So long, Farewell....Auf Weidersehen, Goodbye

This letter is in honor of my favorite causes: Suicide Awareness and Prevention and To Write Love on Her Arms.

On March 6, 2010 it will be exactly one year since I was released from rehab and was given the chance at a better life. Today I chose to set my diseases free and live in peace with my new self.

Dear Depression,

You know you were with me for such a long time, I really never thought I would see the day where I wouldn't have to be aware of you and obey by your rules. For over the past five years I was constantly living in the dark because of you. I hid it well from everyone but you and I both know I barely bothered to try to live from one day to the next. I poisoned you with endless alcohol, bottomless pill addictions, and malnutrition. I couldn't see a way back nor did I care. I fed myself with coffee and cigarettes. Soo anxious at all times, I just couldn't bare to eat. I abused benzodiazepines and pain medication to help me get through the days, and alcohol binges in the evenings. You just kept getting worse. Finally, after numerous trips to the emergency room, I decided I needed to get help or this may be the end. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and never ever ever want to do it again. And there I was holed up for 2 months. I saw no signs of recovery in the first 6 weeks then suddenly something changed. I felt myself again. I was alive. I went from 83 pounds to 108 pounds. I went from depending on a lot of pills to not even thinking of them. I was on medicine that actually worked for me. And I got to go home and was given a shot at life again.

I don't think what I tell you or how I describe my depression, and addictions can ever put you in my shoes. But I do hope it helps. This past year has been the most amazing year of my life. I wake up in the morning singing, so happy to endure another day. I went back to doing what I was meant to do, which is to dance. This summer I vacationed all around and got to see all of my dearest friends. I had real relationships again with actual nice guys. And all of this I did with a smile. A smile may not seem much to you but when you had forgotten what it felt like to smile, it means the world. I learned how to love myself. Not in the artificial way but really learned to love deep down from my soul. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do and the best thing I ever did at the same time. I'm genuinely happy and am soo thankful for these wonderful little angels God has placed in my life. I had to save myself though and that was the hardest part to understand. I'm so grateful to have my goals, dreams, and aspirations back. I'm me and I love it. Goodbye depression. I know I have a chance of seeing you again and I'm not scared but I am going to fight my hardest to keep you far far away from me.

Sincerely,
Sarah

P.S. HUGE celebration on the 6th!!!!!

But I've Made Up My Mind, I'm Keeping My Baby ohh

I'm not a television girl. Just don't really watch it too much at all. I'm always behind and usually don't know whats on and whats not. Now this doesn't bother me but it does bother some I often get "OMG what do you do then?" or "I can't believe you don't watch this! It's the best." I'm just more of a music and book girl. And personally I wouldn't change it for a thing. With it being winter now and I really don't feel like jet setting it around the east coast to other cold cities, I am home more often. With that, I began to watch some TV!!!! AHHH get excited! I'm totally up to like 4....ohh actually make that 5 television shows!!!

Okay so my 1st and foremost is Glee which I began watching in October, and the rest of these guys I pretty much just started; Jersey Shore(love that shit), The Office(ohh do I crack up), Take the Stage(love love love, makes me feel like I am right back in high school), Celebrity Rehab(ehh it's ok but if you've been to rehab this is really what it is like so it's not that entertaining if you've been through the real deal), and 16 and Preggers! And that is what we are gong to talk about today kids......16 and Preggers.

Well I got into this show by being snowed in for 8 days from a blizzard that we had a few weeks ago. There was a marathon on and after that I was like totally hooked. And by totally hooked I mean, I don't know what day or time its on but if I'm flipping through, I will totally watch. Like last night for example. The clock has struck midnight and I was no where near tired of course so I turned on my TV to discover a brand new 16 and Pregnant! Btw-I really miss the old cast. Anyways.....last night's episode was about a young girl named Nikkole(who the f spells Nicole like that. They completely butchered my middle name!) Nikkole was "going out" with Josh. And well I guess they did the dirty and this is what happened. Nikkole and Josh were having a baby!!! They both looked about 13....especially the Josh kid. Now Josh used to "talk to" this girl named Kayla, but we'll get into her in a few.

I usually do not feel sorry for these girls and I actually thought the couple that went ahead and had the child then gave it to a family who could not have their own children, was great. But sometimes I feel really bad. Nikkole is a great example. She showed no signs of maturity and was possibly the most quiet person I had ever come across. She did not seem like the type to even have sex that early so what I am thinking is that Josh, of course, suggested it and she just layed there and went along. It's really sad if you think about it. I truly couldn't tell if she and josh had a connection at all. Now they said they liked eachother but were both just sooo young I just don't think think they knew what was going on. Now after the baby was born, Josh was not allowed in Nikkoles house due to a conflict he had going with her mother. I just want to add for fun that the mom had like whitish blonde hair in scrunch curls with teased bangs from the '80s. Sorry I just had to tell ya'll that! Poor little Nikkole had no idea how to bond with her child it seemed and neither did Josh. They looked completly awkward with the little baby. So about 4-6 weeks after the baby was born, Kayla had entered Josh's life again. So what does Josh do? He goes over to Nikkole's house and informs her that he wants to "go with" Kayla again and peace out baby mama. Nikkole took this very very calm and collectively(because like I said before she does not know how to speak for herself and wouldn't disagree with a soul if her life depended on it.) Ohh Josh went to his new gf. BTW, who in their right mind would say "ohh josh your such a hot 15 year old and you have a baby I just totally want you and if your baby's mama comes near us I'll beat the shit out of her. You're mine! Yeah i don't know either but there it is another completely F'd up episode of 16 and Preggers.

Now I still don't exactly see the point of this show. They never give you a learning lesson at the end like "Hey teenagers having a child at this age is not the best of ideas if you can see. Please refrain from sexual intercourse." So what is the shoes point? Hoping kids will stop having sex in hopes of seeing that having a baby is a ton of work and very hard because you will most likely end up a single mother at this age? Or in hopes that they will see that they will lose the rest of their childhood? These little darling babies are so fortunate to have the wonderful moms that they do on this show but if this show is trying to prove a point, I don't think it's working that well.

For all of my teenage readers.....never let anyone pressure you into sex or anything that you don't feel comfortable doing. You have YEARS to have sex once you are in a serious relationship outside of highschool so please trust me when I say abstinence is a very good thing. I did not have sex when I was a teenager and am sooo proud of that. Always wear protection because I think STD's are up like 100% which is sickening! One out of 4 I believe is the number now for teenagers and young adults likeliness to have an STD. Not worth is kids. If you have any questions contact me like always and I'll give you my best advise but remaining a virgin and saving yourself until you are married is my best. Just know it only takes one time of having sexual intercourse to get pregnant and get an STD. If that doesn't scare you, I don't know what will.

Peace & Love

S

So Help Me Dress for my Fairy Tale, Can’t Wear Something I Bought on Sale!

I'm in this group on facebook and I don't know if I've been on it since this whole facebook thing started in '04 or if I joined it a couple years after that but it's called "Why Yes, I Do Frequently Burst Out in Song". I sweat this group basically because it fits me to a T. I mean some of the requirements to be in the group are:

Do you ever find people looking at you strangely, only to realize that you've been singing for the last fifteen minutes? Why yes....all the time.

Are you in love with musicals and Disney movies? Beyond obsessed thank you.

Do you re-write they lyrics to songs to make relate to your current situation? Ouch...yep ya caught me.

So as you see, I fit into this group very well. I think singing is just soo much better than talking and if life were more like a musical the sky would be just a little more blue! (I know you're all probably very sick of me saying that. sorry.) So here for you this evening, I present you with a very small portion of my favorite quotes from musicals. These lyrics just make me want to stand up on top of a car and belt it out to the world! I hope you all enjoy and feel free to add, as will I.

"But everything was beautiful at the ballet. Graceful men lift lovely girls in white. Yes, everything was beautiful at ballet. .....That's when I started class"-A CHORUS LINE

"That boy could use some Prozac."-RENT

"Rivers belong where they can ramble. Eagles belong where they can fly. I've got to be where my spirit can run free. Got to find my corner of the sky."-PIPPIN

"It's time to try defying gravity. I think I'll try defying gravity. And you can't pull me down."-WICKED

"I still....I still believe. You will return. I know you will. My heart against all odds.....holds still"-MISS SAIGON

"There's only us. There's only this. Forget, regret. Or life is your's to miss. No other road. No other way. No day but today...."-RENT

"Believe in the music that's inside your heart."-THE WIZ

"Give 'em the old razzle dazzle. Razzle Dazzle 'em. Give 'em the old hocus pocus. Bead and feather 'em. How can they see with sequins in their eyes?"-CHICAGO

"With a thousand sweet kisses, I'll cover you."-RENT

"Don't tell me not to fly, I've simply got to. If someone takes a spill, it's me and not you. Who told you your allowed to rain on my parade!"-FUNNY GIRL

"Into the woods you go again. You have to every now and then. Into the woods no telling when.....be ready for the journey."-INTO THE WOODS

"One singular sensation, every little step she takes."-A CHORUS LINE

"He had it coming. He had it coming. He only had himself to blame. If you'd have been there. If you'd have seen it. I betcha you would have done the same!"-CHICAGO

"Today for you-Tomorrow for me!"-RENT

"In sleep he sang to me. In dreams he came. That voice which calls to me. And speaks my name...."-THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA

Peace & Music

S

Ready For Those Flashing Lights

I'm doing some major cleaning at my parents house in my storage room. I'm not the girl too keep things and I regularly clean out my closet and possessions every three months and take them to the goodwill or if the piece was designer and gorgeous, I will sell on ebay. So last night I decided what a better night then tonight to start cleaning the storage room. I didn't get far at all because one of the 1st bags I picked up was filled with photographs. I tried to put it aside and not too look but it was just such an exciting find, I just had too.

Well let's just put this out there plain and simple. I have been a posing diva since I basically knew what a camera was. I didn't think I was that bad until I got to college(we'll get into that in a minute) but as I am going through old photos I noticed I was even rocking out my good side at three. Funny yes.....but normal, no! I am an only child as most of you know so it was always all about me. Not only did I know how to pose but I was actually a true little diva. Beginning ballet at 3 and figure skating at 6.....I was always the best in my field. Even while standing at the top of the podium, all my flowers were strategically placed in my arms and I am slightly turned to my right so I could do my best "head towards the left shoulder". This pose is also often used till this day. I also knew my best features from a very young age. The long legs were always extended and pointed and my butt was always made to look even more adorable in photos. I continued this professional posing and all eyes on me up until I left for college.....or so I thought. But the best was actually to come.

My best friend is pretty much a replica of me. We are both only children(she has step bro's and sis' but she was definitely raised as an only). Our mothers did everything for us. And we thought we were the cats' meow. This is one of the reasons I think we decided to be bff's. (And don't worry we still are. Soulmate Diva's). Our sophomore year of college we should have just been at modeling camp. For an entire 9 months, instead of trying to pursue school work, we worked on our best sides. Everynight we took photos. Everynight we would say to eachother "we look soo hot tonight it's just like not even funny." Were we serious? Yes. Do we still say that to eachother today. Yes. Nothing is wrong with self admiration. If everyone thought like this there wouldn't be so many issues with body image. We are not though, by any means conceded so I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Both of us are probably two of the nicest people you will ever meet. We just adored posing. We also frequently talk about the paparazzi like we run into them often. Let's just put it this way. We know how to rock the pose and dream of walking down the red carpet.

Now since I went to preforming arts middle and high school, I also thought knowing your best side and how to look best in a photo was normal knowledge. EVERYONE loved themselves and totally know their best sides and positions. So what I was wondering is......is this normal activity for everyone know since the world has turned into such a photographic place? Or does this start when you, maybe perhaps you're born with the gene, and stays with you the rest of your life?

Above is a photo of me at 3. I am posing in the mirror, checking myself out, while my dad took a photograph behind me. Seems cute huh? Ohh it is but if you look closely in my eyes you can totally see the demons of my soul, thinking and knowing "damn I look hot!" hahaha. BTW-please ignore my horrid turnout! Eww!

Peace & Paparazzi

S

-I would adore your feedback to know if this is a normal act or not. Thanks dolls!

Don't Stop.....BELIEVING!

Well it's time. I've held back as much as I possibly can but I am just Gleeking all over the place! If you haven't heard me go on and on yet or been annoyed by me singing mash up after mash up, or actually compared the characters to real life, or talked about my real life party time run in with my fav Chris Colfer.......well then where the hell have you been people. I'll admit it. I'm a tad bit OBSESSED with Glee. Now this addiction didn't start off with me actually wanting to watch the show. It started off with one of my friends making me watch the show and after that it was love at 1st scene.

SPOILER ALERT!!!(if you haven't watched or purchased the DVD's for Road to Sectionals, please do so and return back later.)

Just to make this a tiny bit easier, I will use character names only, minus guest appearances.

Synopsis is basic. It's about a Glee club and the bumps and turns on their road to the Sectional Competition. Two teachers are mainly focused on. The Glee coach-Will Scuster and the Cheerios coach-Sue Sylvester. FYI-Cheerios stands for Cheerleaders. Believe me you'll learn to love it. I make many references to peoples past who used to cheer as cheerios now. It's way cool if you think about it. Both are absolutely outstanding in their roles. I will also mention my favorite supporting grown up actress-Emma Pillsbury. She has extreme OCD and is secretly in love with Will.

Now to the Gleesters!!!! Let's begin with the phenomenal Rachel Berry. Girl can sing. Like she has given me goosebumps and tears before. She's anal, annoying, and WILL be a star one day. She wakes up to walking on sunshine every morning, does elliptical before school, all while staring at a photo of a Grammy award. You'll learn to love her.

Then there are Quinn Fabray and Finn Hudson. Quinn was head Cheerio until Sue found out she was preggers and kicked her ass off the squad. Finn is the HS quarterback but loves Glee club more than anything. He believed that he and Quinn got pregnant by making out in a hottub one night his sperm swam all the way into her vagina making Quinn basically a virgin mary. He's VERY dumb but so dumb its cute. And he is the lead singer in the Glee club along with Rachel......who is also in love with Finn. Which leads me to my next character, Kurt Hummel. Who is also in love with Finn. Finn's just that popular nice super cool high school dude that everyone loves. But his heart was with Quinn forever until he found out not only does sperm not swim in hot tub water and impregnate, he also found out that he's not even that baby's daddy! Puck is!!

Noah Puckerman aka Puck is Quinns super secret baby's daddy. Ok here's where I just want to add one thing. Dear Mark Sailling, I follow you on Twitter and you seem cool. I'm majorly attracted to you. I dig your mohawk and your sexy voice. I'm coming to LA in April and I tend to always get super lucky so I wouldn't be surprised if I was invited to visit the closed set. can't wait to meet you. xxx, S. OKAY.......and were back.

Let's move on to what makes this one of my favorite shows ever. If you know me or even if you don't, you can probably get the vibe that I dig singing and dancing as soon as I walk in the door. Musicals are the best things ever invented I believe and can truly brighten up anyones day. I promise! Now on an hour long episode of Glee, you are bound to run into 3-5 performances. From solo's to the whole glee club to the teachers. ITS FABULOUS! Yes, they may sing a few songs from Broadway hits(favorite being Rachel and Kurts duet to Defying Gravity from Wicked) but a lot of the music is more recent. More pop radio. It's actually brilliant what they've done. What they have done is what you call a "mash up." This is where you take two songs, mix them together, and there you have it people.....a mash up! Below are a list of my favorite Mash Ups and Songs preformed by the Glee Cast:

Halo/Walking on Sunshine
Don't Stop Believing
Imagine
Defying Gravity
Smile(Lily Allen cover)
Endless Love
Don't Rain on my Parade
My Life Would Suck Without You
It's my Life/Confessions Part II
You Keep Me Hangin' On
Talk A Bow
Keep Holding On
Thing Song/I Could Have Danced All Night
On My Own
**These are all available for purchase of iTunes or you can also listen to them on YouTube.

These are just to name a few. Basically if you love music you will LOVE this show. It's just one of those special things that only comes along every so often so I hope everyone is enjoying it. And basically, my friend Chris and I were speaking about this, this is THE dream job. Even though you go through many costume changes with all the Slushie Facials you receive hahaha. You'll learn the lingo.

Now everyone and their mother wants to guest star......why you ask. Because it's just that great! Last season we had a few guest start but the best being Kristen Chenoweth. She's amazing and soo sweet. You may know her by being the original Galinda from Wicked. Well to end the season we have several appearances I hear from the amazing Idina Menzel. Yoiu may know her from being the original Maureen(RENT) and the original Elphaba(Wicked). Now to who I wrote this blog......well besides to share my joy and make sure EVERYONE will be watching the Road to Reginals beginning in April, is to announce that someone who I just cannot stand for some reason. I don't think I'll ever know why. Has joined the Glee cast. Molly Shannon. I don't know what it is but I just can't stomach her. I don't find her funny and I just find her annoying. How is she supposed to fit in with this cast of genius'??? Can she even sing or dance!!! Hello, main requirement! UGH! My little T. Swizzle has admitted she is dying to get on the show too so lets hope that happens.

So I've only met one cast member so far and I had a complete blast with him and that Chris Colfer. Spent a night partying it up in NYC with him. Just adorable.....and such a diva! He even got to see my Slave 4 U.

I hope that was a good synopsis to catch you up for April or to convince you, if you have watched to go my Road to Sectionals. Be a gleek. I swear it's cool.

Peace, Love, & Music

S

BTW I make Glee CD's for my car, my house, and my mother. And yes....Glee and The Fame Monster are all I'm listening to currently. I suggest you do the same.

Imagine All the People, Living Life in Peace

Tomorrow may be the end for me. I have 2 cavities and am getting shot up with a lot of Novocaine and hopefully some anesthesia, laughing gas, or pain pills. I've never had a cavity before so of course this is going to be a very dramatic experience(it probably shouldn't be but if you know me it will be.) I called my mother today and asked her if you could drive on Novocaine. She proceeded to laugh and tell me to come back to reality. She often tells me that. I mean not that I live in my own little world or anything but I tend to see things in different lights than others. Yeah, that sounds right. If anyone could give me any warning on how this will go down, I will be highly appreciative.

Now onto the big news. "And Who Are You Again?" raised the fan base my almost 200 more fans this week. I couldn't be more thrilled. I am soo excited and I hope you guys enjoy the blog as much as I do. The best thing about "And Who Are You Again?" is that it is very non judgemental and had no absolute purpose. I write about everything under the sun and I like it that way. I have very deep postings that I cried while I wrote about the hard times I've been through, must have items of the month, music, theatre, dance, depression, anxiety, sex, and you name it I've probably written about it. I hold nothing in. Free as a bird. I appreciate you guys more than anything and am so grateful to have you all to read my thoughts. I always write back to anyone that writes me and I love it. So if you have any questions, just need to talk, or have a suggestion please feel free to contact me. My beliefs are to live life to its fullest, make as many mistakes as you can or you'll never learn, always go after what you want, it is better to have tried then to have sat on your ass and watched, go after your dreams NO MATTER WHAT. It takes a thousand no's to get a yes. NEVER give up! And most importantly be yourself. Everyone is so soo wonderful in their own way. Be different. Be who you are and hold nothing back. Everyone is BEAUTIFUL.

Peace & Love

S

Show Me Your Teeth

I feel like discussing fashion right now. You see I've been on a huge shopping spree(ok ok I lied it wasn't huge, I'm not rich, I just got my tax return and ya know it was time to spend since the Blizzard held me back last week). Let's just start with things I purchased. A strapless black crazy bird looking ripped up dress. It's fucking fabulous. I have been with Elizabeth and James from the beginning and I must say they are taking their pieces to a new level. When we 1st started getting E&J in winter '07 the line was basically an Olsen Twin. I was immediately in love. Gosh I can't remember my 1st piece from the line???? Humm I believe it was a white tee with a side pocket on the right. Ripped and used looking. Think Mary-Kate. But as I watch the line evolve I now see STAPLE pieces. FABULOUS staple pieces. Romantic blouses, tailored coats, and classic cocktail dresses with a twist. Over the past 4 years the line has, in fact, changed. Went from more of a rugged rock & roll look to a chic saavy rock & roll look. Anyways LOVE the line, always have and always will. Go on now and get your Elizabeth and James on!

And then I went on a search for a perfect pair of new jeans! I hate jeans actually and would rather wear a dress with ripped tights any day but you have to have jeans soooo....I tried a lot but finally settled on a great pair of J BRAND Denim Legging Low-Rise Skinny Leg jeans hahahaha. There is all the info on the fabulous piece of denim! Style # 901. Get them. You won't regret it. They make your ass look stunning and that's a promise(well you have to have a nice ass to begin with but you get the idea). I would have never thought to buy these great Denim Leggings if I hadn't purchased my 1st of Joe's Black Legging Pants, which I throw on literally everyday. So is you are behind on the new look(some bitch actually thanked me for being ahead on the trend. Duh!), I would suggest starting with the Joe's because they are a gift from God and then really just go and try on all the new delishious denim out there. These worked for me but maybe not for you.

And last I picked up a grungy looking tank dress by House of Gods. This line is dedicated to projecting rock and roll icons onto clothes. I love it! I love music, I dig the look of this line, and I just can't express how fond of it I am. So my dress has Iggy Pop on the front and his name on the back. It's done in a black, white, and grey. Although they are of course attached, the look of the dress is a black ripped up tank dress underneath and a smaller white distressed tank dress over top. Simply fab. I just tried it on with black fishnets and these amazing boots I purchased at PUMA. Just add some fun chain jewelry and a neon green Balenciaga and your good to go!

Be creative. Make your own style. Be yourself. And have fun with it. And if you have any questions I'm here for ya.

Peace & Love

S

P.S. I found the bag in the photo above on my favorite shopping site www.net-a-porter.com and its absolutely hilarious! Lets take it back to Season 2 I think of Sex and the City when Big gives Carry a bird clutch. Ohh sooo awful! But if you into that type of thing you an buy this baby for just $3,695. MUAH!