It's A Little Too Late

The rainbow flag, sometimes called 'the freedom flag', was popularized as a symbol of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) pride and diversity by San Francisco artist Gilbert Baker in 1978. The different colors symbolize diversity in the gay community, and the flag is used predominantly at gay pride events and in gay villages worldwide in various forms including banners, clothing and jewelry. For the 25th Anniversary of the Stonewall riots, held in 1994 in New York city, a mile-long rainbow flag was created and post-parade cut up in sections that have since been used around the world. Originally created with eight colors, pink and turquoise were removed for production purposes and as of 2008, it consists of six colored stripes, which should always be displayed with red on top or to left. It is most commonly flown with the red stripe on top, as the colors appear in a natural rainbow.[11] Aside from the obvious symbolism of a mixed LGBT community, the colors were designed to symbolize: red (life), orange (healing), yellow (sunlight), green (nature), blue (harmony), and purple/violet (spirit). The removed colors stood for sex (pink) and art/magic (turquoise). Another presumed origin is the song Over the Rainbow, synonymous with gay icon Judy Garland, whose film The Wizard of Oz has often been interpreted as an allegory of gay coming out.(wiki)

For my birthday wish this year on my facbook was the wish was to raise $250 for the cause that affects me the most and the cause I really wish others would bring more attention to because of how much it has affected my life and so many others as well. I ended up raising $290 dollars for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It was the absolute best birthday present. Knowing that all my friends and family donated to this charity for me and the others who suffer from thoughts of suicide, and just the gift of giving was enough to fulfill me for a while. I suggest it to everybody. Now for that wish I also had to write a very heartfelt letter that neither of my parents can bring themselves to read but I'm proud of it and would like to post it here in honor of those we have lost over the past few weeks:
I would love if my friends and family and for any of those lurking in the dark to be able to fully educate themselves when a family member or loved one becomes majorly depressed and suicidal. It's starting to get more awareness which is just wonderful. I have suffered through 4, six month or over battles with major depression starting at 15, with the last one leaving me hospitalized. Weirdly enough I can't describe it, I'm crying a ton right now, but all I know is that I did not want to live or feel the right to live. It also leads to self medicating such as drugs and alcohol so at least you can feel a false high. It's a horrible disease and no one really knows what a day in my life is like. Nor can I explain. I will let you know that I've been doing well enough that I have not thought of suicide in over a year, so that's a huge accomplishment! But I also recognise I have a disease and one day I will relapse; Either 6 months or 30 years down the road. I am just VERY happy to be HAPPY and ALIVE today! Thanks! xoxo
-I'd also like to dedicate this to Scott Connors who passed away six years ago to suicide. We all miss you Scott and I love you dearly Mr. & Mrs Connors! And I love little Allison for getting through this day by day. You are my role model. xoxo

As you all know, and for the new users who may have not gotten to read all the blogs yet, "And Who Are You Again" is a blog for those to come to laugh, hear amazing music, but most importantly hear me talk openly about my struggles though life and day to day. Using this method of 'getting it all out to people' really is the only thing that been able to help me and I get a lot of letters saying that I helped them as well. It's very rewarding even though sometimes I just want to keep some things to myself but it seems those are the things that bring the readers in and feel comfortable with telling me things and asking me questions. It took me 28 years to be this confident in myself and my being to be able to my depression, my scares with suicide, my panic, and what worked and what didn't in this lifelong process of recovery.

Tonight though I would like to focus on Billy Lucas(15), Tyler Clementi(18), Seth Walsh(13), Raymond Chase(19), and Asher Brown(13). All of these wonderful teenage boys had a few things in common-they were bright young boys who were bullied and teased to the point they felt they had nothing left to live for because their sexuality and chose to end their lives way to soon. This subject hits very close to home and I give my deepest sympathies to all of the families and loves ones in their lives. God Bless.

Now when I say it hits really close to home, all I am trying to say is that I've been in a 13 battle with my suicide genes and I KNOW the exact way this feels and how dying is the only option out. I do not know what it is like to be gay and outed, teased, bullied, criticized, and in hiding. I can't even imagine. NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO HIDE WHO THEY ARE! We are all the same inside-color, sexuality, everything! We're all in this life together so please the next time you think of making a joke about someone please realize that you don't know ANYTHING about what the person may have going on inside and if that was the last joke to put them over the edge.

I never experienced these issues in this depth. Fortunately I was blessed to go to the Performing Arts schools starting at 11 years old, so to me being gay was absolutely no different. I am sooo blessed to have that background because some grew up without knowing anything of different sexualities or race. My schools were 50% white & 50% black. Also, I NEVER saw a difference in any of this. To me, these people were all just the greatest friends ever. I had just finished an episode of Chelsey Handler where Taye Diggs where she asked him how it was growing up and being so f'ing talented and the bullying. Taye stated that he had no harm growing up because he was schooled at performing art schools and "Everyone was cool. If you were talented then that was that. You know it was really awesome to take a lot of dance classes. It was that kind of place!" Unfortunately though some don't get to grow up in a bubble of the arts and have to experience real life very early on. Gay guys always make the best Pas De Deux class partners(Love you, you know who!!!). I later on did attend a "normal" high school and that was a horrible experience. I was always made fun of for hanging out with my drama club friends over my "cool kid" friends at my "normal" school. I never talked about anyone so I just really didn't fit in with the mean girls. By the middle of the year I was friends with everyone in the school and that's basically how I have been my whole life. Yeah I got made fun of for always being at voice, acting, rehearsal, whatever.......but when the shows started I got nothing but praised by my "cool kid" crowd. BE WHO YOU ARE!!!! NO MATTER WHAT! LOVE YOURSELF!

I don't know if its better to grow up in the bubble or not because at one point you do see and will experience the hatred of the world but it does build you strength to know that there are kids out there just like you when you get to real life and start getting stabbed in the back. And I hate to say it but believe it or not, the bullying never stops. I just noticed someone took the time to sign up for a google blog account just so they could put a rude comment on one of my writing........like seriously people??? Just always remember though that those who talk, bully, make fun, make rumors, and put down others down have zero confidence, get high off making others feel bad, and show complete ignorance, stupidity, and self loathing in their own guilt and terror. If anything....just feel bad for these people and keep being kind and who you are because one day they will be looking up to you. And those who still continue to bother me, keep bringing it. Karma's a Bitch!


And here from the National Broadway Cast of Wicked.....It's Gets Better.


Peace and LOVEEEEEE,LOVE,LOTS OF LOVEEEEEE
Sarah