Wipe Their Eyes, And..........Part II

Nothing can prepare you for an eating disorder clinic. Although my disease has nothing to do with the terms anorexia and bulimia, COPE was the best place for me to be placed due to age and weight. My 1st weigh in read 83 pounds. And at 83 pounds at 5'5'', well basically I could have dropped dead any moment. I sure as hell didn't care and would have taken a heart attack that ended in death like a million dollars. Just so I can kind of place you in my thought of mind then.....let's just say it wasn't pretty. So finally after everything on the deck of WPIC had taken place, I was lead to the 8th floor. Tears streaming as I walked into my bright, cheerfully decorated, dorm looking, new home(I had noooo idea how long I would be in there for at this time. I was thinking around 3 days.) There were gorgeous thin girls everywhere, some snobby, some not, all in the end became my best friends. Before I got the chance to mingle I dropped my suitcase in my adorable room and hugged my mother and father goodbye. They would see me the next day for visiting hours. I had no clue that for the next 2 months, this was where I would reside.

This is really hard for me to write about this and if I have to cut it short, I am truly sorry. If you ever met me......and haven't really gone through much, you probably wouldn't be able to see all the sadness that I carried around. I was still highly entertaining, could always make people laugh, and was a joy to be around. After a week or so, I was just loving COPE. It was like freshman year all over again. I had a crush on two boys that worked there, borrowed and exchanged clothes with my fellow copemates so we could look hot, even thought we were locked up haha, and talked fashion, boys, and Hollywood drama. We were all beautiful and wonderfully sickening thin(our minds being so distorted at this time we REALLY couldn't see what we looked like), and all wanted to die. There was one thing that we all had in common even though everyone was on for various reasons......we wanted the FUCK out of COPE!

A day at COPE:
Getting weighed, eating a TON of food(when I left I was up to having to eat 4,200 calories a day), meeting with our psychiatrist, trying new drugs, crying, screaming, talking on the phone(yes we had a payphone for our friends to call in on and we had a cordless for us to call out on. Both were ALWAYS in use so we could bitch and cry and try to get someone to get us out), hugging and holding each other while the other cried, smiling when everyone smiled, playing constant games, my fav being Yahtzee, and making different food creations to piss of the nurses. People with ED's make their food very very very small by cutting and crushing. I've never scene anything like it but it was great to pick up on while there. Made those thousands of calories go down a little faster. Sometimes you just could not eat anymore and had to exchange your meal for ensure plus. This poison liquid that is 350 cal. for 8 ounces. We also had a zillion groups per day. We did have fun things as well.....such as yoga, spa, cope cinema(nothing R rated though!), and we had each other who we grew very very close with.

My time there was like a rollercoaster and if I had to really tell it, I truly don't know if I could. I don't know if it was the state of mind that I was in or the fact the I was severely malnutritioned, but there was definitely a block placed over last years nov-march. I just remember working a ton, not eating, and taking a lot of pills just to get through the day.

This is all very much out of order......but there were high points of COPE. We laughed until we cried, played crazy fun music and sang at the top of our lungs, pretended we were on a beach during spa, played on perez hilton, cried with eachother, laughed with eachother, ate hospital food with eachother. We had 6 meal times a day!

I will say this much. Being an inpatient with constant care and watch had in someway saved my life. I know for one thing, I had one of the most unbelievable psychiatrist who never gave up on me and believed that he could fix the way my brain was not responding to medications and I still lived in a world of infinite sadness. It may have taken 8 week and 25 pounds of weight gained but something snapped after those 6 weeks. He put me on a medication that literally SAVED me. And now I'm crying, I began smiling and actually would go through whole days not thinking about suicide. And this trend has only gotten better with time. Finally I got to leave.....after a lovely 8 weeks. I had no idea how sick I was when I entered but I was getting better, had a great group of new friends that had been in and out who I could talk to now, a psychiatrist that believed in me, and a new me that wanted to live again.

My hospital bracelet was clipped off and is now in my memory box, my 200+ Get Well cards from friends and family are kept in a special place in my room and I still read them often, and all my gifts from my amazing friends are home now and in full use. I especially love all of my drawings from COPE made by other patients when I was having a bad day. We were VERY supportive of eachother.

And here I am now.......Cope being an ancient memory. But not really at all. When something like that has such an import on your life, theres not a day that goes by that I don't think of it. I don't think I deserve to feel the way I do now. Just to be happy and smile. To sing in the car. To giggle when I wake up. To be able to leave the house. TO BE A HAPPY NORMAL PERSON!!!!! So many little things people take for granted, like smiling, is huge for me. I haven't truly smiled since I can remember.

PLEASE once again. There are so many great crisis lines, therapists, psychiatrists, outpatient and inpatient programs. I NEVER thought the latter would be the only option that would save me but it did and I am not embarrassed to say it! I love life now and that's what matters. Please if you need to speak with anyone I am always here or if you know anyone in trouble try to help. Thank you all for being so supportive of this piece. It was very hard for me to write both of these but I am soo glad I got it out there. SMILE, DREAM, & LIFE! Lifes too short!!!

Love and Peace

S

Wipe Their Eyes, And Then Let Go

*This is a true story that I am putting myself on the line to help others. Do not read if you are a person who judges because this is real life and real situations. Thank you.

It all started when I was 15. I had no idea what was going on and why I had felt like this. Felt like dying. I had no idea on the subject and the only case of suicide I had even heard of was that of Kurt Cobain. (I loved Nirvana's music back then but it wasn't until I was much older did I decide to study Kurt and why he did what he did. And people can ask me why I really feel a connection to him and to me it's obvious. We had something very serious in common.) I began crying a lot, cutting myself(people always say eww to this but if you've ever been where I was, you will see its quite normal for the depressed to want to try to disguise the mental pain by inflicting physical pain upon yourself), losing weight, and not socializing. I couldn't tell anyone what was going on because I didn't know what it was. How do you tell your parents that you're thinking about death every hour that you are awake? I went out and bought the book Prozac Nation. Kept it under my bed and read. I learned I was suffering from the disease Depression. I told my parents and was placed on Prozac and within a month I felt normal again. It wouldn't be until I was the age of 21, did the disease strike again.

While at college, my junior year, I began to see something absolutely crazy. I would wake in the middle of the evening with everything moving, my heart racing, my face a bright white, stumbling to the bathroom to vomit. I, and everyone else thought I had the flu, but after a couple days of this I knew I did not have the flu. I stayed up for 5 whole day and nights. After visiting the ER with a whole page of symptoms, they sent me home telling me a was a very healthy young woman and to not take pills that were not prescribed to me(I had taken a lot of adderoll a week prior for midterms.) Went back to my sorority house bedroom and felt a slight calmness and tried to sleep. Within an hour I was up again blurred vision, face white as a ghost, and vomiting. My mother came and got me. We went straight to the hospital in Pittsburgh and I received a diagnosis. Panic Disorder. I was placed on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety pill called Klonopin. College finished and I was still taking my drugs and feeling ok. But I had no idea what was to come.

At the age of 24, I returned home after leaving and living in NYC to pursue my dream of dancing and acting. I looked like a walking ghost. No soul, no anything. Stopped taking my anti-depressant and layed in bed for 3 entire months. Living off of Klonopin and water. I didn't even have the energy to do anything to myself, I only had the passive wish to God to please take me. My parents truly were lost and as much as the tried to help, nothing worked. Finally I was forced to go see a Psychiatrist and was placed back on an anti-depressant called Wellbutrin. The wonder drug actually worked, after many failed attempts of other anti-depressants. I was feeling like getting out of bed finally. I got a new job, went out with my friends, and tried to fix things with my ex boyfriend who I commend highly for having to witness all of this. His mother was horribly depressed so after he saw her behavior flaws in me, he really couldn't help me anymore. It hurt him too much. Same thing with my own father. My grandmother being a manic-depressive, he had to witness and live with something that he didn't understand at all. And he didn't want to see me like this so he tried to ignore what a position I was in. My mother, of course, was wonderful.

I moved out again and started my own life. I still constantly lived with infinite sadness but I just went through the motions and tried to be the best girl in her mid 20's I could be. At this time I had been through 3 horrible bouts of depression and still suffered daily from anxiety and panic. Also having a extreme addiction to anti anxiety pills, both Klonopin, and Xanax. I had a ton of self made coping mechanisms. 1st being food. I didn't feel like I deserved food but don't get me wrong I ate a TON when I could, but for me to gain weight, well that just couldn't happen. My bad days outweighing my good by over half left me under or around 90 pounds for years. Presciption drug abuse. And my infamous....alcohol abuse. I often drank until I forgot everything and anything. I did not want to feel like I do so I drank very much to get away from my life. Around 26 things started to go downhill at a high speed. The worst thing about depression is that you really never see it coming, in my case that I is. I suffer from chronic depression. A disease I wouldn't even wish upon my worst enemy. I did outpatient after outpatient program. I was placed back on Prozac but still lived with such anxiety that food, alcohol, and drug abuse were very apparent.

January 16th, 2009 my whole world changed. I had mentioned suicide to my therapist that morning, went to work, came home(I had just moved back into my parents and had been there for about a month while Talia and I looked for a new apt), and was told to call my therapist. She instructed me that she had called WPIC and reserved a room for me on the COPE unit where I was told I would be in a cozy setting with lots of other girls who looked very "tiny" like I did. I cried, said no, fuck you, fuck everybody, but she didn't really care and said "that's fine Sarah but if you don't go your parents and myself have the rights to commit you after your behavior at your last therapy session". So off to COPE I went.

My life locked up for 8 weeks in COPE coming up.....

-This story is far from finished and I am hoping I can at least reach out to 1 person out there that is suffering. If you are in crisis right now please call the re:solve hotline at 1-888-796-8226. If you want to call or talk to me send me a message and I will call you.

Why I moved sites

Hi Guys...

Please do NOT use that other site anymore. I had teamed up with another known DC site and they gave me the wordpress for free. However, it was so complicated and I dont have time for messing around. Blogger is quick and easy for me to use.... and believe it or not...easier for you aswell.

The person who gave me the wordpress site basically pissed me off...whilst I was in Hospital they changed things on my site without permission and yesterday they even edited one of my posts.

Do NOT use the email address on that site. Only use truthofdestinyschild@googlemail.com.
I think someone is trying to sabotage us and I wont have it.

Peace XXxXX

I NEED WRITERS!!!!!!!!!!!

There are two positions going for two writers. I need someone to follow twitter, someone to look for Youtube vids and write any stories you want on any of the ladies. They MUST be written in the same style as myself and you cannot write the same things. They MUST be different to keep my gorgeous readers excited.

If you are interested then please email me at:

truthofdestinyschild@googlemail.com

Join my happy family :)

Normal People are Stepping out with "The Glove" WTF

Jewelry designer Lorraine Schwartz created Beyoncé's famous metal glove. "She wanted something a little bit harder and robotic for the 'I Am ... Sasha Fierce' album," Schwartz said. "She kept thinking about having a superhero-like look and she wasn't sure exactly how, but I presented her with a few of my ideas and drawings of the glove." Beyoncé, you may recall, hired Thierry Mugler to design her costumes after seeing his work at the Met's Costume Institute superheroes exhibit. Schwartz continues:

I said we should use titanium because it weighs, like, nothing, compared to gold or silver. We actually did a mold of her hand in wax and it was a pretty incredible experience. At first, people didn't understand it and now I've gone to restaurants and I see people wearing knockoff versions.

Kelly in new 50 cent video: Wendy talks about it!

For Hip Hop News & Entertainment at DimeWars.Com

Beyonce postpones concert in Malayasia

Kuala Lumpur, (ANI): Beyonce Knowles' concert in Malaysia was postponed by the singer herself, revealed Information, Communications and Culture Minister Datuk Seri Dr Rais Yatim.

Buzz up!Datuk said that there was no interference by his ministry on the matter and that Beyonce, 28, who was scheduled to hold the concert on October 18, had decided to postpone the concert on her own, reports New Straits Times Online.

According to him, there are many possibilities as to why she decided not to perform on the given date, and cited that one of the reasons could be because of pressure from the organisers. He also said her refusal to comply with the dress code or simply because the concert would not be profitable could lead to her postponement.

But he denied rumours that she had been pressured by threats from certain groups after she announced that Malaysia would be one of the venues for her "I AM...World Tour".

Pas Youth was one of the groups, which had declared to take 'further action' over the government's refusal to ban the concert at the National Stadium Bukit Jalil.