This letter is in honor of my favorite causes: Suicide Awareness and Prevention and To Write Love on Her Arms.
On March 6, 2010 it will be exactly one year since I was released from rehab and was given the chance at a better life. Today I chose to set my diseases free and live in peace with my new self.
Dear Depression,
You know you were with me for such a long time, I really never thought I would see the day where I wouldn't have to be aware of you and obey by your rules. For over the past five years I was constantly living in the dark because of you. I hid it well from everyone but you and I both know I barely bothered to try to live from one day to the next. I poisoned you with endless alcohol, bottomless pill addictions, and malnutrition. I couldn't see a way back nor did I care. I fed myself with coffee and cigarettes. Soo anxious at all times, I just couldn't bare to eat. I abused benzodiazepines and pain medication to help me get through the days, and alcohol binges in the evenings. You just kept getting worse. Finally, after numerous trips to the emergency room, I decided I needed to get help or this may be the end. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and never ever ever want to do it again. And there I was holed up for 2 months. I saw no signs of recovery in the first 6 weeks then suddenly something changed. I felt myself again. I was alive. I went from 83 pounds to 108 pounds. I went from depending on a lot of pills to not even thinking of them. I was on medicine that actually worked for me. And I got to go home and was given a shot at life again.
I don't think what I tell you or how I describe my depression, and addictions can ever put you in my shoes. But I do hope it helps. This past year has been the most amazing year of my life. I wake up in the morning singing, so happy to endure another day. I went back to doing what I was meant to do, which is to dance. This summer I vacationed all around and got to see all of my dearest friends. I had real relationships again with actual nice guys. And all of this I did with a smile. A smile may not seem much to you but when you had forgotten what it felt like to smile, it means the world. I learned how to love myself. Not in the artificial way but really learned to love deep down from my soul. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and the best thing I ever did at the same time. I'm genuinely happy and am soo thankful for these wonderful little angels God has placed in my life. I had to save myself though and that was the hardest part to understand. I'm so grateful to have my goals, dreams, and aspirations back. I'm me and I love it. Goodbye depression. I know I have a chance of seeing you again and I'm not scared but I am going to fight my hardest to keep you far far away from me.
Sincerely,
Sarah
P.S. HUGE celebration on the 6th!!!!!
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