiss and then the film gets dark but you see them having sex. That bugged me too. Kanye why are you having sex with a Phoenix? She probably scratched the hell out of you! haha. Moving on to what really mattered in this "movie"......The 10 minute long version of the track "Runaway".

This was absolutely gorgeous and filmed in Prague in this huge warehouse it looks like with the spectacular green wall you keep seeing in promo photos. The piece lasted from 13:50 until 23:08. I am a huge fan of the song and what it says and of course being a former ballerina didn't hurt either when I 1st saw it in performance. The casting of the ballerinas was horrific. Three en point and the rest on flat. Not attractive. If you've ever been a ballet dancer or studied the art you know that you DO NOT perform on flat past the age of pretty much 12. Watch the Corps de Ballet only, when you watch it through maybe on your 2nd or 3rd time through. They do not fit in the piece. There are 3 soloists, and I hate to say this, but even they are not perfectly cast either. Half of the Corps was dancing contemp ballet while the rest was purely classical. The had a sequence where they posed on the beats of the chorus of "Runaway" and half would be turned in, feet not pointed, bent knees; it was just not good to watch. The choreography was very basic. Positions and movements you learn in the very beginning stages of study. If I saw one more girl do another releve devlope I was going to die, but that's ALL the girls did. Horrendous! Just horrendous! Kanye, I know you wanted this to be perfect and if you have such a "strong passion for classical dance" then you should have cast the girls better. Period. I was expecting girls from SAB or NYCB.(even though I know sab and nycb contracts do not allow apperiences in music videos.) But no. And although I was upset with the dancing, there are the two beautiful touching moments. When the girls run on stage and when the girls run off. Very Swan Lake. And of course I had a predilection for the straight out classic Tutu's the ballerina's adorned.


Now I've written to much on the subject and person I said I wasn't going to take to much time on because he already feels he is a deity. Now I will end by saying Congrats on getting Phillip Lim to do your costume design. Hire a lead that if she is going to be naked for 35 minutes that her breasts move like normal birds/humans do. Take an acting class. And just come down a little from the high high cloud you are sitting on because you could fall through one day and find yourself sitting on the level ground with the rest of us. Humility Kanye, is key.

P.S. If you didn't know this I would just like to share it with you very fast. 2 of Kanyes great musical influences are Radiohead and NIN. I think Trent Reznor would kick your ass for even saying that.
Thoughts on the film? Feel free to speak your peace.

P&L
S

I Always Find, Yeah I Always Find Something Wrong

........You've been puttin' up with my shit just way too long/I'm soo gifted at finding what I don't like the most, So I think it's time for us to have a toast

If you haven't noticed I've been quite obsessed with the song Runaway by Kanye West lately. If you haven't heard it yet, it is now available on iTunes and Kanye's entire new album will be released in November. I wrote about Kanye and his usual disastrous VMA performances in September but this year was pleased to find one of my personal favorite performances ever. Now I'm not here to speak about Mr. West but rather to talk about how these lyrics relate to my life and probably a lot of yours.

You ever feel like, even though you may be in love with the person, you just pick and pick and pick until you find numerous things wrong in them? I, unfortunately, live by this. I am getting better but I always want my bf's to be absolutely perfect. Why? Is it because I'm not perfect? Is it because I want some sense of normalcy in my life? Someones that's gonna pull me right back up when I begin to fall? Yes, these are things that I want but even when I am dating these "perfect" guys I start tending to find them too perfect and definitely way to attentive. So why do I envision myself with a perfect soul when actually all I want is someone who is as fucked up and crazy as myself. Someone who falls with me, someone who leaves me wondering, somebody gifted and genius but not in the traditional sense.

Considering I am moving to Los Angeles shortly here, I know I will find more of these types of guys out there then I would have any chance in Pittsburgh, PA where everyone wears a suit and tie, goes to their 9-5, goes to the gym, and has a weekly lineup of television shows until it's time for bed. Then repeat. Now this is what I find wrong, and what I don't like the most. I love spontaneous, rebellious, and a tad crazy human beings. But when I am in relationships such as these ones that I do love, I begin to grow tired from all the drama. It's all or nothing. Breaking up and making up. It's crazy crazy love. And we all know I LOVE dramatics to a point but when you find yourself either soo high you can't come down or so low you can't stop crying and screaming their name......well then you know you are in a troubled relationship.

Do you think finding someone just like yourself is always the best way to go? Or someone the total opposite being a better choice? My parents are COMPLETE opposites and yes they do love each other very much, they both never got to do what they really wanted to do in life because of the other and I just don't think that's far. I am an only child. Being an only child either leaves you with the typical only child perfectionist/OCD ways or you can interpret and build your personality when young off of the one that raises you. Not that both my parents did not, but my mother was the one who predominately raised me. She's the baby of her family. And that's the exact mold I fit. I also find myself dating the baby of the family often as well. Not such a bright idea but these are the ones that are basic carbon copies of yourselves. It's comfortable, easy, and all the time crazy fun.

So what do you guys go after the most and what works best for you? What do you always find something wrong in a person and are you finding out that you don't like the most?

Peace&Love

S

How in the f*ck Can I Mix with the Inglewood?!

*Please do not use this as reference to actual statistics or prevalence of gang violence. This is just me going back in time and explaining what I saw that you may have have not.

As I am rummaging through some great classic hip hip rappers of our time and being goofy picking out new tees for my friend Chris and I, I started to recall the day when these rappers weren't just amazing artists but also the start of a horrible war between two sides of the country. Most of you kids my age, who had real perfect pretty lives in the suburbs weren't affected, but us city kids saw it all right in front of out eyes laid out daily.(that statement was used to REALLY dramatise the effects and lines between city and suburb haha) We had friends in both gangs and watched our friends and colleges promote violence, not love. Today violence is still very prevalent but gang violence in the early 90's was at it's peak with two very large groups with members equaling each over 35,000; The Crips & The Bloods.

Growing up in the city is different then growing up in a suburbs in many ways. Pittsburgh, for example, is where I grew up. Within Pittsburgh there are a ton of inner city neighborhoods. With the school district there were many different inner city schools. Just for example.....I think when I was in high school, I pretty much had the option of going to 9 different schools? That sound right? But the time I would like to talk about is '93-'96. These were my middle school years. And these were also the hype years of Death Row Records, home to Cali's finest including Dr. Dre(The Cronic, 1992), Tupac, Snoop Dogg, and Suge Knight. Now on the other side of the country you had, I wanna say Tommy Boy Records or maybe it was already bad Boy Entertainment ran by Diddy??? which is prob wrong so don't quote me on that, reppin' NYC's best including The Notorious B.I.G., Wu Tang Clan, and Nas. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_Row_Records

That gives you all the info you'll need right there on who repped who and who switched and all that. "Death Row is the label that pays me" is still something you'll hear on my personal BEST RAP ALBUM EVER PRODUCED-The Cronic 2001. But let's get back to the main area that I'm trying to explain here; Inner city Pittsburgh, PA.

I lived in the North. My middle school was in the Hill District(right?), and Capa was in Homewood(right?. Or maybe switch those around but anyways let's go with the Hill District and it being Blood territory. Now although there were Bloods that attended Rogers School for the Creative and Performing Arts, there were also members of the Crips that were bussed in from different parts of the city in the north. At school everything was cool, from what I remember, but it was after school or in 8th period where things would start to get crazy.


It was a daily thing that occurred everyday around 3pm. I actually had a class at the end of the school which faced the main street where Bloods would begin to attack our classroom by throwing bricks at the gated up windows that led into my classroom. It didn't phase us at all but I think sometimes it would get rowdy with there's in the class trying to fight from inside the classroom(usually members of the crips). But like I stated earlier, there were no dividers in the school I don't believe. I know I had friends and acquaintances in both gangs. As did most. But it was the mission of getting the kids from the north onto their bus after school safely that became an issue. And of course I just had to live in the North. Now I'm just going to tell the scariest time that I can remember then let this go but I just wanted ya'll to get a feeling of what, when this fight between these two groups, basically led by the best of the best hip hop moguls, affected my daily life just in Pittsburgh, PA. I cannot even imagine what it would have been like to live in LA and NYC. Sometimes our bus would be shook so hard our backpacks would start falling and the protocol was to get underneath the seat in front of you. Bricks would be thrown, windows would be broken, and it was over all just NOT COOL. I totally believe in people believing in something but I am not a believer of gang violence from having to experience it hands on. And there I was this little rocker chick with my green hair and smashing pumpkins tee and neon orange fishnets. I do want to make this clear though.....yeah sure my parents could have yanked me out, sent me off to private school, and taken me out of a program I loved, but they didn't even though at times they often wanted to. I was safe in school though and even though we had some crazy times, overall we were all VERY safe and protected from the activity outside of us.

If you were to ask me today if growing up then, and being around that, or growing up today and being around what goes on today in school......I would hands down and say 'give me my hip hop old school crips and bloods gang violence any day. Now all I see is worse violence that's not even based around a belief (those crips and bloods had reasons and meanings to be doing what they were doing and they had music involved as well. I'm not saying it was okay but they had a mission and it was a horrible mission which left 2 genius rap moguls dead, but whatever it was they didn't mess with just anybody.) Today kids are shooting kids for absolutely no reason, little girls are pregnant, boys are taught it's ok to abuse girls, and kids are drinking and taking drugs at an alarming young age. It's disgusting and yes it does make me question if I want kids growing up in this country in this age. I really couldn't tell you? It's way worse off now. As for the Crips and the Bloods.......I wouldn't have had my experience with the whole thing any other way. RIP 2pac and Biggie. You left music behind that will NEVER be forgotten. Kids of this era......what the hell do you have to leave behind?

Peace & Love,
S

And This Is The Way

From time to time sometimes all I need is a little advise from Rev Run. I mean who doesn't? I follow the man on Twitter and he gives me great insight on my haters, my lovers, my path, and my past and future. With that said I would love to share a few lessons I've learned from Rev Run as he tweets away everyday for us! I think everyone follows him but if not please do and don't for get to follow me too(I even throw out some great advise myself)!


A worst thing than being talked about is not being talked about (via @RevRunWisdom)

Never worry about haters::: Haters always hate those who are LOVED #fact (via @RevRunWisdom)

Neva argue with ur servants the haters,,,ur haters are very very helpful,, and u should never argue with the help (@RevRunWisdom)

Something about ppl hating on you,, let's u know that ur on the right track #smh (via @RevRunWisdom) **Absolutly!

Ppl that brag that they're GREAT,, often do this becuz they really doubt themselves #truth (via @RevRunWisdom)

I won't let em break me (via @RevRunWisdom)

Get off of other ppls jock:: its betta 2 live ur own life imperfectly,, than 2 imitate sum1 elses perfectly -(theSW) (via @RevRunWisdom)

Who r u chasin that's dissin u? Who are u ignorin that's cravin ur presence? Go where ur adored not where ur ignored (via @RevRunWisdom) **Why do we do this?

Tryin 2 get bac wit certain ppl is like tryin 2 fix a broken mirror,, its best 2 just leave it alone so u don't get hurt (via @RevRunWisdom)

Sumtimes u just grow out of ppl,, don't try 2 repair it,, its 2 painful #moveon! (via @RevRunWisdom) **Very true and hurts both ways but is better to remember the good times and leave the person behind.

I hope you all can learn a little from these. I sure did. I always feel judged and "hated" on but I've learned that obviously you cannot control it and letting it go drives the people even more nuts. People love the ones with something going on. Good or Bad. Both at once. And sometimes just because you have there attention and to them you have to be flawed because everything always goes right for you. It's sad but true. And why do we chase those who don't want us. Ex lovers and enen ex best friends. Leave and let go. Easier to say than do but an unfortunate must. Always go to the light, to the love, not back to the discust and hatred. As much as we don't want to, sometimes we have have to start walking and never look back.

P&L
S
https://twitter.com/SarahHollock

So long, Farewell....Auf Weidersehen, Goodbye

This letter is in honor of my favorite causes: Suicide Awareness and Prevention and To Write Love on Her Arms.

On March 6, 2010 it will be exactly one year since I was released from rehab and was given the chance at a better life. Today I chose to set my diseases free and live in peace with my new self.

Dear Depression,

You know you were with me for such a long time, I really never thought I would see the day where I wouldn't have to be aware of you and obey by your rules. For over the past five years I was constantly living in the dark because of you. I hid it well from everyone but you and I both know I barely bothered to try to live from one day to the next. I poisoned you with endless alcohol, bottomless pill addictions, and malnutrition. I couldn't see a way back nor did I care. I fed myself with coffee and cigarettes. Soo anxious at all times, I just couldn't bare to eat. I abused benzodiazepines and pain medication to help me get through the days, and alcohol binges in the evenings. You just kept getting worse. Finally, after numerous trips to the emergency room, I decided I needed to get help or this may be the end. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and never ever ever want to do it again. And there I was holed up for 2 months. I saw no signs of recovery in the first 6 weeks then suddenly something changed. I felt myself again. I was alive. I went from 83 pounds to 108 pounds. I went from depending on a lot of pills to not even thinking of them. I was on medicine that actually worked for me. And I got to go home and was given a shot at life again.

I don't think what I tell you or how I describe my depression, and addictions can ever put you in my shoes. But I do hope it helps. This past year has been the most amazing year of my life. I wake up in the morning singing, so happy to endure another day. I went back to doing what I was meant to do, which is to dance. This summer I vacationed all around and got to see all of my dearest friends. I had real relationships again with actual nice guys. And all of this I did with a smile. A smile may not seem much to you but when you had forgotten what it felt like to smile, it means the world. I learned how to love myself. Not in the artificial way but really learned to love deep down from my soul. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and the best thing I ever did at the same time. I'm genuinely happy and am soo thankful for these wonderful little angels God has placed in my life. I had to save myself though and that was the hardest part to understand. I'm so grateful to have my goals, dreams, and aspirations back. I'm me and I love it. Goodbye depression. I know I have a chance of seeing you again and I'm not scared but I am going to fight my hardest to keep you far far away from me.

Sincerely,
Sarah

P.S. HUGE celebration on the 6th!!!!!

Caught In A Bad Romance

A lot of people told me to take this down last night and so I did. But it's back up because that's what I want to potray to my audience is that, if I had kept this peice down.....I wouldn't be being myself. So enjoy!


I just figure in this situation......if boys don't want me to write bad peices about them then THEY SHOULDN'T DO BAD THINGS, THEY SHOULDN'T DO BAD THINGS, THEY SHOULDN'T DO BAD THINGS.....

Well guess what.....a someone did a very bad thing. I've cried my tears and they are all dry now. What I didn't know that the person I was "talking to" turned out to be a complete fake. By the end of it all, I didn't even know who he was, there were so many personalities. And I didn't know "taking things slow" meant that sleeping with other people was a-okay! Especially doing this with a girl who you spoke horribly upon to me. Way to go. Such a great, nice guy.

I don't really feel like wasting anymore time on you but I do want everyone else to know what a douchbag you are.

Don't worry I am long gone out of your life and I am soo much better than this situation, I don't even think you know. Go play on playa. "i have too much going on and my life and have no idea what i want." Wierd, cause I know you told me you wanted me many of times but that's okay I know it was all lies now. "i never meant to hurt you but i told you not to expect too much from me." Don't worry my dear I didn't. After you switched personalities for the 3rd time I was beginning to think that this had to be a joke. And that's exactly what it was.....a joke. But guess what, jokes on you. You slept with another girl in MY friends house with MY friends around. Big mistake buddy, big mistake.

It all comes down to this though. I'm better than you and your childish ways. And I really do wish I knew the name of your ex girlfriend so I could call her and tell her all of the awful things that you said about her. You'll never find anyone like me, as pretty as me, or as smart and talented as me. You really messed up cause I have no use for you anymore. And never will. Grow up please, stop lying because Pittsburgh is small and guess what I hear it all, and most of all STOP TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE. It's so immature it's sickening. You once told me that you wanted to "make all of my dreams come true" hahahahahaha!!!!!! Wow all I got from you were bad dreams. Ohh and just for fun.....you're not that great of a kisser.

To all my readers......his name is ******** and his last name begins with a T. Take a guess. Stay far away girls. You are all too good for him.

Ohh and the best thing I had to get over this were my friends. I love you all so much and thank you. Especially all you boys who said you would beat him up for me. But sorry can't let you do that. You're way to good to get close with someone that can be so mean.

Goodbye

S

"********, I hope you grow a heart because this is not how you treat people."