Recovery YO Pt. 3

Em taking a nap on Proof while on tour bus

Inserts out of a Vibe Magazine

Interview from 2009

It’s no secret I had a drug problem. I just don’t think my fans knew how bad it was. When I went to rehab in 2005 I went in for a sleep problem, or I guess a sleep problem is what I thought it was. But it was a drug problem and I wasn’t ready to admit it. I was taking Valium, Ambien, and Vicodin. Valium, Ambien, the numbers got so high I don’t even know what I was taking. I barely made it through that Anger Management 3 tour [Summer 2005]. I got by on the skin of my teeth. I had a rehab doctor that was seeing me through to where I could just take enough to not get sick and be able to sleep at night. The whole idea was, Get me through the tour, through these last couple of weeks, and then I’ll check myself in.

When I went into rehab everyone else was ready for me to go, but I wasn’t. Rehab was a really bad experience for me. Just being a celebrity and s**t, I felt like a fish out of water. It was like, I don’t have a problem. Everybody else has a problem. I’m a grown man, I should be able to do what I wanna do. That’s the things that addicts go through in their mind. I stayed in rehab for probably two weeks—then I checked myself out.

Needless to say, I relapsed. I started taking Vicodin the week after I got home, so I was probably clean for three weeks. Then I started back with the NyQuil. I had a problem with NyQuil even though it’s an over-the-counter thing, it’s a serious trigger for me. I’d try to knock myself out but sometimes if you drink too much it would have the reverse effect and keep you up. So I’m right back on the phone with the dopeman trying to get Valium or whatever I could to sleep.
The problem was bad already, but when the Proof thing happened, it got really bad. It’s not an excuse to use drugs, but man, if I ever had a reason…. It was an excuse for me to just say, f**k it. I just went all out with it. It got worse and worse to the point where I was getting it from anywhere I could. I had friends—or so-called friends—that were using the same s**t that I was. They’d give me s**t and I’d stockpile it.

So one day, this was right before Christmas of 2007, I got ahold of some pills. Somebody gave me some pills that were blue and they were shaped like Vicodin. I went to him looking for anything with codeine in it—Tylenol 3s, 4s, but they gave me these blue pills. They told me, Take these, these are just like Vicodin, only they’re easier on your liver. I remember taking one in the car on the way home, and I was like, Whoa, this is f**kin’ great. I didn’t even ask what it was. I’m like, This makes you mellow and it’s easier on your liver? I got a new drug of choice.

Within a day or two I was back askin’ for more. This time I probably got 15 to 20 of ’em. I think that day I took half. Toward the evening, I remember not being able to get out of bed. I literally couldn’t move. People said that I was actin’ weird that day—actin’ real slow and s**t.

I think I slept from 3 in the afternoon ’til 10 o’clock. That’s when I remember waking up and I couldn’t move. I was like, f**k it, I’ll just lay here. I woke up the next day at noon. I literally slept all the way from 3, 4 in the afternoon ’til noon the next day.

So I get up and I’m like, Okay well, I’m straight…I’m gonna take more. I took half the first day, then I took another half the second day. And the last thing I remember is trying to use the bathroom. I remember standing up to take a piss and I just fell over backward. Smack my back on the trash can, break the trash can. And I get up again, and this time I fall over the other way, to the side. I remember that the bathroom floor was cold. And I remember trying to crawl over to a rug. I got to the rug, and that’s the last thing that I remember. There are some things I have to keep to myself when telling this part of the story for personal reasons.

I woke up in the hospital. The doctor told me those mysterious new pills were methadone, which is used to wean heroin addicts off dope. Had I known it was methadone, I probably wouldn’t have taken it. But as bad as I was back then, I can’t even say 100 percent for sure.

I wasn’t only depressed about Proof, I was depressed about my music in general. All I was taking was downers, strictly sedatives. My mood made my music depressing. And in turn, the depressing music made my mood depressed. My brain was thinking slow. My flow, my cadence, everything was just slow. Every record that I made was, Woe is me, and my life is so f**ked and everything is wrong....

I overdosed, and I was in the hospital for a week detoxing. My doctor told me the amount of methadone I’d taken was equivalent to shooting up four bags of heroin. Even when they told me I almost died, it didn’t click. I was pretty much in a coma for two days. All I remember was just peacefully sleeping and waking up in the hospital like, What the f**k is going on? There’s tubes in me, there’s all kinds of s**t in me.

When you’re told you almost died, in an addict’s brain, this particular addict was thinking, Well I didn’t die, so I’m okay. WHEW! I got lucky. Thank you, God. God, please just please get me through this and I’ll never use again. But lo and behold…

The official word was I had pneumonia. Thing is, I really did have pneumonia; I had taken so many pills that my immune system wasn’t functioning right. They told me that if I’d gotten to the hospital two hours later, I would have died, because I f**ked my kidneys and liver up so bad. My kidneys had almost completely shut down. They were ready to put me on dialysis. -Eminem

PEACE

S

-Just as an FYI incase you didn't know because I didn't until I got Relapse last summer that in the mist of all of his drug use he had lost his very Best Friend from childhood, Proof. They both resided in Detroit together, grew up together, and worked together since they both started rapping in their teens. They also were in the group D-12 together. If you listen to every interview, every mag article, a lot of songs on Recovery, that Eminem is still horrible grieving I feel and states that Proof that was the only person who got him. Feels lost without his Best Friend who was tragically killed in 2006.

Eminem spoke at his best friend Proof's funeral where he said "without Proof, there would be no Eminem, no Slim Shady and no D12." The service sheet said the two men shared the "friendship of a lifetime."

He also dedicated the album Relapse to Proof but only mentioned him a few times in the album, unlike Recovery where he is mentioned heavily in almost every track and even if he's not mentioned in a track you can still feel that this album is his therapeutic way of trying to still figure out life without him.

Relapse Album Dedication to Proof-

Proof,

No matter how much time passes, not a day goes by that I don't think of you.

If it weren't for you, I would not be where I am today and we both know it.

I tried to write song for you but nothing was good enough,

so I'm dedicating them all to you-and you'd be happy to know that I spazzed out

on 'em gain! I know you wouldn't have it any other way! Fuck 'em all--let's get 'em!

P.S. I'm sober now, I know you'd be proud.

I love you Doody, I'll never forget you.

Love, Doody

We're in Recovery Yo Part II

As one of my favorite friends once said about rehab centers and hospitals, "So was everyone like real fucked in the head there? Pretty crazy? Ohh good cause I feel much more relaxed around those I can relate to." And why do you think Eminem is so relatable? Because he's always been "out there", never held one thought back, rhymed about topics that were never thought to be talked about, and now he comes to us with an insane, truthful, honest account of his way through the darkness of depression, drug abuse, and hopelessness; Only to show us that it can be done, even though it may be the most difficult thing you do, and he's there with these two albums, his interviews, and his strength to help current and recovering addicts stay strong. I think what he did is heroic in a sense. And I'm sure those who have "been there" are there with me on that.



THIS ALBUM IS DEDICATED 2 ANYONE WHO'S IN A DARK PLACE
TRYIN' 2 GET OUT, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP....
IT DOES GET BETTER!-recovery 2010

I did a lot of research on Eminem lately because I won't act like I was a huge fan cause I wasn't and I wanted to write these pieces about him with full knowledge, and love. I respected him as a musician and especially as a lyricist but his name would never pop out when asked what my favorite music was as it would today. Chronic and Chronic 2001 were my rap albums and Snoop and Dre, to me, were like gods to me.(still are) Eminem's 1st album came out the same year as Britney. All the boys would rap Em all day and all the girls would sing Brit. hahaha. Then 1 song really captured my attention and that was Stan which I consider to be one of the best pieces of work done by an artist ever. But other than that, yes I enjoyed dancing to his music in bars or listen to while driving, but nothing too crazy. Now skip 10 years later and a recent trip to rehab, I was introduced to him again. My friend is insanely obsessed with Eminem. Almost equal to my obsession to Britney. So when he told me to go get this album I put it off for a while. My friend and I both had both gotten out of rehab about umm 1 & 1/4 years ago if you want to round it. He's got like 6 months on me. But he started to tell me what Eminem was going through and it hit me soo hard I went out and got Relapse that day.

I REALLY REALLY dislike when people have neg. feelings about that album. Or even when Eminem says it is "ehh". Relapse helped me in soo many ways that I cannot even count! And I know that Em knows that putting Relapse out there like that did help people and even saved a lot of lives. Relapse as a whole is just insane. Insanely amazing! He uses this magnificent other voice as this crazy serial killer and rappist then went into intense songs about getting better or maybe getting worse again. I can see how people wouldn't see this as their favorite Emimen album but to me and all the others trying to get better, trying to get out of the dark, falling back into your cycle, and just trying to understand what the F is going on with you......well then this album will speak the world to you. To me, this album got to me just when I needed it. Besides my friend, I truly didn't have anyone else who understood how hard this all was. How my life changed overnight. I was lost and had trouble figuring out who the hell I was supposed to be now? No ones perfect and I think that was a completely normal reaction to what I had been through. Eminem states in a recent interview that "if I didn't have pills to fall back on, I would have been a full blown alcoholic for sure." I had and knew the same issue well. So in the recovery process down the road, I began on my mission to quit drinking and am actually enjoying it. Relapse touches on his alcohol abuse and not anywhere near his issues with a few certain pharmacutical drugs imparticular; Valium, Ambien, and Vicoden.

Another statement/which is actually a fact, that Em brought up in an interview was "The more depressed I got the more drugs I took, and the more drugs I took the more depressed I got." Yep, pretty much how that works. Uhh to all my friends who read this might sounds a tad familiar. All of this started with a sleeping problem that he had had developed. He began taking ambien. After the ambien combined with his large NyQuil addiction, started to not work he started using Valium. Now after a while that didn't work so he started taking Vicoden. He stuck with that mixture for a while. I won't comment on those 3 drugs and the OTC bottles of NyQuil but I will say I developed a serious case of insomnia in '07 that no matter what, and I mean no matter what I took, no matter what combo I tried; I never was able to sleep. I actually will say that this was one of the worst periods in my life. I finally went and got help and haven't had it back again until currently. It's my life and I just deal. I can date back to starting at about 15 years old getting bouts of Insomnia. It feels like you are starting to lose your mind when you go for months on only about 2 hours of sleep a day. (my doctor gave me whatever I wanted cause she felt so bad but I got nothing out of it but an addiction to xanax) You just want to sleep. Even for one night. And the sleep never comes. Someone who was suffering from insomnia wasn't that lucky and took just about what I was taking at the time but add in an oxy. Heath Ledger never woke up. That was a huge wake up call for me. Right around the same time, Marshall Mathers OD'd as well but was found in time and saved.

Eminem didn't OD on his ambien, vics, or benzos alone but actually something else he was given after being told the drug was just like a vic. And it truly blows what happened but you know how somethings happen for a reason.......well I kinda wanna say that if he didn't have this horrific experience, well then the world still might not have him and his wonderful talent back yet.
See me and you we almost had the same outcome Heath
Cuz that christmas you know the pneumonia thing
It was bolognya was it the methadone ya think? -deja vu

"Don't let em' say you ain't beautiful, They can all get fucked just stay true to you"-beautiful

Peace & Love
S

"So dark and so cold, my friends dont know this other side of me. There's a monster inside of me that's quite ugly, it's frightening me!" -stay wide awake

Recovery YO Pt. I

I am sorry for my absence. I have no excuses. I am weak right now and writing outside of what only I can see, seems very difficult. But I'm gonna give it a shot and we'll take it from there. Seems appropriate to pick myself up and make some changes when this week we will celebrate the album release of Recovery by Marshall Mathers(Eminem). If you don't already own Relapse, we'll be covering a couple tracks on there as well. If you look into my archives and read the blog from the beginning you will see what this blog is truly about. It's about my struggles before and after rehab and my journey on becoming this new person. You can pretty much see when I am having good times and when I am having bad times. You can also notice my recovery status by the music that is mentioned in my writing. More than anything in the world, sitting in a room with a pen and paper and my music, is usually my favorite place to be. There's something about being alone with your thoughts and just letting yourself actually feel, is something that is very moving. Because as you know, many of us recovering addicts, always want to still be numb and feel nothing.

Tonight I would like to talk about addictions. Addictions that you pick up to make you focus on something that distracts you from whats going on in your real world. Something that makes you forget. Makes you feel that your "new" addictions are all that matter. Something else to completely consume your mind. And the best part is that all of your addiction are in YOUR control. Nobody can mess with them. They are yours and life can't pop in, steal them, wreck them, or ruin them for you. But the addictions can ruin you. They can steal and lie to you, and ultimately kill you. I'm not saying that all addictions are bad because they are not, but nothing should ultimately run your minute to minute thoughts. That's when you know your in a bad place.

Addiction is a chronic relapsing brain disease. Brain imaging shows that addiction severely alters brain areas critical to decision-making, learning and memory, and behavior control, which may help to explain the compulsive and destructive behaviors of addiction. (www.hbo.com/addiction)

*I love/hate this definition. Very true and straight to the point but can also lead those who don't know thinking that people with addictions are uneducated and dumb. Some of my favorite artists, musicians, dancers, actors, therapists, etc. were all addicts and they are some of the most genius individuals in the world. Especially the man we are dedicating this week to.....Marshall Mathers.

What I want to say is that addictions are things you do to avoid or try to numb what is going on with or around you. In the addiction process, or most likely before, you will experience depression. To me, everything stems from a depressive state of mind. You are hurting inside but you found something that numbs it for you. For a while you are fine then it comes on like a lighting bolt and you are a full on addict and what you used to control how you felt now controls you. It's a horrible experience and those who have been through it are really the only ones that understand what it feels like or why you chose that. Addiction is also a disease of the brain where you can see, we'll use alcohol for example, figure #1 have three drinks and stop for the next hour till he goes home, or you can have figure #2 that cannot stop drinking once started and will proceed to drink the entire night.

I'm not going to proceed to write down what substances stood in my way but I will say my best friends don't even know some. And if you look through these writings I bet you can figure out or at least get an idea of some. I'm not ashamed nor am I quiet about everything. But those are my memories and don't really feel like having story time right now. None of this is fun and none of this is easy. It's a horrendous process. The addiction, the rehabilitation, the recovery and all the many "slips" and "relapses" that will come and go throughout this life long battle. For some reason this was given to me and as the old saying goes "I know God will not give me anything I can't handle, but I wish he didn't trust me so much." I will say this much about addicts and that is-We ARE the strong ones and WE are the fighters.

**those who do not know much about the subject please visit www.hbo.com/addiction where you can learn literally everything you've ever wanted to know, print out pages, and even watch documentaries from addicts themselves.
Peace and Love

S

You scream "someone save me"......

.....but they don't pay no mind, Goodbye.

I appreciate ALL music but I just wanted to give a shout out to someone who is not only helping me but I'm sure helping MILLIONS for the recent music he has put out over the last year and a new album "Recovery" coming out in June. It's funny how I bought this CD but one of my good guy friends who is also in recovery kept talking about it. I didn't think a thing because the kid loves Eminem as much as I love Britney. Truth. But I said F it one day while in Best Buy and picked up a copy. I came home and listened to the entire 20 track album. Ay 1st I found it a bit fucked up. Actually there are still songs I don't listen to. But my friend told me which tracks to focus on so I listened to those over again and again and again and here I am in May still talking about this album like I just bought it when in reality I've had it since early fall.

If you have been through some shit or you haven't this is still an amazing album. If you have been in the dark, blocked in by depression, addiction, and feel like you can't get yourself up again, you will honestly think think some of these tracks or even just pieces of lyrics are for you. I was talking to Allison last night and although she doesn't have "Relapse" she had listened to a couple tracks before and it was frightening how much she could relate. Below are the lyrics to one of my favorite peices. It's track 16, into on 15. It's about slipping up just a little and how quickly it turns into a relapse. I don't think anyone could have put it into words better than Eminem on what it's like. Because this is it. Period. Step by step.

Deja Vu

As I fall deeper into a manic state,
I'm a prime candidate for the gene to receive the drug addict trait.
Blood pressure climbs at a dramatic rate,
I seem to gravitate to the bottle of NyQuil then I salivate.
Start off with the NyQuil like 'I think I'll just have a taste'.
Couple of sips of that then I gradually graduate,
to a harder prescription drug called Valium like yeah that's great.
I go to take just one and I end up like having eight.
Now I need something in my stomach cuz I haven't ate.
Maybe I'll grab a plate of nachos and I'll have a steak.
And you'd think that with all I have at stake,
Look at my daughters face...
'Mommy somethings is wrong with dad I think!
He's acting weird again, he's really beginning to scare me.
Wont shave his beard again and he pretends he doesn't hear me.
And all he does is eat Doritos and Cheetos,
and he just fell asleep in his car eating three musketeers in the rear seat'.

Sometimes I feel so alone,
I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.
So lonely and cold, it's like something takes over me,
soon as I go home and close the door.
Kinda feels like Deja Vu, I wanna get away from this place I do,
but I can't and I wont say I tried but I know that's a lie cuz I don't,
and why, I just don't know.....

Maybe just a nice cold brew, what's a beer?
That's the devil in my ear I been sober a fuckin' year.
And that fucker still talks to me, he's all I can fuckin hear,
'Marshall come on we'll watch the game it's the Cowboys and Buccaneers'.
And maybe if I just drink half I'll be half buzzed for half of the time.
Who's that mastermind behind that little line?
With that kind of rational man I got half a mind,
to have another half of glass of wine sounds asinine, yeah I know.
But I never had no problem with alcohol.
Ouch look out for the wall aim for the couch I'm about to fall.
I missed the couch and down I go looking like a bouncing ball.
Shit must have knocked me out cuz I didn't feel the ground at all
Wow what the fuck happened last night? Where am I?
Man, fuck am I hungover, and god damn i got a head ache.
Shit half a vicodin why cant I?
'All systems ready for take off please stand by'.

Sometimes I feel so alone,
I just don't know, feels like I been down this road before.
So lonely and cold, It's like something takes over me,
soon as I go home and close the door.
Kinda feels like Deja Vu, I wanna get away from this place I do,
but I cant and I won't say I tried but I know that's a lie, and why, I don't know...

So I take a Vicodin splash it hits my stomach and ahh.
A couple weeks go by it aint even like im getting high.
Now I need it just not to feel sick, yeah im getting by.
Wouldn't even be taking this shit if DeShaun didn't die.
Oh ya there's an excuse you lose Proof so you use.
There's new rules it's cool if it's helping you to get through.
It's twelve noon aint no harm in self inducing a snooze.
What else is new? Fuck it what would Elvis do in your shoes?
Now here I am three months later, full blown relapse,
'Just get high until the kids get home from school holmes, relax'.
And since im convinced that I'm insomniac,
I need these pills to be able to sleep, so I take three naps,
just to be able to function throughout the day let's see
that's an Ambien each nap, how many Valium? Three.
And that will average out to about one good hours sleep.
Ok so now you see the reason how come he
has taken four years just too put out an album B.
See me and you we almost had the same outcome Heath,
cuz that Christmas you know the Pneumonia thing?
It was bologna, was it the Methadone ya think?
Or the Hydrocodone, you hide inside your pornos?
Your VCR tape cases with your Ambien CR, great places to hide ain't it?
So you can lie to Haley, I'm going beddy bye Whitney baby good night Elaina.
Go in the room and shut the bedroom door and wake up in an ambulance
They said they found me on the bathroom floor, damn!

Highlighted Sections-true, true, true, true. Whole track true but this is a line here is a line that plays in my head over and over......."I wanna get away from this place I do, but I cant and I won't say I try but I know that's a lie cuz I don't, and why, I just dont know....."

You go ahead and think about that line there. Sometimes you have to to to see what it would be like if this were you. But if you haven't there is no way to teach it and it's hard for outsiders to understand.

Peace & Love -S