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I Used to Be a Junkie

I don't know if you guys know anyone with OCD but whoa do they just put the icing on the cake! Now you know I'm not one to talk about mental disorders(depression, anxiety, adhd, self proclaimed insomniac, addiction)so don't think I'm talking shit here cause I'm totally not. I think in a previous blog I mentioned that my father is in the hospital. Well let me tell you when I go to do my 8 hours of visiting it's like I'm clocking into work! I don't even want to go there with some of the slavery actions I am made to do.....but I will haha!

So he was placed in a regular room late yesterday afternoon. Now you have to remember my dad broke 7 ribs, can't move either leg, and the left leg is horribly broken and shattered so he isn't even aloud to put ANY PRESSURE on that leg for a good 3 months. Lucky me! So all he can do is really lay there. By his bed he has tables on each side. The nurses don't give an f about his OCD(I self diagnosed him with that. I basically could be a psychiatrist with all my knowledge on the mental disorders believe me!) so they just throw things where ever and let half filled drinks sit around, etc. This doesn't go down to smoothly with the dad. Ohh wait 1st lets just get to whats really pissing me off about my father right now. He has 7 broken ribs ok, a shattered leg, cuts and burns all over his body, and a lung that keeps deflating. Well he decides to be a hard ass and tell the doctor he is in NO PAIN! Umm no don't think so. So what do I have to do? I have to call the nurses. I have to tell them hes dying of pain. I have to make sure he calls the nurse every four hours for his double perc dosage. Now see in Trauma Shock ICU he had the morphine drip. Now if I was ever on a drip I would be pressing that button like there was no tomorrow. You are allowed to press the drip of glorious Morphine every 10 minutes. How many times do you think my dad pressed it? Yeah just go ahead and take a guess. 2 times a fucking hour!!! And he sits there and cries and moans. Umm hello! Soo annoying. Then he tells me Oxycontin was boring and didn't do much. Well of course you're not gonna get a party out of it dad! You're in traumatic pain. It's not be like on Intervention(that's exactly what he compared it to.) So okay blah blah he needs someone to sit there with him so he gets meds or he'll "forget or slip his mind".

Back to the OCD. He's a freak. So were in this new room where he could do stuff if he could move but he can't move so that's where I come in. Table set ups are very particular. Only 1 drink on the table. 3 bottles of Perrier and Pelligrino(he tried to order Perrier instead of still water when he was allowed to drink after his surgery and they looked at him like he was nuts so now I have to go get the Perrier and bring it to him), his sandwich and fruit all from whole foods(gosh forbid he take a break from his all organic diet), and his M&M's. Yep I said it....M&M's. 2nd table must have telephone, broken cell phone(just in case it decides to come back to life he said), chap stick, and hand sanitizer. Well when I get there that is not what the tables look like so I must rearrange them and I must do this fast cause I have other chores to attend to. Ohh and I don't know if you realized this yet but he seems to think he is at a 5 star hotel and is demanding like he is in one.

On top of this, due to old age and pain meds, he busts out stuff that he doesn't even know what he's talking about. Crazy man. So I did his nails, shaved his face, moisturized, and gave him a head massage with this dry shampoo cap(which is actually super cool. I'll try to steal one). But the best things he asked me to bring in today was his hand held mirror. Cause you know you got to look hot while not being able to move!!! And believe me he checked himself out a hell of a lot longer then I looked at myself in the mirror today. What a vain dad I have!

Everything MUST MUST MUST be in it's place! He even had the nerve to ask me if my car was clean! Hell no it's not clean. What did I turn into a different person overnight?? So here's the part where he really needs to learn how to suck it up. He's on like night 5 of the hospital. He's burning out real fast. Totally over it and the worst is he doesn't get to come home for like 6 weeks. too many broken ribs and a horribly broken/shattered/pinned and screwed up leg to move, so he's going straight to a rehabilitation facility. I feel absolutely horrible. And I know he is scared........BUT I think he must have forgotten one small factor in my life. UMM HELLO I LIVED IN A HOSPITAL FOR 2 WHOLE FUCKING MONTHS!!!! Which he always tells me "I don't know how you did that. I could have never done that." Well thanks Dad but it seems as though hospital karma is headed your way.

But all in all I love my Dad to itsy bitsy pieces and this is the 1st day I'm kept my calm. Thank you guys soo much for all your prayers. I am soo blessed and soo thankful to have my dad still here with me. Please keep praying. It means the world to us!

Sarah

p.s. PLEASE check out the freaky hospital bed and guy hahaha

My Only Goal Is Just To Be

With all that's going on these days I really didn't believe I could even think about writing but truthfully it's one of the only things I am thinking about so I'm just going to say F it and write! The escape of reality is needed.

Did any one thing change your life? Something you did, something you saw, something you experienced? I have two things that dramatically changed my life.......okay maybe 3.

The 1st being the 1st time I saw a musical. Okay that's a little lie because I did see Camelot when I was 5 or so, and it is a musical that I LOVE till this day and know all the songs off by heart, but at that time I hate to say it but I think I fell asleep. Oops. The second time I went I was around 7, 8 or 9 I believe. I saw The Phantom of the Opera. As soon as the orchestra began and the curtain rose I knew I would never be the same. The musical took over me in a way I can't describe. Those who are suckers for the stage know the feeling. Unexplainable. I was so deeply touched and affected by The Phantom that it became all I could think about. When not at school or an afterschool activity, I was up in my room practicing and portraying the role of Christine. I went on and grew but The Phantom of the Opera will always have a marking on my soul. I knew that's what I HAD to do. I later went on and performed and saw many musicals. They all touch me but there is one more that had a dramatic effect. RENT. I was obsessed with Rent when it 1st debuted in 1996. The kids that I went to school with and I just thought it was the best thing since ever. And it was in a way. I begged my dad to by me the music and it was a double disc CD so I had to do lot of extra chores haha! What I learned from learning that entire score set me up for life, gave me strength, and such ambition. We would always sing and sing and sing all the songs day after day. Finally in Spring of 1999 I was on my way to NYC for my 1st time with my Drama Club and we went to see RENT. It was all and more that I could have ever wished for. I don't know who has not been able to see the musical yet so I will not give away the plot but the life lessons it teaches are astounding. (DO NOT RENT THE MOVIE! YOU MUST SEE IT ON STAGE!)

My second life changing moment was when I began ballet full time after leaving figure skating. I don't know what happened but I LIVED for ballet. It took me somewhere else completely. I felt like nothing could ever be wrong. I became very competitive with myself. I had a purpose and that was to be perfect. I worked my ass off and did very well for myself. I was going to be a ballerina. That was that. And I truly do believe you know what you want to be at a very young age. I had a change of heart at 18. I never had a "real life" and wanted to know what it was all about. I abandon ballet, taking class only a few times a week. I REGRET THAT DECISION TILL THIS DAY. I just don't know how I could leave something that I knew I was born to do. I miss it more than anything. I loved ballet. I still love ballet. It's horrible knowing that you left the thing that you will always love the most.

I'm not going to go into three because I'm sure most of you know what it was and it's not that bright of a topic so we'll just let it be.

All I want to do is dance and I'm going to make sure that happens. I know being a ballerina is no longer in the books for me but I can still dance my little heart out.

So what has changed your life? Maybe a certain CD really hit you and got you thinking, maybe it was a sport you played and you can't get it out of your head? Whatever it may be use it to your advantage. These things don't make permanent markings on us for nothing. Think about it and run with it. You never know where it may lead you. It might lead you right back to where you should have been all along.

Something to think about now isn't it.....

Peace & Love
S

To Feel Your Pain, You Feel Mine

I deeply apologize for my absence but I have realized that it is going to be very hard for me to really keep up with my posts these couple months. I am traveling a ton and spending time with my wonderful friends which are more like family. I am also going through a terrifying motorcycle accident my dad was in which will leave him in the hospital and rehabilitation for the next 6-8 weeks. Writing is something I love and I think will be a great distraction from the very sad thoughts I am having but as of right now I can only talk to a couple of people and am emotionally and psyically exhausted. I am sorry and hopefully I can be back up and writing a ton very soon. To all my fans suffering from depression, anxiety, loss of a loved one, those that are in pain either emotionally or physically, and my ED girls; Keep your head up and keep pushing on. You are all in my prayers everyday. Please also keep my father and family in your prayers as well.

Peace & Love
S

Sean and Jayden on a car in Beverly Hills (may 2)

Britney tweet!!!! about candie´s next shoot!!!

At my photo shoot for the limited edition collection I designed for Candie's! I think you guys will love it!!! - Brit

Britney and Brett driving around in Los Angeles (april 29)