And the Next Will Be Revealed

May is Mental Health Month for Mental Health America. There are a lot of things you can do to help other than make donations. My personal way of seeing someone help is when they take the time to learn and understand Depression, especially if you have a family member, friend, or colleague in your life that is suffering. It took my parents over 12 years to finally understand the depths of my illness and they are STILL learning. It's a very hard thing to grasp because you don't want to see anyone in the deep throws of a clinical depression episode. But it's something you have to learn, deal, help, and give hope. So what I wish for this May is for all of my friends and my Dad(who still has a really hard time with it), to take a few extra hours and learn about this subject. It's actually fascinating and highly interesting to see how the brain works differently on each individual human being. Thank You.

"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass," or "it could be worse" -- all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."

"You don't have to control your thoughts; you just have to stop letting them control you."

"It is never too late to be what you might have been."

“Depression is nourished by a lifetime of ungrieved and unforgiven hurts”

"A lot of people don't realize that depression is an illness. I don't wish it on anyone, but if they would know how it feels, I swear they would think twice before they just shrug it."

"Depression can seem worse than terminal cancer, because most cancer patients feel loved and they have hope and self-esteem."

"In the dark there is no seeing of the light. It eats at you until you feel as though you can no longer walk or breathe. It comes out of no where and there is no control in your mind to save you from these demons. But in the end, after what could be 3 months to many many years, you wake up one day and hope comes through....just when you had given up. The sun shines again, dreams come back in full swing, and you are the strongest person on this earth." -S. Hollock

When you do make it out of a depressive episode, the alive you feel is different than anyone else's. You have been to hell again and somehow you and God found a way to make it back to see the wonderful heavens. If I could have one wish it would be that no one would ever have to go through what I have but in another way I wouldn't have become the person I am and love today. There will be a day when the blackness returns and giving up seems like the best doing, but you have to remember the heavens that you will reach when you wake and see the light again.

Peace&Hope
S
**If anyone has any questions or just absolutely anything they would like to tell me that they have gone through, please feel free to message me. Getting it out helps and finding that person who understands is one in a million. I love you all.

Like What the Hell Was I Thinking?

Most of us are not perfect children. Actually I'm sure none of us are but some us do cause a little more pain and drama to our parents and family than others. For those of you that are coming from this place and have been through some very serious matters, this is for you.

Last week around this time one of my very dear friends made a point of it to really reach out and thank his parents for being there by his side after all the pain and fear he has caused him. And he reminded me that I should do the same. I followed and thanked my parents for the unconditional love they give me, no matter what the situation I may be going through. It's really hard for me to do this sometimes because I usually begin to cry. I just feel so blessed and lucky to have made it through to be able to tell my parents I love them each day. I, along with a few of my friends, are truly very lucky to be alive. There is a point though where where we get fed up with the need to walk on stones around our parents and having them watch you like a hawk at all times. Even if you are a thousand miles away. This comes from fear. From the time where they lied awake not knowing what tomorrow would bring for their dear child. Would they be sad, would tomorrow be the day that they overdose, and why and how did this happen to their child? I am trying to understand my parents better and the constant watching and worrying even though I am currently doing very well(so well that it scares me at times and I have to pinch myself). Now when you are in this mist of a mess, I do and can see where they are coming from. Sometimes though all the love and worry turns into screaming matches and "I hate yous". This solves nothing but when in a bad place you are soo beyond gone that you don't know what to do, what to say, where to turn, and express most of it all through anger. And who does this anger get taken out on the most......those that you love and care about. I've taken a lot just from helping a couple friends and seeing their attitudes and moods being extremely negative and almost mean at times. It's not meant to be towards us but you are soo aggitated and lost you lose control. I can handle this because I've been there. But most of our parents have not. This is where we need to come up with a solution between the one at risk and the close family and friends. Do you have any solutions that have worked best for you in these times? I am still trying to find a way to be rational when things are brought up. My two dear friends that are having a hard time right now use screaming matches as a way of coping. We know it's not the right thing but when put on the spot that is just whats going to happen. I tried to find further information on this problem involving communication.

As you can see by watching Intervention or Celebrity Rehab or by just reading the Rolling Stone article with Eminem that I wrote about last evening; You will see that when in rehab, while on drugs, while dealing with depression and anxiety, that you are sooooo far out that you are just a shell of yourself at the time. You're angry. Who wants to be a prisoner to a substance or wake up everyday hoping today may be the day you die? Nobody and unless you have been there it's actually truly impossible to explain. Our parents try soo hard and they go to classes and try to learn about these diseases and basically do EVERYTHING in their power to try to understand. But it's something that you cannot understand no matter how much you study or how much we try to tell you how we feel. It's not like cancer where you know what is going on and what is or may happen. This is a lifetime disease and the days are unknown. I wake up and wonder why I am still doing ok. That's how scared I am from the fact that I know one of these days I will most likely face that nightmare again. Parents don't get that so even when you are having really great days you can within 24 hours be having a bad day where you want to give up or turn to a substance.

A great observation of this is shown through the documentary, Britney: For the Record. This documentary was filmed about 8 months after Britney had her last stay at the hospital and in the film, Britney, and her father show the pain that Britney's disorder have affected her and her family. The worst part of Britney's case though is that she still, after 3 entire years in January, is still under a conservatorship through her father which basically allows her to have enough freedom of those at age 17. This is a great film to watch when you feel like you have to hard from your parents and life in general. And even though Britney states a couple times that everything could have been/be a lot worse that can happen and how grateful she is to be alive, she is basically a prisoner to the law. At the time this was filmed, Britney was not even allowed to drive as one of the laws that her father made. Can you imagine not being able to get in your car and drive? Her father loves her and you can see that a lot. A couple times in the film, Jamie(Brit's dad), begins to cry just by looking at Britney or seeing her smile. Both my mother and father have done this from time to time since I have been well. It's tears of joy and tears just for the fact that we are alive. Yesterday afternoon I had to drive my Dad to get his car and I was singing Taylor Swift really loud and obnoxiously and he began to cry. It saddens me that I've caused them so much fear and pain that they cry when they see me happy and safe because they thought they may never see that again. In Britney's situation she doesn't have someone just asking her 20 questions a day, she is actually under law by her parents. She gets an allowance, told what she can do and with whom, and is NOT going to get better if this keeps going on. I mean what the hell do her medical records say that is soo awful that she must be under lock and key by her father who was a raging alcoholic and did not treat her mother or her brother and sister well throughout.....well actually just about up until 4-5 years ago when he was able to finally get clean. I watch the news and see these addicts with mental problems robbing and raping and they don't seem to get it as bad. The law is awful and you're definitely not treated like a person but rather a number that is soo diseased that it should have no right to have any say. "I just cope with it every day....It's better not to feel anything at all and have hope than to feel the other way . . . It's bad. I'm sad." Does anybody know why she's still under this conservatorship? Can you imagine being 29 years old and not be able to make your own decisions? This is what I call an EXTREME way to parents a child with medical disorders. It's just not right.

So as much as I get annoyed, and my dear friends get annoyed we must remember there are people going through the same things we are. And what it's called is love. Whether it's screaming, threatening to do something, or giving you the "where, who, how long, what ya doing?", we need to understand that our parents are just as scared, if not more, then we are. And if you haven't seen this Documentary, I highly recommend it. It's a very sad insight on a girl who would do anything to just be normal and has lost control of her life. It brings you back down to earth in a big way.

Here's a little sneak peak



Peace & Love
S

Going Through Peaks and Valleys, Dilly Dallying

I'm sorry but what I had planned for tonight I cannot finish due to me just having a plan out bad day. We all get them but mine are just a little more complicated as most of you know by now. But I do not want anyone's pity but would like to get some understanding so once again I'll please ask you to, if you haven't already, learn about something this week that you don't know about or feel as though you do but you really don't. Discrimination, Gay Rights, Panic Disorder, Addiction, Hate Crimes. And as always, please remember that "And Who Are You Again?" is a judge free place to come and read away and ask questions about whatever you'd like to me. I have, over the past 1 1/2, dedicated myself to always trying to help at least one other person with whatever kind of demon they are battling, each and everyday. Love you all. It's for all of us when we are having our "Britney" moments!









So I had a really shitty day. I woke up at 7am drenched in sweat with a nasty panic attack. It was one of the worst ones that I have had in quite sometime. I have no idea why or what made it come about but it's just another disorder I've been battling since I was 21. I've accepted it as a part of my daily life and take the steps and measures to keep them on the low and stable. But until this evening this fucking panic attack wasn't coming to an end. Although I am still shaky and feel numbness in my back, I am beginning to feel better and with these few steps I'll teach you how to deal with anxiety or full blown panic attacks for you to have a better understanding and to get through them.







Rule #1 You're Not Going To Die (it's the automatic common response since your body goes directly into fight or flight mode)







Rule#2 Breathe as deep and as much as you can. Try to close your eyes and realize what is happening is something that you've dealt with hundreds of times before. You can get through this.







Rule#3 Don't start popping the Klonopin/Valium immediately. Use your exercises you were taught through your psychiatrist, therapist, theories your fellow friends that suffer as well believe to work, and just keep breathing. The only one that works for me is the breathing one and sometimes that doesn't even work so I just have to get through the day minute by minute, hour by hour. It's my life. I'm used to it.







Rule#4 Do not sit and stare at a wall all day thinking about it. You will not improve by any means. Let out a good cry(they are very scary), call your best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend, and try to eat something even though you feel like you are going to throw up.







Rule#5 Help someone else is is a little worse off then you today. It will give you something to focus on and helping out another friend in need that is going through something as well, always feels rewarding and comforting. (this is when I slightly started to feel better today)







Rule#6 If you've been to Rehab or Outpatient or maybe you know someone who knows exactly how you feel because they've been there. Get it out and talk. I have 2 very important people in my life, one who I met in rehab, and another that has been a good friend of mine for years and has been in rehab and through all of this as well. Call one and get it all out. As much as we LOVEEEE our BFF's and as much as they try to understand, sometimes it will rather harm us then help us to put everything on them when they are not fully educated, even though I know they try their hardest.







Rule#7 Go through all the shit that NO ONE gets, what your feeling, why can't you pinpoint why you are feeling this way, laugh about old terror stories of past, get it out how much you would like for someone to really just live in your life for 24 hours, just for that one day, one how much they could learn about you and how getting through the day is a process, not a simple task. I did this in a 3 hour convo with my closest friend from rehab. We both felt unbelievably better after this!







Rule#8 Feel blessed and thankful for what you have been given. God only gives us as much as we can handle and builds us strength. In the long run, everyone suffers from something, whether they let it be known or not. Stay strong. Be a role model. I would never be who I am today without everything I've been though. I see people and life in a whole different spectrum and accept everyone as who they are. Never judge.







Rule#9 Through drugs and alcohol may seem like the best instant treatment, it's not in the long run. Try as hard as you can to stay away from popping those extra pills or drinks you may have used to use to get by. I am currently sober and have been for the better part of the last 10 months. It's been the best thing I have ever done. Ever. But yes at this time you can take your Klonopin/Valium/Xanax....whatever your are prescribed from your doctor for your disorder. Keep it at your regular dose. If you truly need the medicine, tripling your dosage isn't going to do a thing because you actually need it. You will not get a high.







Rule#10 Pop in the Album that comforts you most in this situation. Tonight, da da dada.......it's Eminem!!!! HUGE surprise I know but my Doody comforts me more than anyone in these times. His albums speak to me in large volumes and no one can replace him in my eyes for being my role model through the addictions, depression, the anxiety, and well you just gotta listen to him. I also though consider myself a huge role model to myself. I've been doing pretty fucking good. Mishaps happen. It's life.











Always believe and have hope. You can get through this. Sometimes there are long detours and sometimes you can find instant relief. Just find whats best for you. I've been dealing with all this since I was 16 and still have no permanent solutions to any of it. I wish I did. Keep the faith <3







P&L

S

You Can See That She's Been There

I know a lot of us at this age do not have a lot of extra money to donate, make contributions, and help with all of the natural disasters that need everything we can. There is a great easier way to start which I hope all of you have been doing for years now but if not, today you can make a change too. There are smaller ways to help. Even if it is just within your community. In the United States of America there are around 37 million who are either completely homeless or are unable to put food on the table and provide other necessities, such as clothing. I was unpacking from a trip recently and I noticed I really don't need half of the things that I am so lucky to have. I also have a large amount of things in storage to go through also. I ALWAYS give my belongings to Goodwill and try to do so at least monthly, but is that the best place to take things you really want those who cannot afford much at all? I only say this because I actually run in there every so often(who doesn't love a great vintage find and in Pittsburgh that's the best we have. No Cheap Jack’s Vintage Clothing here.)

So knowing that people like you and me can be caught rummaging through and buying old clothing at Goodwill, then where does that leave the people that actually need these items......and not for Goodwill prices either, but for free. So I did a little research.

I found an amazing way to donate clothing and other items you no longer need right away! I am soo excited about this one. The international organization is called HUMANA(PEOPLE TO PEOPLE). The overall purpose of the Humana People to People Movement is to create development where it is needed in an effort to minimize the gap between the rich and the poor. As for clothing they reach out to about 6 million people annually through the secondhand clothes sales and distribution system. HUMANA sorts and sells the clothing's to different venues (from recycling industries to vintage-chic Newbury stores). Then the profit becomes capital for development projects in Africa, Asia, and Central America. All you need to do is wash, fold, and bag, and drop your donations off at your nearest Planet Aid Collection Box. Recycling your unwanted clothing and shoes at a Planet Aid collection box is easy, convenient, environmentally smart and economically wise. Because of donations like yours, million of poor people are able to buy affordable clothing for their families, and many tons of textiles that would have been discarded as refuse are being used again!!! Our clothes will be sent where needed if be. Amazing. I just LOVE this program and am very lucky to have one where I currently reside. Please check the website for Planet Aid Collection Boxes in your area!

And this second one that I am about to tell you about is the most amazing thing you can do for a young woman. Prom, Homecoming, or your Sweet Sixteen when you are in High School, to you are the biggest nights of your whole entire life. And having an amazing dress is a HUGE part of it. A lot of families cannot afford to get enough money saved to help the their daughter get a Prom/Special dress or may not have any money at all to contribute. Now that's where we step in. Donate My Dress is absolutely fabulous. I can't even tell how excited I am that I found out about this organization and I sure do wish I would have known about it before(although I always gave my dresses to my cousins or girls that were a student of mine when I teach). But let's all just be excited we know about it now. I can't wait to send out my Cache beaded backless gown from my prom! Donate My Dress is the first national network to bring together local dress drive organizations across the U.S. The help us find our local chapter to donate to in our area so that once we've had our dream night, you can give another girl hers! This glamorous organization also has a ton of celebrity support and help. If you think about it.....who really goes to more special dress events besides them! Please click on the site I will post below and get to work! Great for current and older sorority girls as well, for we have a lot of cocktail dresses from formals and such. DONATE!!!!

Okay now I am all worked up and excited to dig through my closet, which have to admit is a tad selective right now because you know I have a thing for cleaning out my closet bi-monthly. I hope you all are as excited as I am about these new opportunities to help those in need. With Planet Aid, Donate My Dress, and our local Salvation Army and Goodwill, I believe you all will be off to a great start. We have too much when others have nothing. Please remember that and be ever so thankful that we can provide clothing on our backs and food on our tables.

Peace & LOVEEEEE
S
-Please send this link to all of your friends so they can get in on the donations as well. Thank You!