Subject: truth
Dear *************,
I have to write you this or I would truly regret it. 1st off I hope you had a good day and everything was okay mentally and physically. That's what I care about the most. Due to me changing my flight, I have had endless hours to over analyze things and well all I have been doing is thinking of you. I love how we are now and the wonderful relationship I believe I tricked myself into thinking we have. While going back I've taken a look at the past 7 months. I thought for once we had it all figured out and we're on the same page. We don't fight anymore, we look to each other for advise, to laugh and cry to, it was all perfect. But it was a lie. I see it clear now and I feel horrible about myself that I let this go on and that you would do this to me, whether you realized it or not. Taking it back to August and to now, mid-January, there is not one single time that you have seen me just to see me. Yeah we've spent tons of time together and endless hours, if we are not together, on the phone but maybe you took it too far. Every last single time, and this makes me soo sad, you wanted to see me you always got ****************************. I'm the fool in this situation. I should have seen this pattern a long long time ago. You would always plan things with me and half the time you were not to be found, passed out, or lying to me. I didn't let it bother me and I knew you were sick so I always let it go. I can't let it go any further though.
After spending the past few days with you this weekend you kept repeating that you needed me and how you wished I wasn't leaving this week so I could stay in Pittsburgh with you for just a bit longer. I threw it out there that maybe I should change my flight and you were all for it. So excited you were that I was going to stay and be there with you. And I would have never thought twice. When someone I love someone that is going through a rough patch and needs me, I am there. I knew you would have done the same. I changed my flight and you were so excited for me and here I am, alone, not even helping do anything for you, 3 days after I should have left. I haven't even seen you since the afternoon we left your apartment. You asked me to stay for this weekend imparticular and I haven't even seen or heard from you today. I REALLY just want what is best for you so if you being at home right now, instead of us going to hide out at your apt, it does not bother me at all. I'm not selfish in that matter but I believe you were selfish when you brought up me leaving and how you needed me and then didn't. And you, of all people,you knew I had to get to L.A. more than anyone. We both know that that pittsburgh is bad for us.
Also as the old saying goes "actions speak louder than words", I always here how much I am to you and all these wonderful things from you but you never show me. And by showing I don't mean doing anything with money. I mean just maybe, just anything, to show in a way other than words how much I have done for you, really means to you. It could be a letter, a flower, a big kiss and a hug, a special day for me. Anything really. I go over and beyond to show you in actions how much I care. I know you care, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the way you care for me actually hurts. I look dumb. Friendships/Relationships work both ways. You put in what you get and well I put in a lot into our relationship because you mean soooo much to me, *************, you just have no idea. It saddens me that sometimes you can't say I love you back when we hang up at night or thank me everytime when I save you from another mishap that you have made.
As you can see this letter is far from anything mean. I actually cried throughout writing it. I can't believe I didn't pick up on these things before. I'm the stupid one not you. I just really hope you can explain it somehow even though it's pretty black and white or have a way to make it up to me this week so I know that this wonderful friendship (I look to you as one of my best friends, a person I adore, and can be with forever and never want to go), is what we believe. I have feelings just like you do. We've been through some really crappy things together the last 8 years and we always make it back to help eachother through the next. Regardless of this letter, we do have a promise(many promises) to eachother, and with that I will never not have your back. Stay strong darling and I'll see you in *********.
Love,
Sarah
(this was an actual letter written and sent by me in January 2011)
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