So long, Farewell....Auf Weidersehen, Goodbye

This letter is in honor of my favorite causes: Suicide Awareness and Prevention and To Write Love on Her Arms.

On March 6, 2010 it will be exactly one year since I was released from rehab and was given the chance at a better life. Today I chose to set my diseases free and live in peace with my new self.

Dear Depression,

You know you were with me for such a long time, I really never thought I would see the day where I wouldn't have to be aware of you and obey by your rules. For over the past five years I was constantly living in the dark because of you. I hid it well from everyone but you and I both know I barely bothered to try to live from one day to the next. I poisoned you with endless alcohol, bottomless pill addictions, and malnutrition. I couldn't see a way back nor did I care. I fed myself with coffee and cigarettes. Soo anxious at all times, I just couldn't bare to eat. I abused benzodiazepines and pain medication to help me get through the days, and alcohol binges in the evenings. You just kept getting worse. Finally, after numerous trips to the emergency room, I decided I needed to get help or this may be the end. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and never ever ever want to do it again. And there I was holed up for 2 months. I saw no signs of recovery in the first 6 weeks then suddenly something changed. I felt myself again. I was alive. I went from 83 pounds to 108 pounds. I went from depending on a lot of pills to not even thinking of them. I was on medicine that actually worked for me. And I got to go home and was given a shot at life again.

I don't think what I tell you or how I describe my depression, and addictions can ever put you in my shoes. But I do hope it helps. This past year has been the most amazing year of my life. I wake up in the morning singing, so happy to endure another day. I went back to doing what I was meant to do, which is to dance. This summer I vacationed all around and got to see all of my dearest friends. I had real relationships again with actual nice guys. And all of this I did with a smile. A smile may not seem much to you but when you had forgotten what it felt like to smile, it means the world. I learned how to love myself. Not in the artificial way but really learned to love deep down from my soul. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and the best thing I ever did at the same time. I'm genuinely happy and am soo thankful for these wonderful little angels God has placed in my life. I had to save myself though and that was the hardest part to understand. I'm so grateful to have my goals, dreams, and aspirations back. I'm me and I love it. Goodbye depression. I know I have a chance of seeing you again and I'm not scared but I am going to fight my hardest to keep you far far away from me.

Sincerely,
Sarah

P.S. HUGE celebration on the 6th!!!!!

There In My Rearview Mirror Disappearing Now

Everyone gets the "I have to get out of town" bug every now and then. I seem to get it a lot more often then others. I truly can't remember the last time I was in Pittsburgh for a full month??? Maybe June?? I don't know. All I know is that I am getting out of here on Thursday or Friday and going to see my lovely sorority sisters that reside in Baltimore. And Friday cannot come fast enough! For those of you that are like myself and like to escape.....here are some things that I do to help me get by. Please feel free to add any additions!

1. Dance. Nothing let's me feel as free and far far far away from reality is a good dance class. I prefer ballet, of course, and try to attend twice a week. Right now I would die to have my old schedule when I was younger which was ballet for 6-7 hours a day. Now for those of you who did not grow up with classical training and would rather try something beginner, there are soo many options out there. There's yoga, pilates, zumba, African dance(I love these classes), and even classes at your local gym. My girlfriend Sharon runs a fabulous "dance the pounds off" class which is cardio and fun! A basic workout can also do the trick. Try one of these. I swear it works!

2. Disappear into music. This is involved in my daily routine but I happen to live and breathe music. I do not watch television and always have music blasting. It's such a great art form. There is nothing better to me. Pick up a guitar or try another instrument that you have always been dying to learn. It's never to late to further your musical education. I had to take a step backwards and relearn how to read music. I knew how to all of middle and high school but I lost it.

3. Write. I think I just stated in my previous blog that if I just have my journal and this little blog everything is a-okay! I know this isn't for everyone but I do believe you should try it just once in your life. This can also mesh in well with your music. Songwriting is just about the greatest relief and getaway you can get. My favorite is writing love songs. Love and Heartbreak and everything in between!

4. Drive. Just get in your car and drive. I have a friend that is constantly driving around to random places and I never got it. But now I do and I realized that this is his escape of the day. He turns up the music real loud and just gets in the zone.

5. Going to the movies/theatre/ballet/opera/musical. You can never go wrong! Going to the theatre, although most of you may already know this, is my absolute favorite thing to do. As soon as you walk into the red carpeted, gold windy staircase, imaginary land, you will already be long gone. Ohh and when the orchestra starts and the curtain opens......well it's just a feeling that NOTHING can replace. It's the most amazing high you can get......if you used to perform at all I'm sure you all know this.

Well I kinda of took this to my own preferences and I am sorry about that. This is best for the person who is in love with Arts. But I do believe, everyone has a performing side inside of them just dying to get out. So please go ahead and give these ago when you need to escape and feel free and released from reality.

Peace and Love,

S