I Think You Know

Funny. This was actually just a rant I went on while tweeting when I saw this beautifule #TrendingTopic: #messagetomyex And in the fucking gloriousmood I am in I just pretty much went off. Don't worry they are tweets. It will be quite short.
*Please note this is NOT my ex but it might as well have been

FuckU

#messagetomyex You are the cruelest human being I have ever met. You are only out for yourself and deserve the addiction yiu fight. You
11 minutes ago via web
Favorite Reply Delete

#messagetomyex KILLED me you motherfucker and I wish while sitting on the ground of a scummy college apt i would havenever looked your way!
10 minutes ago via web
Favorite Reply Delete

#messagetomyex You keep coming back and I keep letting you. Why? I love your lies and enjoy the pain. The good times were soo good. Secrets

#messagetomyex werealways kept & pacts were always made but you broke that pact. I'm falling....where are you? You fell and I ran. Fuck You.
9 minutes ago Favorite Reply Delete

I think you know your name by now. And I'm sure the readers are sick of you too. I really cared for you. No we didn't date but it was actually better than that. You were my confidant. Where are you? You told me you loved and cared for me. You leave and never call? Goodbye

P&L
S

You & I Walk A Fragile Line

Subject: truth

Dear *************,

I have to write you this or I would truly regret it. 1st off I hope you had a good day and everything was okay mentally and physically. That's what I care about the most. Due to me changing my flight, I have had endless hours to over analyze things and well all I have been doing is thinking of you. I love how we are now and the wonderful relationship I believe I tricked myself into thinking we have. While going back I've taken a look at the past 7 months. I thought for once we had it all figured out and we're on the same page. We don't fight anymore, we look to each other for advise, to laugh and cry to, it was all perfect. But it was a lie. I see it clear now and I feel horrible about myself that I let this go on and that you would do this to me, whether you realized it or not. Taking it back to August and to now, mid-January, there is not one single time that you have seen me just to see me. Yeah we've spent tons of time together and endless hours, if we are not together, on the phone but maybe you took it too far. Every last single time, and this makes me soo sad, you wanted to see me you always got ****************************. I'm the fool in this situation. I should have seen this pattern a long long time ago. You would always plan things with me and half the time you were not to be found, passed out, or lying to me. I didn't let it bother me and I knew you were sick so I always let it go. I can't let it go any further though.

After spending the past few days with you this weekend you kept repeating that you needed me and how you wished I wasn't leaving this week so I could stay in Pittsburgh with you for just a bit longer. I threw it out there that maybe I should change my flight and you were all for it. So excited you were that I was going to stay and be there with you. And I would have never thought twice. When someone I love someone that is going through a rough patch and needs me, I am there. I knew you would have done the same. I changed my flight and you were so excited for me and here I am, alone, not even helping do anything for you, 3 days after I should have left. I haven't even seen you since the afternoon we left your apartment. You asked me to stay for this weekend imparticular and I haven't even seen or heard from you today. I REALLY just want what is best for you so if you being at home right now, instead of us going to hide out at your apt, it does not bother me at all. I'm not selfish in that matter but I believe you were selfish when you brought up me leaving and how you needed me and then didn't. And you, of all people,you knew I had to get to L.A. more than anyone. We both know that that pittsburgh is bad for us.

Also as the old saying goes "actions speak louder than words", I always here how much I am to you and all these wonderful things from you but you never show me. And by showing I don't mean doing anything with money. I mean just maybe, just anything, to show in a way other than words how much I have done for you, really means to you. It could be a letter, a flower, a big kiss and a hug, a special day for me. Anything really. I go over and beyond to show you in actions how much I care. I know you care, don't get me wrong, but sometimes the way you care for me actually hurts. I look dumb. Friendships/Relationships work both ways. You put in what you get and well I put in a lot into our relationship because you mean soooo much to me, *************, you just have no idea. It saddens me that sometimes you can't say I love you back when we hang up at night or thank me everytime when I save you from another mishap that you have made.

As you can see this letter is far from anything mean. I actually cried throughout writing it. I can't believe I didn't pick up on these things before. I'm the stupid one not you. I just really hope you can explain it somehow even though it's pretty black and white or have a way to make it up to me this week so I know that this wonderful friendship (I look to you as one of my best friends, a person I adore, and can be with forever and never want to go), is what we believe. I have feelings just like you do. We've been through some really crappy things together the last 8 years and we always make it back to help eachother through the next. Regardless of this letter, we do have a promise(many promises) to eachother, and with that I will never not have your back. Stay strong darling and I'll see you in *********.

Love,
Sarah
(this was an actual letter written and sent by me in January 2011)

And the Next Will Be Revealed

May is Mental Health Month for Mental Health America. There are a lot of things you can do to help other than make donations. My personal way of seeing someone help is when they take the time to learn and understand Depression, especially if you have a family member, friend, or colleague in your life that is suffering. It took my parents over 12 years to finally understand the depths of my illness and they are STILL learning. It's a very hard thing to grasp because you don't want to see anyone in the deep throws of a clinical depression episode. But it's something you have to learn, deal, help, and give hope. So what I wish for this May is for all of my friends and my Dad(who still has a really hard time with it), to take a few extra hours and learn about this subject. It's actually fascinating and highly interesting to see how the brain works differently on each individual human being. Thank You.

"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass," or "it could be worse" -- all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."

"You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you."

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

“Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts”

"A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it."

"Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem."

"In the dark there is no seeing of the light. It eats at you until you feel as though you can no longer walk or breathe. It comes out of no where and there is no control in your mind to save you from these demons. But in the end, after what could be 3 months to many many years, you wake up one day and hope comes through....just when you had given up. The sun shines again, dreams come back in full swing, and you are the strongest person on this earth." -S. Hollock

When you do make it out of a depressive episode, the alive you feel is different than anyone else's. You have been to hell again and somehow you and God found a way to make it back to see the wonderful heavens. If I could have one wish it would be that no one would ever have to go through what I have but in another way I wouldn't have become the person I am and love today. There will be a day when the blackness returns and giving up seems like the best doing, but you have to remember the heavens that you will reach when you wake and see the light again.

Peace&Hope
S
**If anyone has any questions or just absolutely anything they would like to tell me that they have gone through, please feel free to message me. Getting it out helps and finding that person who understands is one in a million. I love you all.

For an Endless Song That Never Starts

I'm Completely Falling

But You Beat Me Down

Must You Always Win

Teasing With Your Evil Heart

Crawling Through Cobwebs of Mess

I Feel Your Lips

I'm So High On This Ground

Why Am I Still Down

P&L
S

Like What the Hell Was I Thinking?

Most of us are not perfect children. Actually I'm sure none of us are but some us do cause a little more pain and drama to our parents and family than others. For those of you that are coming from this place and have been through some very serious matters, this is for you.

Last week around this time one of my very dear friends made a point of it to really reach out and thank his parents for being there by his side after all the pain and fear he has caused him. And he reminded me that I should do the same. I followed and thanked my parents for the unconditional love they give me, no matter what the situation I may be going through. It's really hard for me to do this sometimes because I usually begin to cry. I just feel so blessed and lucky to have made it through to be able to tell my parents I love them each day. I, along with a few of my friends, are truly very lucky to be alive. There is a point though where where we get fed up with the need to walk on stones around our parents and having them watch you like a hawk at all times. Even if you are a thousand miles away. This comes from fear. From the time where they lied awake not knowing what tomorrow would bring for their dear child. Would they be sad, would tomorrow be the day that they overdose, and why and how did this happen to their child? I am trying to understand my parents better and the constant watching and worrying even though I am currently doing very well(so well that it scares me at times and I have to pinch myself). Now when you are in this mist of a mess, I do and can see where they are coming from. Sometimes though all the love and worry turns into screaming matches and "I hate yous". This solves nothing but when in a bad place you are soo beyond gone that you don't know what to do, what to say, where to turn, and express most of it all through anger. And who does this anger get taken out on the most......those that you love and care about. I've taken a lot just from helping a couple friends and seeing their attitudes and moods being extremely negative and almost mean at times. It's not meant to be towards us but you are soo aggitated and lost you lose control. I can handle this because I've been there. But most of our parents have not. This is where we need to come up with a solution between the one at risk and the close family and friends. Do you have any solutions that have worked best for you in these times? I am still trying to find a way to be rational when things are brought up. My two dear friends that are having a hard time right now use screaming matches as a way of coping. We know it's not the right thing but when put on the spot that is just whats going to happen. I tried to find further information on this problem involving communication.

As you can see by watching Intervention or Celebrity Rehab or by just reading the Rolling Stone article with Eminem that I wrote about last evening; You will see that when in rehab, while on drugs, while dealing with depression and anxiety, that you are sooooo far out that you are just a shell of yourself at the time. You're angry. Who wants to be a prisoner to a substance or wake up everyday hoping today may be the day you die? Nobody and unless you have been there it's actually truly impossible to explain. Our parents try soo hard and they go to classes and try to learn about these diseases and basically do EVERYTHING in their power to try to understand. But it's something that you cannot understand no matter how much you study or how much we try to tell you how we feel. It's not like cancer where you know what is going on and what is or may happen. This is a lifetime disease and the days are unknown. I wake up and wonder why I am still doing ok. That's how scared I am from the fact that I know one of these days I will most likely face that nightmare again. Parents don't get that so even when you are having really great days you can within 24 hours be having a bad day where you want to give up or turn to a substance.

A great observation of this is shown through the documentary, Britney: For the Record. This documentary was filmed about 8 months after Britney had her last stay at the hospital and in the film, Britney, and her father show the pain that Britney's disorder have affected her and her family. The worst part of Britney's case though is that she still, after 3 entire years in January, is still under a conservatorship through her father which basically allows her to have enough freedom of those at age 17. This is a great film to watch when you feel like you have to hard from your parents and life in general. And even though Britney states a couple times that everything could have been/be a lot worse that can happen and how grateful she is to be alive, she is basically a prisoner to the law. At the time this was filmed, Britney was not even allowed to drive as one of the laws that her father made. Can you imagine not being able to get in your car and drive? Her father loves her and you can see that a lot. A couple times in the film, Jamie(Brit's dad), begins to cry just by looking at Britney or seeing her smile. Both my mother and father have done this from time to time since I have been well. It's tears of joy and tears just for the fact that we are alive. Yesterday afternoon I had to drive my Dad to get his car and I was singing Taylor Swift really loud and obnoxiously and he began to cry. It saddens me that I've caused them so much fear and pain that they cry when they see me happy and safe because they thought they may never see that again. In Britney's situation she doesn't have someone just asking her 20 questions a day, she is actually under law by her parents. She gets an allowance, told what she can do and with whom, and is NOT going to get better if this keeps going on. I mean what the hell do her medical records say that is soo awful that she must be under lock and key by her father who was a raging alcoholic and did not treat her mother or her brother and sister well throughout.....well actually just about up until 4-5 years ago when he was able to finally get clean. I watch the news and see these addicts with mental problems robbing and raping and they don't seem to get it as bad. The law is awful and you're definitely not treated like a person but rather a number that is soo diseased that it should have no right to have any say. "I just cope with it every day....It's better not to feel anything at all and have hope than to feel the other way . . . It's bad. I'm sad." Does anybody know why she's still under this conservatorship? Can you imagine being 29 years old and not be able to make your own decisions? This is what I call an EXTREME way to parents a child with medical disorders. It's just not right.

So as much as I get annoyed, and my dear friends get annoyed we must remember there are people going through the same things we are. And what it's called is love. Whether it's screaming, threatening to do something, or giving you the "where, who, how long, what ya doing?", we need to understand that our parents are just as scared, if not more, then we are. And if you haven't seen this Documentary, I highly recommend it. It's a very sad insight on a girl who would do anything to just be normal and has lost control of her life. It brings you back down to earth in a big way.

Here's a little sneak peak



Peace & Love
S

For for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

A couple of years ago I purchased a book titled, "If I'd Known Then: Women in Their 20's and 30's Write Letters to Their Younger Selves". Now due to the boring nature of this book and the horribly boring stories written by Jessica Alba(I guess she got her breasts early and the boys called her a slut and she decided to use condoms. Really Jessica? Horrible story!), Sasha Cohen(trying not to concentrate on the past or the future but the present), and Plum Sykes(trying to tell herself that being shy is chic. Yah ok?). So what I'm going to do hear is going to differ a little from these stories and hopefully give you a little something more exciting to read. I'm writing myself at the age of 17. (ok mine might be a tad boring as well but at least it's not about early development of breats)

Dear Sarah,

You work so hard on trying to be normal, popular, and fit in that you often forget who you truly are. I hate to tell you this but you will never be a Cheerleader and you will never date the Quarterback of the football team. You cry so many nights away because of this. Things that are "normal" to you, aren't usually normal to most 17 year old. But it's all you've ever known and you want to throw it away. You fight with your parents in front of your friends about dance classes that you have every evening. Trying to look like you don't care and would rather go hang out at the mall with your friends and crush. But in all actuality, you live to go to your dance classes. You have since you were 4. Yes, no one may know what it's like to spend 3-4 hours every evening after school and on the weekend practicing your craft. But you know what joy it brings you and how much talent you carry. And most people don't find out what they were placed on this earth to do so very young. But you do and you should be proud.

Go hang out with your drama club friends at school and forget about the harsh words that come out of many kids mouths. The words "dork", "loser", "drama geek", and etc. are going to actually make you laugh in just a couple years. You wait and see. I'm so proud of you for staying in the path you did and working your butt off everyday for something you knew was going to be your future. How many kids do that? Yeah....you missed out on having your first drink in high school, school dance activities, and the popularity you wanted so badly. Does it even phase you now? No. Always be true to who you are and follow your heart. You are about to make one huge mistake by going to a non performing arts college, but in the end it gave you the sense of normalcy that you were always searching for so please don't kick yourself everyday because you think you should regret your choice. You were a very smart young lady. And guess what you are doing today with your life.....still chasing the same dream and with hard work and a lot of belief in yourself, you will continue to succeed more than those that had mad fun of you. And just an FYI....people only make fun and talk about people out of jealousy. Always remember that. You're wonderful the way you are!

Your superfreak inner self,

S

Parental Discretion Is Advised

Photo looks like a pile of candy doesn't it!?

Like I said from the start of this whole writing thing, and I did give fair warning if you had the time to read my "info" section on here, that there would be talk about Pain Management......and well today is the day. We're gonna do a little talk about all the lovely pills of the world....benzo's, opiates, amphetamines and much more. 1st off though I would like to state Do Not Do What I Do. I am a highly experienced pill popper and have done days and days of research over the years. I am also, if you can't notice, a huge hypochondriac. So before I touch any type of medication that my doctor suggests or someone might give me I do a lot of researching, unless I have already taken it before.

Well tonight I was in for quite the surprise. I have been sick for almost 3 weeks now and although it is probably just a virus that needs to get out of my system, due to my huge anxiety disorder(I think I am ALWAYS dying), I decided that it was in my best nature to go back to my doctors office for a little visit. All was fun and games until tonight when I pull out the informational guide on a antibiotic I was given for my head and chest. I'm getting better at trusting the doctors and letting them give me what they want even though I usually like to diagnose myself and choose what I take. I should have stuck to my guns today because whatever the hell antibiotic I was given has warnings of DEATH! That is why I am up right now writing this because I cannot sleep! I even took an extra klonopin to calm me but that's not working so now I'm just going to not sleep cause I'm a hot mess from reading this info on the great Avelox.

"Avelox can cause effects that may be serious or even cause death." Great!

You know how there has been a huge outbreak of prescription drug overdoses? This is why! No one reads the pamphlets and even though I LOVEEEEEE my peeps at my target pharmacy who know my name, we chat more about fun stuff over the risks of the meds and how if they are mixed they could be dangerous. I do this on my own. I have had panic disorder since I was 21 so believe me I'm checking if my outside pharmaceuticals mesh ok with my normal daily ones. Here are a few tips I've caught onto over the years to make sure that I, myself, have never od'd.


Top 10 Things You May Not Know About Prescription Meds:

10. Do not ever mix the same class of drugs together when taking opiates and benzo's.
No cocktails of klonopin, xanax, and atavan. Or perc's, vic's, and lortabs. That's a death sentence.

9. ALWAYS read what you are taking. I mean I may die tonight because I decided to be a hard ass today and take this "avelox" without reading!

8. Crazy things can happen when on Ambien if you don't put yourself to bed right as you take it. I had a friend who redid her entire closet one night and didn't remember ANY of it!

7. Be like my Dad. His doc put him on Lipator and my Dad REALLY REALLY didn't want to be on it so the next time he went to his cardiologist he brought in 20 pages of research on the negative affects of the drug. He no longer has to take Lipitor.

6. On a psychiatric point of view you MUST do your work. Especially on anti-depressants. I believe asking people and friends that you know that have been on them so you can get a clear idea. Doctors probably have not been on then so what they suggest is usually shit!

5. Don't get addicted to tranquilizers. Benzo's(atavan, xanax, klonopin, valium), and alcohol are the ONLY drugs you can die from withdrawal from. I know that sounds nuts but it's the truth. I wish I was never given any of them but that's what they give you when you have anxiety disorders and you're basically immediately screwed. It's amazing what they can do but is it worth the price in the long run?

4. If you are in pain always get a narcotic(I prefer a good percacet or lortab.) Anti-Inflammatory pills are a bore and do not work. I had to learn about all of this pain management business this summer when my 2 bulging disks in my back left me barely walking.

3. It is absolutely fine to take adderoll and klonopin together or one during the day and one at night. The mesh well together. I don't take adderoll but some of my friends do that are still in grad school.

2. No matter how bad you want to sleep DO NOT MIX YOUR DRUGS!!!!!! I used to do this and then I learned of Heath Ledger. He and I were basically taking the same things minus the oxycotin. I've discovered Benedryl can be a great sleep aid and its safe with everything.

1. When given a cough always get one with a narcotic because I know for me, I'll be up all night coughing and that is just misery and like I always say....life is too short to be unhappy. TussionEx, Promethazine(purple drank for you rappers out there, and Hydromet are the best and you will sleep great!

Hope I could help next time you need to take a drug!

Peace and Love

S